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I've mentioned here before that I can't be offended. It's true. The opinions, words and actions of others don't offend me because they're simply that: opinions, words and actions. Believe what you want. Say what you want. I don't care, because I don't have to agree. That's one of the joys of having a brain.

I suppose that the closest I come to being offended, though, isn't caused by slurs, allegations or insults, as with most people. It's not caused by naughty words or naked boobs on the TV channel. If anything, I'm offended by the stupidity of marketers and advertisers, or perhaps by their inherent belief that I'm stupid. Nowhere is this more apparent than in commercials that require actors to sit in front of computers.

I see it in insurance commercials, car commercials, computer commercials (of course), and just about everywhere else. You've always got these young, successful couples in bright, conservatively decorated homes working away on their high-end laptops in positions that professional ballerinas couldn't hold for more than ten seconds. They're scrunched up in sofas. They're outside in a hammock. They're sitting on hardwood floors with four-year-old children running about. Obviously, the people staging these commercials don't own sofas, have never sat in a hammock, and never actually use computers.

Beyond that, I'm always surprised by the lack of cables of running to the computers in these commercials. Who knew that everyone with a computer also has wireless internet, no need for a printer, and perpetual battery life? Come to think of it, who knew that everyone with a computer uses a laptop?

Yeah, I know, I've read the headlines, too. Many of them, right here at Applelinks.

I reply to this with the same phrase I use to reply to my wife when she talks about reality television shows: It's all bunk.

Go ahead, throw all the sales figures at me you like. If there's one thing I learned in the single marketing class I took in college, it's that sales figures mean nothing. They can be used to prove just about any point—quite often, even competing points. Given the right sales figures and a vendetta, I could probably prove that Macs have outsold all PC brands for the past ten years. When you tell me laptops are outselling desktops, I'll suggest that maybe desktop owners haven't needed to upgrade lately. Perhaps the design and video professionals aren't buying new machines this year, while those cute couples who need to purchase new insurance policies from their hammocks are.

I have both, which makes me lucky, I suppose, but also in dept. I've got an 867MHz G4 with a 17" LCD Studio Display downstairs and a 1GHz 17" PowerBook upstairs. The PowerBook is actually the more powerful of the two systems, as it also has a better graphics card. It's at the desk with the more comfortable chair, and it's far enough away from the TV that I'm not subjected to the noise pollution of some Friends rerun or whatever female empowerment movie happens to be on Oxygen that day. Know what? Despite all that, I still mostly use the desktop machine downstairs. Know why? Because it simply offers a better computing experience.

It begins with this: I have yet to find—and believe I never will find—a laptop keyboard that's as responsive and comfortable to use as a stand alone keyboard. With a desktop machine, I can select from dozens of keyboard options. I know what you're saying. "But Col. Hiner, you can plug a third-party keyboard into a laptop!" Sure, but there goes your upcoming portability and small footprint arguments.

Speaking of smaller footprint, I don't think that argument holds weight anymore. Laptops are getting big, and my 17" PowerBook takes up quite a bit of space on the desk. In square inches, more than my Matias TactilePro keyboard downstairs. Also downstairs, the LCD monitor sits out of the way at the back of the desk, using space I otherwise wouldn't fill, and giving me room in front of it for the keyboard, papers, a Zip drive, a USB hub, and various gaming devices. The PowerBook, on the other hand, forces the screen to be up front in my face, killing the potential uses for desk space behind it except to store items I have to drag to the front to use. Even worse, the PowerBook kills the area to the sides, as well, as that's where all the connection ports are. Where I would normally place a mouse pad or Shuttle Pro, I've got USB, FireWire, ethernet and power cables snaking out. With my desktop machines, these cables are out of the way, hidden behind and under the desk.

Under the desk, you see, along with the CPU. Yes, desktop machines are large, but what else are you doing with all that room under your desk? Computer on the left, waste basket on the right, subwoofer somewhere in between. Is that so hard to set up?

I also like that I can upgrade my QuickSilver easily and frequently. With all this talk of FireWire and USB 2.0 speeds, PCI is still the way to go for most of what I do, so I like to have multiple slots open for me. There's also more room for RAM upgrades and additional drives. When you buy a laptop, on the other hand, aside from a few small upgrade options, you're pretty much stuck with what you bought. Perhaps that's another reason they're selling so well...people have to buy them more often to keep their system current.

Should I even get into the monitor situation? As big as laptop screens are, they're not big enough. Not for everyone, anyway. With a desktop machine, the screen size is my decision to make. And, should something go horribly awry with it, I need only buy a new one, not buy an whole new laptop or pay for a repair that's more costly than a new monitor would be. Again, some of you may want to point out that I can plug a larger monitor into my laptop. Again, I'll direct you to my comment about plugging a different keyboard into a laptop. Defeats the purpose, my friends.

None of this is to say that laptops are useless, of course. I've owned a PowerBook 3400c and a 500MHz G3 iBook before the PowerBook I have now, and all have served me well. Yes, I do need the portability. I've used them in hotels, airplanes, expos and just about everywhere else outside of hammocks or the living room floor. I'm especially pleased with the PowerBook, as it's the first that has had the power to allow me to use it for more than just word processing, surfing the web and playing retro arcade games. Ironically, when I'm on the road, I still use it mainly for word processing, surfing the web and playing retro arcade games.

So, yeah, I understand the usefulness and importance of laptops. I'm not questioning that. I just don't get why their increased sales for some reason have to point to the death of the desktop machine. Perhaps Mac users have been on the end of the "your platform is going to die" debate for so long that we just like having another product whose doom we can predict. "Aha, laptops are selling well! I own a laptop! I made the right decision and now every single other computer user agrees with me! I was right! I belong!"

Is that a bit harsh? Maybe, as I doubt most laptop users even care about what sells and what doesn't. I wouldn't either, quite honestly, were it not for the recent barrage of "death of the desktop" articles that have been popping up. I think they're wrong. I know they're wrong. Laptops may one day outsell desktop machines, but those desktops will always have their use and their audience. Or, at least they will until some radical, new design more effectively combines the two or does away with them both. I don't know what that machine will be like, but I do know this; when it comes, I still won't use it in a hammock or on the living room floor.