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I wish Bill Gates would quit pulling stunts like this, because I'd really like to start writing about something other than him and Microsoft. To that end, I'll lead in this article with some comments on a hot political topic right now. Maybe upset a couple people, get some hate mail, forever turn away another 50,000 Applelinks readers. But read on, friends, because, it comes with a Macintosh related point, and it's all done tongue-in-cheek, anyway. The topic? Well, I'm not opposed to removing "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance, provided...

...provided we replace it with something else. See, I think most people are going to be bothered by the sudden absence of those words, by the meter of it. The altered rhythm. They'll trip and stutter over what once was there like singing along with a record that skips, and we can't have that. So, my friends and I have been coming up with alternatives that can replace "under God." Understand that, although many of my good friends aren't Christians, I am, but I couldn't care less if "under God" is in the Pledge of Allegiance because I don't derive my faith from a pledge to a flag that's not even cool enough to have dragons on it. Seriously, when did people decide it would be cool to remove dragons and lions from flags? Too hard to stitch, I guess.

Anyway, the suggested alternatives. Being a literal kind of guy, my friend Jim suggested "under Canada." This would be doubly beneficial in that 1.) it's geographically correct, and 2.) it would give the Canadians some props, which I say they deserve. Applelinks' own Bill Stiteler suggested "under Water," which is confusing, but sounds like it could've been pulled from a Talking Heads song or something, and that's pretty cool. He only suggested it because I told him someone had already suggested "Underdog." My suggestion was "Underwear," because the Pledge is mainly recited by school children, and school children find underwear to be quite comical. Why not give them a good snicker to start their day?

Now, I'm not going to take this suggestion any further for two reasons: First, I don't want people to burn my house down. Second, I know what the pledge would say if it were changed. It would say, "One nation under Microsoft."

That's where Bill Gates is pushing us, isn't he? Yes, we all know about Microsoft's business practices that are deemed monopolistic in pretty much every country in the world except for in the United States. It's just what they do. Mac users have come to expect it, and Windows users have come to support it. Even Microsoft is admitting it now, accepting their guilt but still attempting to control their punishment. Check out this article at MacCentral, in which Tom Brookes, Microsoft's spokesman in Brussels, claims the fine (497 million euros or US$610 million) is too big. "In view of the absence of a clear legal standard under EU law, a fine of this size isn't warranted," said Brookes. Boy, would that we all had that power, huh?

"I'm sorry, officer. I know I was driving 75 in a school zone, but your fine of $175 is just a little too large, I'm afraid. I'm going to pay $6, and there will be no points on my license. Also, I don't think my insurance company needs to know about this. Thank you, and good day."

Still, that's not even the latest Microsoft event to draw my ire. No, have you heard that Bill Gates now wants us all to pay to send e-mail? There are so many things wrong with this that I can't possibly cover them all here. I mean, first of all, it was never free for me to begin with. I've had to buy computers, software and modems and pay ISPs for the ability to use their service. I'm already paying to send e-mails. The reason I put a stamp on a letter is because I'm not otherwise already paying the Post Office for their services. Okay, okay, taxes, but let me get to my real point.

My first thought on this was, "Sure, one of the richest men in the world suggesting we pay for a service only he and his best friends can easily afford and that would simultaneously save his company millions of dollars." Here's my similar suggestion...everyone else mow my lawn. It takes up too much of my day, I'm losing money on the gas, and my neighbors are annoyed by the inconvenience of having to look at the unkempt grass.

But now I'm not even sure if I'm reading this right. That article at CNN seems to me saying Bill's not suggesting we actually buy "stamps" for each e-mail we send at a penny a message, or whatever (that suggestions is coming from Goodmail Systems, Inc., an ironic name if ever there was one), but that he's saying we devote 10 seconds of computer time to solving a math puzzle that would serve as proof of our good faith as e-mail senders.

Uh...pardonnez mon abréviation, but WTF? What kind of uber-geek thinking is this? In what world will such ridiculous ideas work? Who's paying to implement this technology? Who's solving this math puzzle? Me? My computer? My e-mail program? Who's writing them? Microsoft? The U.S. government? Mensa? Those people who write the Mad Libs? Has Bill not yet noticed that the resourcefulness and cleverness of spammers has continually and easily surpassed his own company's attempts to block them? What makes him think they won't get past his little brain teasers as well?

Believe me, I get my fair share of spam every day. We wrestle it with constantly at Applelinks. We've had to and continue to make major changes in our entire system in an ongoing attempt to provide our readers and users as good a service as possible. We know the damage spam can do, but I don't think I speak just for myself when I say that paying (again) for e-mail is an absolutely ludicrous suggestion. All it'll do is turn e-mail into yet another commodity available only to corporations and to the rich, while the rest of us are left with our smoke signals and our tin-cans connected by a string. The spammers must be loving this suggestion...the only people who will get their ads for Viagra will be those with enough money to afford their Viagra.

And hey, how ironic that Gates' suggestion should come even as Apple is giving us what amounts to toll-free video calling with iSight and iChat.

As I've said here in other articles, I don't even mind spam so much. It's not difficult to set-up filters, and I'd much rather move an e-mail into a trash box than to dump a load of environmentally wasteful snail mail flyers and brochures into the waste basket or answer a call from yet another telemarketer. And honestly, I find some e-mails amusing. Get a load of this one I received recently, which first seemed to be an add for a Hispanic dating service, but which I've since determined is actually a new poem from the living spirit of Jim Morrison.

Night robot

the as lakes saint mercy count ducks fader screw cairn atlas cared joins

blush and cells uncle

woods liver cough basis

man abate wings a thief viral

fader a

small judge polka plump

as apace a popup

fairy vbweb

width chair apple risks

shall and truth tried

you know what to do.

Yeah! Search on, man!

So Bill, Goodmail Systems, Inc, and all your fairy friends, stay in your own magical pixie world, if you please. I understand that you may be too lazy to fight spam on your own, but most of us are not. We can handle it, thank you, either through our e-mail program, our ISPs or through our government. Maybe these guys can do something about it for us. We don't need your heavy-handed tactics. I mean, if one man can challenge the pledge of allegiance of an entire nation, then surely a nation can challenge a legion of spammers, right?

Right?