[MacSpirit] Preaching to the choir -- a sermon

by Rodney O. Lain

3/21/00

Steve Jobs may not be able to walk on water, but he can do the next best thing: save the Macintosh, a popular religious icon -- and an icon of American popular culture

 

Apple is the only life-style brand in the computer industry. It's the only company people feel passionate about. My company, Oracle, is huge; IBM is huge; Microsoft is huge; but no one has incredible emotions with our companies.

Larry Ellison, Oracle CEO and a good friend Apple CEO/co-founder Steve Jobs

 

To create a new standard, it takes something that's not just a little bit different; it takes something
that's really new, and really captures peoples' imagination. And the Macintosh, of all the machines I've ever seen, is the only one that meets that standard.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates

 

"The next generation of interesting software will be done on the Macintosh, not the IBM PC."

Bill Gates, Business Week, Nov. 26, 1984

It's Sunday morning, and the Rev. Rodney O. Lain is addressing the First Church of Macintosh...

"Brothers and sisters... good morning."

"Good morning," responds the congregation, in unison.

"Open up your copy of the Good Book, please."

The audience is then filled with hums, clicks and beeps as hundreds of PowerBooks, iBooks and Newtons whir to life, each running some version of the Macintosh Bible -- the one penned by Apostle Bob Levitus. A religious air is cast over the gathering by the music that pulses through the sound system -- it's a Grateful Dead tune.

"This morning, I want to 'take my text' from the Book of Job. Excuse me. I meant to say the Book of Jobs. I take my text... and I plan to take my time...

"All things have a beginning, so I may as well start there. For discussion purposes, the beginning was August 1997. The end of all things was at hand; the Macintosh appeared to be a religious movement on the verge of extinction. Demons were at heaven's gates. We were all witnesses to that Apocalypse, the final act on the playwrit history of the Mac OS. We were all witnesses that Wednesday morning. You know what I'm talking about: we were witnesses to our Lord and Savior's decision to accept the proverbial Devil's bargain. That's right, folks: Steve Jobs, I say, Steve Jobs made a deal with old Beelzebub himself -- Bill Gates.

"There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth that day," the Reverend continues, "as our holy sanctuary -- Macworld Boston -- was defiled by the Evil One's presence. All for a mere $150 million -- the 20th-century equivalent to 30 pieces of silver. There was a rumor within the Church that the Devil's investment occurred as soon as His iNess agreed to 86'd 'God's PDA' -- the Newton. We know that the Devil's stakes are high and that he makes no deal that doesn't further his schemes. We don't know if this rumor is true. Only time will tell... when all things will be revealed. The Lord's ways are clear over time, only in retrospect

"Can I get an "amen"?

"A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-men!" screams a little old lady on the front row. Several supportive grunts and mumblings rise from throughout the audience. At the mention of Bill Gates' name, Bro. Larry Ellison begins shouting and speaking in tongues, something about "the abomination of desolation." It takes a whole crew of ushers to calm him down.

After calm is restored, Rev. Lain continues

"Oh, but we of little faith! We were told it over and over, but in the end we still forgot the most important tenet of our Faith: Jobs works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform. And work, he did!"

"Amen!" shouts someone. "Preach it, brother!"

"I will, if you let me," the good Reverend replies, chuckling to himself. "In a time span that was a little more than two years, He saved the Church from oblivion. Little did we know, the deal with the devil turned out to be a brilliant stratagem. Time was bought in order to restore the fruits of the Gospel. Weapons were forged to battle the forces of darkness: Satan dwells in the darkness of beige, brothers and sisters. God, however, loves the cheerful colors of the rainbow: tangerine, blueberry, lime, grape and strawberry."

"Hallelujah! Praise his name!" two old ladies scream. Somewhere nearby, joyous weeping overcomes a couple of holy rollers.

"The human heart responds to the voice of our God who speaks through the OS," the good reverend continues, slightly nonplussed. "Over two million turned their hearts to our teachings. They have responded to what has been called the greatest miracle since that fish and loaves thing over in Jerusalem: iMac. Verily, verily, this is cause for much rejoicing. But the work isn't over yet. There is a whole world of unsaved souls. We are pledged to send evangelists to the darkest corners of Corporate America. Don't be scared. They're savages, those MIS people, but they're God's creatures, too.

"We need more preachers, more teachers, more evangelists, more EvangeLists. The world is in shambles, not unlike the proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water: it is used to the horrors of the modern PC. They don't know that thereis a better Way.

"We should all be eager to put a Mac in every house. A Good Book -- a PowerBook -- in every hotel room. A G4 should be in every American military installation worldwide -- and Pentium III for each of our enemies.

"It can be done, but we haven't much time. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are saddling up for another ride. Already, the first Horseman, Windows 2000, has lulled many into a sense of false security, misleading them to think that all is well. But we know better. We know that X marks the spot in all things OS. Once that spot is reached, an era of heretofore unheard of peace will be ushered in, a world of smart devices, intuitive Operating Systems, PC support staff who are the poster children for the new Millenium's Maytag Repairman. We know it is coming. Our Lord doesn't lie. From him all good things flow.

"Just be faithful, and you, too, will live to see the beginning of the Millennium. It is coming soon, my dear brethren. It is coming soon. It is coming this summer. X marks the spot. X marks the spot.

"Let us pray."

This column is © 2000 Rodney O. Lain. All rights reserved.

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About Rodney O. Lain

A former journalist and college prof, Rodney lives in Minnesota, where he freelance writes part-time and works for a Minneapolis-based software company. He has a soft spot for H. L. Mencken, Steve Jobs, Prince, Richard Wright and other well-known status-quo breakers.

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March 17, 2010