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Beauty Treatment
Try It, It Just Might Work

July 8, 2002

Safe as bunny milk!

Quantum huh?!
My obviously ahead-of-its-time masterwork was fairly well ignored last week. Of the four people I know who actually read it, two dug Wongo Boy, one thanked me for a "great column," and a lady in Australia allowed as how it was "a bit incoherent, really, but at some indefinable intuitive level I think I know exactly what you mean." BINGO!

The semi-conceptual beard that led off the piece is no more, but its spirit lives on. It was coming along nicely until my wife called me from Scotland. "Do you still have long hair?" she asked, poignantly. "Sure!" I said. (Knowing that I have never expressed doubt about its current length tells you that she was not afraid that I had hacked it off.) The next evening, as I got cleaned up for a literary reading (the topics being UFOs and teenage whores on dope), it occurred to me that lit chicks like their Mansons young, and I already knew what my Iowa girl would say when she got off the plane in August, so -- but the hair stays! Meanwhile, speaking of books, and hairy ones at that, here's one you should see [contact me to reach the artist]. The reason for its insertion may be or may not be obvious before we get to the bottom of the page, but so what:

One thing I've discovered is that if one does not do nasty things, use PCs, or consort with calves, one can look as wild as one would like and not think twice. Here in northern New Mexico however, having hair way down your back makes one either a) an Indian, b) a local over 30, or c), in the case of an Anglo, a real estate agent. In "going native" I have so far achieved conventionality, in other words. Were you to cut my hair, the only thing to save me from the tourist roundups would be the tan lines from my sandals.

It's not nice to fool Mother Nature
Things are getting very, very weird. Given what transpired last week just about anywhere you look, I'd say things were getting downright unnatural. Central Texas getting more than two feet of rain in just one week is bad enough that if I were running things, I wouldn't risk provoking the gods any further. Some people don't see it that way, of course.

Meanwhile, down in the Valley, the valley so low (as the song goes), that wailing and crunching you hear is the sound of a giant bunny rabbit devouring its young. Whoa! You didn't know rabbits were carnivorous? Well, they're not, but maybe that's no bunny, either. It's all so confusing.

[Quick, something pretty and distracting! Explanation three paragraphs below.]

When I was a kid I liked to watch professional wrestling on TV. Looking back, I have to wonder why. It may have been because the matches always featured a good guy and a major villain, the one who grabbed a metal chair and bashed the underdog when the ref wasn't looking. There was usually someone to root for, in other words. One day my father had too much to drink or was in a rotten mood and decided to eat his young by yelling at me that wrestling was fixed! Now that I think about it, I'd probably changed the channel to a wrestling match when he wanted to watch a baseball game, so that was his way of getting his way, you see. Maybe it wasn't my father, though, maybe it was a giant filicidal hare. I owe his memory that much, to consider the possibility at least. Moving right along:

Zoukfest 2002
By all means hit that link and see what I was up to over the 4th of July and Saturday night as well. And what a gorgeous Web site, done on a Mac (naturally) with Fireworks and Dreamweaver. If you don't know what a bouzouki is or if you've never heard one, you owe it to yourself to acquire some experience in that direction. Zoukfest was an all-around elevating jolt without which this past week could never ended on the high note that it did (pun intended). In the course of hearing all the fabulous music, I managed to register for a custom instrument being raffled off. They're only selling 100 tickets at $35 each and then they'll draw my number. Inexplicably, there are still some tickets left, but if you visit the site and buy the rest online, the sooner I'll be able to take it home.

While listening to the music, I discovered something else to take pictures of besides mountains and kittycats, namely pretty girls. The sight and sound of Connie Dover and Sonja Drakulich can blow any kind of crap you care to name to well-deserved oblivion. [For a great Fotofeed shot of Connie and Mason, please go here.] It certainly worked for me. I woke up Sunday morning writing poetry in my dreams... POEMS, fergodssakes! Don't laugh. In an astounding example of synchronicity, the Santa Fe New Mexican Sunday edition featured a Washington Post interview with national poet laureate (yes, we still have one) Billy Collins, a man I'd like to meet. The interviewer bravely asked him what the best poem was that he had ever seen written on a bathroom wall and Collins gave him this one he saw in Ireland back when Miles Davis was still alive (one beat short of a haiku but still worth savoring):

"Just remember that when Miles Davis dies, we all move up a step."

Finally, if you have the sense, however fleeting, that I've had to do -- how shall I put this -- some stable cleaning lately, that isn't too far off the mark. I know it's working because on my Sunday morning latte run I came across this fine example of New Mexico automotive art and want to share it with the world. That I should stumble onto poetry, Miles, and a yellow '57 in one morning is no accident and points the way toward better things.

Enjoy! Dual exhausts with glasspacks, I think.

  "Grack!"

Senior Applelinks editor and columnist John H. Farr can't wait to pick up his new bouzouki. Go buy some tickets!

 GRACK Update List

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GRACK! 2001 archives are HERE.
(Current year's columns just below) 

July 1: "Quantum Warriors"
June 24: "
Wait, I'm Not Done Yet!"
June 17: "
Magnum Mysterium"
June 10 "
Six Weeks Before the Mast"
June 3: "
Hair, Skin, and Bare Feet"
May 27: "
I Went on a Trip to Mingus"
May 20: "
Creative Procrastination"
May 13: "
It's Ten O'clock!"
May 6: "
Sagebrush Saga"
Apr. 29 "
Universe of Lies"
Apr. 22: "
Earth Day All the Time"
Apr. 15: "
Oh, THOSE Taxes!"
Apr. 8: "
Turn Left at the Llamas"
Apr. 1: "
April Drool"
Mar. 25: "
Tuzas on the Curb"
Mar. 18: "
Holy Ghostbeak"
Mar. 11: "
Lord of the Turkeys"
Mar. 4: "
The Heart of the Matter"
Feb. 25: "
New Stuff: Browsers, Servers, etc."
Feb. 18: "
Mascot Lore & More"
Feb. 11: "
Killer Email & Wiccan PotLuck"
Feb. 4: "
Meanies, Guerillas, & Subscription Copycats"
Jan. 28: "
Full Moon Frenzy, w/ PowerMacs"
Jan. 21: "
iMacs & Webmaster Schadenfreude"
Jan. 14: "
Was It Only a Week Ago?"
Jan. 7: "
Useless Column"
Dec. 31, '01: "
I Want a Refund"

AUDIO CREDIT: embedded 44k file, European Birds -- Sounds and Sonograms.

DESIGN CREDIT: GRACK! byline graphic by Bob Farr.

"GRACK!" is © copyright 2002, John H. Farr, all rights reserved

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