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Review by Andy Coyne

Genre: Sports Sim

Format: CD

Developer: Anco Software

Mac Port: Virtual Programming Ltd.

Publisher: MacPlay

Minimum System Requirements: 33MHz G3, Mac OS 9.0 or Mac OS X v10.1, 64MB RAM, OpenGL 3D hardware acceleration. Mac OS 9 requires DrawSprocket 1.7.6, InputSprocket 1.7.3 and QuickTime 4.0

Review Computer: 1GHz G4 iMac, 768MB RAM, Mac OS X v10.3.2

Network Feature: Internet, e-mail and hot seat play

Price: $29.99

ESRB Rating: N/A

Availability: Now

Player Manager 2003 is a soccer sim. You play the role of the manager of the team of your choice, and you lead them to potential victory or probable failure. You have complete(ish) control of all(ish) aspects of your team, both managerial and coaching. You can interact with other managers of different teams, planning trades and "friendlies" with them.

I hate this game. Hate it with every inch of my body with a hatred that surpasses my hatred for polka music, asparagus, and Jar-Jar-Binks. Well, maybe not Jar-Jar. He's beyond terrible. Anyway, I'm told there is a large group of people in Europe who obsess over this type of game, creating an audience for it. Those people will probably love this game. The rest of us sane people will place the box back on the shelf and grab a copy of FIFA 2004.

My first complaint is a really big one. No printed instruction manual. This is the most complicated computer game I have ever played, and they don't give you a printed guide to work with. Instead, they give you a 34-page (I repeat, 34 page) PDF document on the CD. Since you cannot play the game in a windowed mode allowing you to read the manual while you are playing it, you must print out the 34—again—34-page manual. What's even worse is that the amount printed on each page only covers half of the page, so you could fit two manual pages onto one printed page. And because of the complexity of the game, you will need to print out the manual and check it frequently.

Another problem with the manual is the manual itself. It tells you about all the wonderful things that you can do...but doesn't adequately explain how to do them. In addition, it is not well organized, so it takes way too long to find information on how to do something. A few times, I was completely unable to find the information I wanted. For a game this intricate, the manual has to be accurate, logically organized and efficient, and the manual simply wasn't good enough.

I imagine that if the manual had been better, I would have enjoyed the game more, but not to the point of actually liking it because there were some serious flaws with the game itself. First of all, the load times for this game are obscenely long. You start up the game, select "New Game," and select your league. Then, you wait. And wait. And wait. I suggest reading War and Peace, or some equally long book, because you are going to be waiting a long time. My computer, a 1GHz iMac, took over six minutes to load just to the next screen, where you select the team in your select league that you want to manage. Then you wait a little longer, and finally you get to start playing. So you go around managing for a while, trying desperately to understand how to play the freaking game, when you come up to a game day. Happy, you select "Play Match" only to discover, you guessed it, more waiting. On my computer, the wait was between ten seconds and three minutes.

In making this game, the developers obviously spent a huge amount of time trying to make everything as lifelike as possible. For example, in the descriptions of this game, it is said that "Player Manager is probably the only management game in which the match day actually matters." It doesn't say how or why it matters, but apparently it somehow does, adding to the realism. In addition, the players have opinions and personalities that you have to take into consideration. For example, according to the "manual," players playing out of the position they prefer will play poorly, although you can have players do certain training so that they will be more accustomed to playing in a new position. Also, the players have egos and personalities, so sometimes you have to kiss their ass to get them to do what you want, because if they are upset they won't play as well. The "manual" says you can have individual talks with your players and have the options of making an inspirational speech or a threatening one.

This may sound really cool, but it's a major pain in the game. Let's just say you're watching your game, and a player named Jason Thompson is on your team. If he is doing severely stupid things on the field, it could be for one or more of four reasons. One: he simply sucks. Solution, take him out or train him hard. Two: He isn't playing in the position for which he is best suited. You can move him around the field until he finds a place he is comfortable in, or train him to be better in his new place on the field. That can take a while. Three: he's got a bad attitude. This might be about the amount of play time he gets, his position on the field, his salary, his contract... Solution: your guess is as good as mine. You can talk to him, or do some other stuff that I don't know how to do that might help, but your best choice, in my opinion, is to replace him. The last possibility as to why someone might be playing like crap is that the AI for the game, like in all games, is flawed. Because of this, you might spend your entire season trying to figure out what is wrong with Jason, only to find out there is nothing wrong at all; the game is just being stupid. So, if you don't think the team is playing as well as it should, and you can't figure out why, do what I did. Trade away the whole team. If you can figure out how...

Another major problem with Player Manager 2003 is that after about five minutes, it's no longer a game. It becomes a chore. There is so much work that you have to do as manager of your team that it becomes more tedious than washing dishes after Thanksgiving dinner. You have to talk to other coaches, plan practices, plan what goes on at practice, arrange friendlies, trade and receive players, create contracts, renew contracts, create lineups, plan team dynamics, create subteams, plan how to spend the team's money, associate with your players, etc. Its ridiculous. I prefer games that are fun and fairly simple, not ones that require a PHD in managerial skills.

However, Player Manager 2003 isn't all bad. There was one shining moment—the soccer matches. The graphics are fairly decent, and although you have no control over the players while on the field, you have 360° control over your view of the field, and some control over zooming in and out. In addition, the players on the field interact very well. They can do bicycle kicks, volleys, headers, slide tackles and wall passes, can fake opposing players out, and even have post-goal celebrations. When goals are scored, you can watch the replay as much as you want, slowing it down or speeding it up when desired. You can make substitutions and plan team dynamics during the game and the halftime. However, despite the game's claims, nothing that you do to change the team dynamics and lineup really seems to do much to change the game. Everyone continues to play almost exactly the same, so winning games becomes mostly luck. And, despite your best efforts, players on the field will consistently make blatantly stupid errors like dribbling out of bounds when there is no pressure on them. Stupid things that I wouldn't expect six-year-old AYSO players to do. In addition, like in professional soccer matches, the matches in Player Manager 2003 have a few high moments per game with a lot of boring nothingness in between. So, you are going to be bored unless you enjoy watching soccer games in general.

Despite the high quality of the matches in Player Manager 2003, the game isn't worth buying. The only people I can imagine who might understand it enough to play it are actual team managers of professional leagues, and considering the amount of time it takes to play this game, they wouldn't have time to play it.