Minimum System Requirements: 400MHz G3, Mac OS 8.6 or Mac OS X, ATI Rage 128 video card, 128MB RAM (192MB RAM with OS X), 100MB hard disk space, OpenGL and QuickTime
Network Feature: No
Mac OS X Compatible: Yes
Price: $19.99
Availability: Out now
Rating: Teen (blood and violence)
One of my favorite things to do in life is ask Bill Stiteler what he thinks of the new Star Wars movies. If I'm having a down day--if the lawn needs mown and I fell in mud and I had to listen to Al Stewart's "Time Passages" on the radio--I just give Bill a call and say, "So, tell me, Bill, have you seen Attack of the Clones yet?" I then put the phone on speaker, grab myself some honey roasted peanuts, and sit back as Bill spends the next half hour spouting insults and obscenities as if they were about to be taxed.
Now, should I one day grow bored with this, I've got my back-up in mind. I'm going to start calling Corey Tamás at MacGamer and ask if he's beaten his high score in Beach Head 2000.
Beach Head 2000 was a...game. When I reviewed it back in, well, 2000, I honestly couldn't figure out if I liked it or hated it (unlike Corey, who was pretty sure of his opinion). In that vein, I guess it was kind of like eating at Taco Bell. Someday's it really hits the spot. Other days...
Now I've got Beach Head 2002, which I guess means the anonymous army never was able to take the beach from screaming maniac on the cover of the box. Or, maybe they did. I haven't played every possible level of Beach Head 2002, but thus, far I haven't even been on a beach. I can see a beach in the distance, but I'm certainly not close enough to it to don my trunks and lay out with a nice Danielle Steele romance.
I suppose I should explain what this game is about. You're this guy...or I suppose you could be a girl, but the box cover illustrates a guy. A freaky guy, in fact, who seems to enjoy firing his Vulcan Gun waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy to much. He appears to be the kind of soldier who would frighten even General Patton. My personal hell would be having this guy show me how to dismantle and put together an automatic weapon for the rest of eternity.
Anyway, you're a freak high on a hill with a big gun and lot of anonymous soldiers coming at you. I'm not sure why they're coming at you...it's just you on a hill. The anonymous soldiers attack from all sides, so it's not like you're defending anything. I suppose you could be the one with the last Butterfinger. More likely, though, this entire anonymous army just thinks you're creepy and would rather you were dead.
So, defend your Butterfinger or freakiness you must. Wave after wave of soldiers, helicopters, tanks, and airplanes come at you from all sides and from above. You must kill them all before progressing to the next level.
And the next.
And the next.
And the next.
And the...oh, hey! It's nighttime!
And the next.
And the next.
And what's the point? Why was this game made? There's little here to separate it from the original Beach Head 2000. The weapons are about the same (of course, in my unpopular view, pretty much all weapons in all games are about the same; they all fire projectiles and they all kill people), the anonymous enemies are about the same, the graphics are about the same, and the sounds are about the same.
And hey, let's talk about sound for a moment. Now, thank the good Lord, I never had to go to war. I've never been on a battlefield, so I can't say this with 100% certainty. However, I'm willing to wager that in real battles, the screams of dying anonymous soldiers are not louder than tank and helicopter explosions. They are in Beach Head 2002. They're also at the same audio level no matter how far they are from your bunker. How's that for an odd trick of physics?
Want to hear another one? How about heat seeking missiles that stand a better chance of hitting jets flying towards them than away from them? Again, I'm no expert, but in every other like game I've played, the missiles tend to be more accurate when heading up the exhaust of anonymous enemy aircraft. If I've been steered wrong all this years, please, let me know.
So, what is new? Well, some of the levels take place at night. To see the enemy, you have to launch flares that light up the battlefield as they slowly descend. It's actually kind of cool looking, or what would've been cool in 1996. The lighting effects are quite blotchy, greatly diminishing any element of "coolness."
Oh, and you can also call in friendly planes to bomb the enemy when there are too many for you to handle. I think that's new, anyway. Is that new? I can't remember. Only certain levels provide you with this air support, and it's never safe to rely on them. They're about as accurate as a drunken fraternity brother at a homecoming charity pie toss.
I think, maybe, the freak on the cover of the box may be a drunken fraternity brother. Maybe he's hoarding the Sam Adams and the other anonymous brothers want it back.
Let's see...what else is wrong with this game? Oh, the site sometimes gets locked too high, or at least it did for me. At times I wouldn't be able to move the site low enough to actually target any of the anonymous enemy. I could only fire helplessly over their heads, hoping that maybe the sound of gun and my freaky, maniacal laughter who frighten them away. No such luck. They kept coming.
There are one or two good things about this game, though. First, it's easy to learn. Second, the basic arcade action is kind of fun in short doses. Third, you can save your game at any level so you don't need to go back to the beginning each time you load it up. Fourth, if you blow up a troop transport just as the anonymous enemy is exiting it, they all catch fire and dance a little jig before they idea. I think that's a good idea for war...minus the burning death, I mean. Rather than dying after getting shot, the enemy soldiers should all have to dance a jig.
And that's Beach Head 2002. I'm done with it. Truth be known, it wasn't even next in queue for a review. Stronghold was supposed to be next, but I'm enjoying that game...I just wanted to get Beach Head 2002 overwith. I'm not even going to load it up again to get more screen captures. Everything looks pretty much the same anyway.
Now, just in case a Beach Head 2004 is planned, here are some suggestions. First, give us some kind of radar or something. Without the benefit of 3D sound, it's impossible to tell from where the enemy fire is coming. Second, try for some degree of realism. Improve the graphics and apply at least a few laws of physics. Third, lose that anonymous enemy disclaimer at the beginning of the game. We know it's not a real army. We know it's not slighting any particular race or country. We know it's just a game...it's just not a very good one.
Beach Head 2002
Now I've got Beach Head 2002, which I guess means the anonymous army never was able to take the beach from screaming maniac on the cover of the box. Or, maybe they did. I haven't played every possible level of Beach Head 2002, but thus, far I haven't even been on a beach. I can see a beach in the distance, but I'm certainly not close enough to it to don my trunks and lay out with a nice Danielle Steele romance. 
And what's the point? Why was this game made? There's little here to separate it from the original Beach Head 2000. The weapons are about the same (of course, in my unpopular view, pretty much all weapons in all games are about the same; they all fire projectiles and they all kill people), the anonymous enemies are about the same, the graphics are about the same, and the sounds are about the same.
Let's see...what else is wrong with this game? Oh, the site sometimes gets locked too high, or at least it did for me. At times I wouldn't be able to move the site low enough to actually target any of the anonymous enemy. I could only fire helplessly over their heads, hoping that maybe the sound of gun and my freaky, maniacal laughter who frighten them away. No such luck. They kept coming.