PowerSuck
G12 MP "Killumded" Shut Your Mouth If You Know
What's Good
August 12, 2002
Today the PowerSuck, tomorrow the
compulsory Chevrolet.
Dark
secrets Now that I've given away the name of the new
desktop Macs, can we all go home? More details? Oh, all
right. But you understand, I can't be held responsible if
you put off buying a perfectly good dual processor 1GHz
PowerMac just because you're lusting for a Killumded. It's
all Apple's fault, anyway. If they'd just build crappy junk,
you'd take whatever was on the shelf and leave as happy as
if you'd scored a brand new stapler.
The Killumded represents a quantum leap forward in
processor design and manufacturing technology. Actually, it
mostly represents a leap, because that's what they have to
do to keep up with these things. A secret new process
developed jointly by Motorola, NASA, and Quaker State allows
essentially unlimited data transfer speed. The new
motherboards using these components are so efficient, as
soon as you set one down, it's gone, literally gone,
creating nightmarish and highly dangerous assembly line
dynamics. Just to obtain proper seating, the chips
themselves have to be installed on a centrifuge. Apple calls
the new device the "G12," but that's only because that's how
many might be inside when they're done. About a
dozen, hopefully, but nobody knows for sure, because the
chips have a mind of their own and a velocity that's
postively painful.
The new model's name does not come unearned. Several
developers died painful, lingering deaths during the
astoundingly short time it took for the G12 to make it into
production. Even now, Apple is advising customers not to
operate the Killumded with open mouths in order to prevent
small internal organs from being sucked out by the
slipstream (mouthbreathers, beware!). The "PowerSuck"
moniker is telling too, because once booted up, the new
machines can never be turned off. After reaching maximum
temperature, the G12 processors operate so rapidly that the
data flow itself generates a powerful force field. Special
armor inside the PowerSuck's case is designed to contain a
typical explosion resulting from the collapse of this field
due to sudden power failures, but Apple isn't taking any
chances: backup alternative power supply systems are
mandatory with this unit.
Do
I really need one? No, of course not, silly! In fact, your current
Macintosh may be doing everything you need it to do, and
with demonstrably less physical or financial risk. The
PowerSuck G12 MP Killumded's manufacturer's suggested retail
price (MSRP) is in fact a secret... Due to the
special national security requirements mandated by the
Killumded's horrific speed, Apple has been authorized by the
Office of Homeland Security to have the computer
automatically charge the user's credit card(s) an
undisclosed amount several times a year. The beauty of this
arrangement is that you won't have to pay a penny until you
actually retire! The accumulated sum, plus interest, will be
deducted as a lump sum from your Social Security account via
a complicated formula. Should this result in a negative
balance, retirees will be allowed to live for free on
special government work farms while they work off their
debt. In this way Mac users will be assured of having the
fastest computers in all the world right now and be
guaranteed a roof over their heads long after the Killumded
has been replaced by mandatory YESSIRS (Yearly
Extensible Spinal Socket Implant Registration Systems). Wait
a minute, I wasn't supposed to mention them. Apple is
worried you might want to wait and not buy a PowerSuck . Oh
well.
As long as I'm on the subject, here is what a regular
reader of this column had to say recently on the subject of
speed-lust crazed upgrade binges. Please note that this does
not represent the views of this Web site or my own,
precisely... I (we) believe that everyone should spend
every penny they have on the very latest equipment.
Absolutely. Why, this man is a troglodyte! A threat to our
very way of life. He should be compelled to buy a new
PowerSuck!
"I agree with you 100%. I never
get worked up about Apple nonsense anymore, because I
have all the resources to maintain my existing systems
for, well, certainly the rest of my natural lifespan. If
it ain't broke, don't fix it! Yeah, my machines are
ancient history, but they all STILL WORK, and work WELL.
Apple could drop dead tomorrow, but I could still run my
studio, surf the net, play with Photoshop, whatever. Now
if and when some 'killer app' that I absolutely have to
have for some reason will only run on a new machine, then
I'll get a new machine. But I'll still maintain the old
ones, since THEY JUST WORK. Apple builds its machines too
damn well, so people don't trade up every 18 months like
poeple do with PCs."
Phantom
of the operating system Remember the Kihei? That's it above, actually. Or
what I said it was, back in October, '99, when Apple
was coming out with an iMac revision codenamed after yet
another silly beach somewhere you can't go. Back then one
Mac site or the other had gotten ahold of spy pictures of
the barely-altered iMac and incurred the wrath of Apple
legal. I decided to spoof the hoo-raw with my own version of
the new verboten beastie, and that's what you see up there,
modeled on the real thing, of course. Just don't let that
funny GIF give you the impression I made up the first part
of this column. You wanna be hip, get PowerSucked! It's the
Next Big Thing, all right. (Oooh yeah, killumded...)
Well, I'm running out of time here. Thanks to all you
FARRFEED fans for
visiting my Salon blog and ratcheting up the hits! I really
appreciate it, and so someday will my wife, who returns from
her long absence -- YIKES, the day after tomorrow! (Quick:
make money, shave, change sheets, buy groceries) She thinks
blogs are nasty private journals where people discuss
hideously embarrassing things like sex with watermelons.
Nice Iowa girls don't read blogs, in other words, so
when I talk about "the blog," she looks over her shoulder
like she thinks the vice squad is about to bust down the
door. But we know better, don't we? Sex with Pecan Sandies
& hot chocolate, maybe, but never with a melon! I'll
show her, though.
The Internet is a mighty marvel, and love is just a click
away.
"Grack!"
Senior Applelinks editor and columnist John
H. Farr is ready to ride this sucker to that log cabin
home in the sky, so hit these links:
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