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There are two things I can't stand about Christmas. The first is rock and roll Christmas music. Recent studies have shown that every rock and roll Christmas song ever written is horrible. Absolute rubbish. The worst of them all is Hall and Oates' rendition of "Jingle Bell Rock," which has now been banned throughout Europe and most of Asia. However, songs by Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, and, yes, even the Beach Boys are all very bad. Even the Chrstimas songs by Shonen Knife, a band for whom I would give up my life, if asked, aren't that great. Rock 'n' Roll and Christmas simply don't mix.

Oh, except for that "Christmas Wrapping" song by The Waitresses. That song kicks holiday ass!

The other thing I can't stand about Christmas is when retailers advertise themselves as having "the perfect gift." Is there such a thing? I doubt it. And if there were, it wouldn't be a gift card to a gas station as Sheetz wants me to believe.

"Honey, I love you so much. This has been the happiest year of my life. To prove it, here's a $20 gift card to Sheetz. Fill up your car and pick up a doughnut and some kippered beef jerky. Merry Christmas."

You know, though, sometimes at Sheetz they play that "2,000 Miles" song by The Pretenders. That's pretty nice, really, for a rock Christmas song. I'll let that one by, too.

I've been giving and receiving gifts for over 30 years now, and I can honestly say I've never been party to the exchange of the perfect one. There have been some really good ones, mind you. Bill Stiteler one year gave me a "shoehorn with teeth." He took a plastic shoehorn and actually sawed teeth into the thing just for the joke. Wonderful. When I was a kid, my parents bought this huge plastic aircraft carrier that launched foam airplanes into the air. Pretty close to perfect. One time, in a gift exchange with friends, I stopped at McDonald's on the way to the party, bought a Big Mac, wrapped it right there on the counter, and entered it into the exchange. Perhaps not perfect, but I had a good time that night saying, "Can we hurry up and exchange gifts? Mine's getting cold." Perfect for me, anyway.

So, as every store in every mall across the country has lain claim to the perfect gift, I thought I'd see if such a thing exists in the Mac community. Can it be done? Is there a perfect gift for the Mac user? Let's see.

Oh, wait. Did you ever hear the Whirling Dervishes' cover of "You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch?" It was pretty cool, although I'm not sure we can really consider that to be a Christmas song. I haven't heard it sung by third graders at the annual Christmas pageant.

Anyway, back to shopping. First stop, Apple themselves. They amuse me, as they seem to think that every Mac user has Steve Jobs' net worth. An iBook for Christmas? I don't spend that kind of money on the entire season, including gifts, decorations and heating bills. To be fair, though, they're no longer calling the iPod a "stocking stuffer" (stocking stuffers shouldn't cost more than the fireplace on which they're hung). Instead, they've got categories broken down by price (under $30 being the lowest), and their super expensive category isn't called "perfect," but "ultimate." A PowerMac G5 for Christmas? Yeah, short of my own hockey team, I'd say that's the ultimate gift.

But we're looking for perfect, not ultimate, so we'll move on. How about Amazon? They've got everything a Mac user would want, right? Let's see what they're advertising right now. Okay, jewelry and watches. Well, maybe in the translucent iMac days, jewelry would've been more appreciated by Mac users. These days, probably not. Although my wedding ring is made of titanium, and that's kind of Mac-like, right? Maybe that's a good gift for those who can't afford a TiBook...a titanium ring. Keep that in mind.

Amazon is also pushing right now...Michael McDonald? Oh, no wait. Michael McDonald is telling an uplifting story at Amazon's website. Hey, maybe I should do that. If Michael McDonald can tell an uplifting story and thereby sell more copies of his CDs, I can tell an uplifting story and sell more copies of my novel, Mowin' the Heavenly Lawn. Of course, seeing that my novel has nothing to do with the Mac, and that it's not remotely uplifting, my readers may not be too pleased with that. So, I'll leave Michael and Amazon to their thing, and I'll stick with mine. Suffice it to say that Amazon products can't really be the perfect gift, because...well, it's Amazon. It's where people go when they can't think of buying anything else...or when they need the type of inspiration that a former Doobie can give.

Does Michael McDonald have any Christmas songs? Probably, but I'm not a fan. I'm also not a fan of the Cocteau Twins, but their version of "Frosty the Snowman" was the first to really make that a good song. That's tricky, too. Original rock Christmas songs are bad enough, but rock versions of classic Christmas standards make me want a gun for Christmas. Good thing Wall of Voodoo covered that with their holiday warning, "Shouldn't Have Given Him A Gun for Christmas." That one's enjoyable, but I don't consider it a Christmas song. It's more about mass murder that just happened to coincide with Christmas. Kind of like with that "Grandma Got Trampled to A Bloody, Twisted Death By A Reindeer" song that's so popular with the kids these days.

But what were we talking about? Oh yeah, the perfect gift. Hey! How about this?! Because I'm not above shameless promotion during the shopping season, there's always the Think Different Store. They don't sell iPods or iMacs, but they do sell plenty of iPod and Mac accessories and such...many of which are small enough and cheap enough to actually be stocking stuffers. Stocking stuffers are rarely perfect, though. Come to think of it, nothing labelled "stuffer" is ever going to be perfect. Stuffers are just there to fill a hole or make something else look more complete. I mean, my mom always filled our stockings with nuts, fruit, candy bars and a Christmas ornament. When we were young, I remember getting little super hero dolls, too. Superman, Batman, Robin (I wonder why my mom was so partial to DC comics). Now, however, it's those airplane series Christmas ornaments, and that's just fine by me.

You know, maybe that's the answer to all of this. All of these stores who claim to have the perfect gift? Ignore them. See, there is no such thing as the perfect gift ("perfect," in the marketing world, means "thoughtless"), and you'll drive yourself insane trying to find it. Know what to buy the Mac user for Christmas? Something for his or her Mac. It's that simple. We're a passionate lot, remember. We like our machines, and we like adding things to them. When people recognize that, it makes us happy. There are thousands of items out there in any price range that'll work: games, input devices, USB or FireWire accessories, more games. It couldn't be easier. Not sure what your Mac users need? Ask them. If they're anything like me, there'll be a list ready to go.

So, I guess my whole point to all of this to just not worry about it. Despite what the ad and marketing execs want you to think, there's no need to be perfect, here. Especially at this time of year. Just be thoughtful. That's all it takes. Well, having an Apple store nearby doesn't hurt, either. You're bound to find something of use there, and—as far as I know—they don't have any CDs of that horrible, horrible rock 'n' roll Christmas music, which you should avoid as if they were those mutant, rabid reindeer who killed grandma.

Unless the CDs have The Kinks' "Father Christmas," Queen's "Thank God It's Christmas" or Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas" on them. Then they're worth the risk.