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One of the great things about attending college in western Ohio is that you occasionally got to see billboards with phrases such as "Halloween is Satan's feast day. Why celebrate it?" When I happened across this back when I was a wee college student, my first thought was, "Well, even Satan should get a nice dinner every now and again," but that quickly turned to thoughts of who might be willing to put forth the money to get such a message across. A radical church? A particularly concerned individual? Another guy like me who's sick of being guilted into buying greetings cards three times a month? If you ask me, I'd say that Sweetest Day is Satan's Feast Day.

But, whoever, the message was there. It was all part of some movement in the late 80s and early 90s in the area surrounding my college to get rid of Halloween...because, you know, if you're going to dress a kid up like Wonder Woman or Casper the Friendly Ghost, you may as well also give said kid a hand basket and a rope for her direct descent into hell.

Somewhere in all of this, either in a flyer or in a response to one of my newspaper articles covering this story, I read the following argument: Hallow means "holy." Ween means "evening." Therefore, Halloween means "Satan's holy evening."

Uh...wait a minute. Obviously, there's a logic problem there, but rather than point it out, I decided to apply the logic to other aspects of my life. I wasn't doing well in biology at the time, so I went to the school trustees to present this complaint: Bio means "life." Logy means "the study of." Therefore, biology is "the study of Satan's life."

Sadly, my argument didn't work. It did, however, in my novel Mowin' the Heavenly Lawn, featuring this and many other wonderful jokes guaranteed to fill your evenings with mirth and merriment! Available now wherever that particular book is sold.

Okay, my apologies for that.

Anyway, this was all over ten years ago. I'm not sure if kids are allowed to trick-or-treat in my college town anymore, or even if there are kids in my college town anymore. I mean, why ban Halloween when you can just ban the children, right? Save the adults from all kinds of problems. But now, here we are in 2004, and I'm seeing this logic thrown into my face once more...by Microsoft, of all places.

You all remember a few weeks back when Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer stated that, "The most common format of music on an iPod is stolen." Why did he come to this conclusion? Because Halloween is Satan's holy evening, of course.

iPod's play MP3s. MP3s are music files. Therefore, iPods play stolen music.

It's all very cut and dry. I'm not sure why no one reached this conclusion before.

To his credit, Mr. Ballmer did stop shy of calling all iPod owners Satanists, although I'll wager that easily 80 to 90% of us are. Have you seen the music Apple promotes at the iTunes music store? As I write this, a band called The Killers is being promoted. Obviously Satanists. And what's this Jimmy Eat World? More like Satan Eat Souls. That Bjork woman may not be a Satanist, but she does dress like one, and don't even get me started on the evil inherent in the Aladdin soundtrack. When Alan Menken dies and goes to hell, Satan will appoint him composer laureate.

Or, maybe we're not Satanists. Maybe the iPods themselves are evil. I won't explore that thought, but you'll certainly want to check out Bill Stiteler's views on the subject. After Microsoft back peddled on Ballmer's comments, suggesting instead that iPod owners are "...likely among the most law-abiding consumers of digital music," Bill developed his own theory on what's really going on here. And it's a theory that chills me to this day.

I'm not fooled by Microsoft, though. We're "...likely among the most law-abiding consumers..."? What kind of statement is that? "Likely," as in probably? Maybe? Could be, but we doubt it? "Among," as in in the presence of? Hanging out with? Halloween is Satan's holy evening, they say! iPod owners may likely be seen among law-abiding consumers of digital music, but don't you think for a moment that they, themselves, are law-abiding.

Comments such as this have offended many iPod owners. In at least one case, this lead to the threat of legal action, which is equally as stupid as the comment itself. Why the uproar over a few idiotic words? I'll tell you why. Because Steve Ballmer is right! We are all thieves, each and every one of us. Every single song on every single iPod is, in fact, stolen. Carrying a concealed iPod should be a criminal offense. Sales should be regulated like the sales of firearms. I mean...well, let's make it so anyone can purchase an iPod, but you have to wait five days to be able to put any songs on it, and only after a background check. Unless, of course, you purchase your iPod at an outdoorsman or antique dealer's show, in which case it's all good.

I would apologize to Steve Ballmer, the RIAA and every artist on my iPod, but that would take too long. I mean, how do I explain to Queen that I've pirated every song they've every recorded, b-sides and all. Would they even hear me, or are they still too tied-up in that damn musical to care what their fans are saying? And how can I apologize to Puffy Amiyumi, Shonen Knife or Love Psychedelico when I don't even speak Japanese? How can I face the RIAA when I'm apparently responsible for destroying their industry, sending countless thousands of pigopolists to the slaughter house? How can I apologize to Steve Ballmer? I'm a thief, after all, no better than Jean Valjean confronting Javert after stealing a loaf of bread or all those candles in Les Misérables, which is no doubt another stolen bullet in many loaded iPod guns.

No, apologizing is not enough. Confronting our criminal selves will not suffice. And so, before we're all thrown in maximum security prisons, before Alcatraz and Australia are reopened to accommodate us criminals, I propose we get rid of this problem right now. Each community should hold an iPod burning festival. Such an event would serve multiple purposes. First, it would rid us of the evil iPod that is our damnation. Second, while we're at it, we could burn a bunch of the Satanic albums, books and magazines that are corrupting us all into the type of people who would fill our lives with dirty pirated music to begin with. Third, the fire would cleanse our very souls. And finally, it would provide a nice community event to replace trick-or-treat for the youngins.

Will it be enough for us to be forgiven? That's hard to say, seeing that none of us really need to be forgiven in the first place. How does one seek forgiveness for something he didn't do? Even more difficult, how does one accept forgiveness from a man and an industry for whom he has no respect to begin with? This is a very difficult place in which Mr. Ballmer has placed us...nearly as difficult as that of a six-year-old girl who just wants to eat some candy on Halloween.