Bingo Bingo Bingo

By: Kirk Hiner

Genre: Board Games

Format: CD

Developer: Varcon Systems, Inc.

Mac Port by: MacSoft

Publisher: MacSoft

System Requirements: MacOS 7.6, 100MHz PowerPC, 16MB RAM, 15MB hard disk, 640x480 monitor at thousands of colors, CD-ROM, internet access and browser software (for internet play)

Network Feature: In a roundabout sort of way

3Dfx Support: No

Retail Price: $19.99

Availability: Out Now

In my review of Terminal Reality's Fly!, I mentioned that people should beware of games with a title that ends in an exclamation mark. Such punctuation is generally used in titles to generate false enthusiasm about an otherwise unremarkable subject. I now have more advice for my readers; beware of games that repeat words in the title.

Bingo Bingo Bingo is the latest in a growing line of board/family games from MacSoft (Scrabble and Monopoly are soon to follow). Games such as these have always been big sellers, and it's not too hard to figure out why. Not all computer owners are gamers, but most like the occasional diversion from balancing their checkbook or printing off ice cream social flyers or whatever non-gamers do when they're at their computer. These people pass through the isles of the computer store, and they see the nice, shiny box for Myth: The Total Codex. Doesn't mean a thing to them. But then they'll see Bingo Bingo Bingo. "Hey, Bingo!" they'll claim. "Hey look, it's Bingo! Remember Bingo? Let's get Bingo!" The same goes for Monopoly, Scrabble, or any of the dozens of solitaire games available. People buy what they're familiar with, assuming it'll be as much fun on the computer as it is in real life.

With Bingo Bingo Bingo, they'll be woefully wrong.

I actually play Bingo from time to time. My fiancee's parents belong to one of those local civic club organization things...kind of like the Elks or Lions except that women can join. On Saturday nights, many members will show up at the lodge to eat a lot of greasy food, smoke enough cigarettes to choke an elephant, and play bingo. I pay a dollar per card, then let fate decide if I'll be walking home $23 dollars or so richer that night. And hey, if I lose, at least the taquitos were tasty.

But you see, that's the whole thing about Bingo; the taquitos...I mean money. Playing Bingo without a cash payoff is like attending four years of high school without getting a diploma, and that's exactly what you're doing in Bingo Bingo Bingo. You can choose to play against up to 100 computer opponents, or you can play against no one. Either way, you're winning nothing but the satisfaction of a job well done, provided you win at all.

That's one of the main problems with Bingo Bingo Bingo. Even against five or fewer opponents, it's extremely difficult to win. Against the full 100, it's practically impossible. Okay, 1 in 100 odds are never good, but there's at least hope. Not here. If you're going to take on that many opponents in Bingo Bingo Bingo, you'd better be a secure individual with a strong sense of self-worth.

The other problems with Bingo Bingo Bingo stem from what it's lacking. You'd think the developers would've at one point realized that they were making a Bingo game, and that Bingo is actually quite boring. How to compensate? Add a bunch of features, flashy lights and sounds to the game. Nope. You don't get any of these. For features, you can play up to six cards and you can customize the color and shape of your dauber (the marker used to highlight numbers on your bingo card). You can also choose from around 100 different Bingo games, most of which are different patterns that must be filled on the card. But this is not nearly enough to raise Bingo Bingo Bingo from the doldrums.

It also doesn't help that the Bingo caller (who takes up around 75MB on your hard drive) has a hypnotic, sleep-inducing voice. After listening to him for ten minutes, I suddenly became afraid that I'd start to cluck like a chicken everytime someone snapped his fingers.

Bingo Bingo Bingo would've benefitted from more ambient sounds. While we can see the balls floating about in that ball-caller-thing that the lottery shows have, we don't hear them. Why not? It's such a cool noise, all those ping-pong balls banging against each other. Instead we just see them moving in slow motion which only adds to the hypnotic effect of the game. Or how about the sound of other players? Hints of conversation in the background, chairs moving about, people getting excited about getting closer to winning? Anything other than Mr. Mysterio calling out our fate.

I didn't find the graphics to be flashy enough, either. There's nothing to look at on the screen, nothing to stop you from drifting back to that Wizard of Id comic you read yesterday or to the latest game show on Fox that surely indicates the fall of modern civilization. But I guess that's a good thing. Without distraction, it's easier to focus on your cards.

Bingo Bingo Bingo claims to have multiplayer capabilities. This isn't exactly true. Launching the multiplayer game takes you to www.bingostop.com, a website completely separate of Bingo Bingo Bingo. So if you want online Bingo, you can just go straight to BingoStop.com and not bother buying Bingo Bingo Bingo. The one multiplayer feature that does make Bingo Bingo Bingo almost worth it is the ability to print off Bingo cards and let the computer call the game for offline playing. This is perfect for children's birthday parties and or for teachers seeking a fun way to pass a Friday afternoon before a holiday vacation.

For everyone else, Bingo Bingo Bingo is just a diversion game, the type of game I play on my PowerBook while waiting for my flight to be called. Trouble is, any of your standard versions of solitaire, pinball emulators or arcade games are much more fun and take up far less hard drive space on a full install. The one benefit to Bingo Bingo Bingo is that the CD doesn't need to be present to play, so you don't have to remember to pack it.

Reviewing Bingo Bingo Bingo has made me both sad and happy. Happy in that, after a seemingly endless list of 3-rated reviews, I'm finally able to give a game a different rating. Sad in that it had to be lower. It is inevitable that with the large number of Mac games being released these days there are bound to be some duds. Now we know what the PC gamers have been forced to deal with all these years (lucky stiffs). And after all, if you're reading this review, you're too serious a gamer to be part of the target audience for something like Bingo Bingo Bingo.

Despite my review, Bingo Bingo Bingo will look great on the shelf and will be a huge money-maker for MacSoft. And more power to it. They can use that cash to finance the great games that MacSoft is known for. I, on the other hand, will save my Bingo playing for the Bingo halls, which I never step into unless Rob Van Dam will be wrestling, so there goes that.

Anyone want one of my taquitos?

 

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February 08, 2012