May 7, 2001

Let HIM live next to one...

VANDALS AT THE GATES
Let's keep this short and get the ugly stuff out of the way first. To my way of thinking, one of the most newsworthy events of the past week was that United States of Brown & Root Pres. Cheney declared that building more nuclear power plants and poking more holes into the planet is the only way to save ourselves from wrack and ruin. You know better, of course. Do these guys really believe the best technologies and lifestyles are those that use the most energy? What are we supposed to do, hurry and use everything up before the Chinese and Brazilians do?? This is so bizarrely self-destructive, it leaves me (almost) speechless.

IS APPLE UNAMERICAN?
I'm kidding, of course, but think about it: the G3 and G4 processors favored by our favorite computer manufacturer use significantly less energy than the honking, fan-bedecked Klutz-o-Matic Pentiums we hear so much about. Is this moving in the right direction? Shouldn't patriotic, all-American companies like Apple be promoting the accelerated consumption of non-renewable resources and the free use of endangered natural materials? At the very least, shouldn't the new iBook have been made of rare old-growth hardwoods and whalebone? ("Special Ebony & Scrimshaw Edition!") And shouldn't its energy source, a subversively long-lasting battery, more responsibly have been made to require constant recharging or been rejected in favor of a tiny fission engine?? ("The new iBook: Put a Bomb in Your Lap!") Well, they're doing what they can. It takes a humongous amount of energy to produce the magnesium alloy for the internal frames, and you do know where plastic comes from, don't you?

Once upon a time, I think it was back before our economy became immune to boom and bust cycles (hahahaha), I was fond of promoting a program I called the "compulsory Chevrolet." What this meant was that every household would be required to buy a new car every year, thus goosing the GDP in a wondrous way forever and ever. Little did I know we would be tilting perilously close to this in the glorious 21st century. Pity poor Steve Jobs, vegetarian: can you imagine a life without steak or glorious, greasy cheeseburgers? When Government, Inc. declares the "compulsory bypass" on behalf of the medical-industrial complex, the poor bastard will have to go through all that suffering for no good reason. I don't think he'll like it one bit, either -- but now on to better things!

¡VIVA NEW iBOOK FRENZY!
Well sure, I want one (look up!). But what I really want is the new, improved long-range AirPort capability I read about somewhere (hasn't arrived yet). I never would have bought my original tangerine iBook except for the wireless technology, of course. As I write this, my wife is sitting on the sofa looking at Iowa real estate Web sites (we're sharing our one Internet connection, of course). My PowerMac 8600 is connected to the base station via Ethernet, and the whole setup works like a charm. When I get up in the morning, she's already over at the breakfast table emailing or reading her custom comics pages. The convenience of sitting down anywhere in the house with the iBook and doing whatever you want online is muy fabuloso and not to be underestimated.

As for the (NEW!) iBook itself, well, it's way better than mine, performance-wise. Until I lay my hands on one, I can't make any comparisons. However, I do know that the relatively large, curved form of the original laptop is perfect for writing. There's room to rest my wrists, and I like to run my eyes around the colored curves while I wait for inspiration to strike. So I have to wonder about people who prefer the minimalist look in all things, you know? I mean, what is it with small = best?* (Was there a plebiscite I missed??) Some of my favorite things have bulges and doodads that aren't strictly necessary. Consider the gorgeous chromed artillery-shell bumper protrusions on mid-Fifties Cadillacs, for example. Yes, I know, some have compared them to "other" things. So what? Beauty is beauty.

I still like the new one. It's almost cute in a minimalist kind of way, if that's possible. And I love all those ports on the left side, for some reason (I dunno, it just looks ready). Being nearsighted and a lifelong windshield- and glasses-cleaning fanatic, I think I'd appreciate the high-rez screen, and I prefer the iBook's aspect ratio over that of the TiBook, too. So send me one, Apple! I've been doing this Mac writing gig for more than 3 years and still haven't gotten a damn free computer. (It isn't fair, I tell you: I know how to play ball as well as the next crook,but no one wants to help me sell out. Might as well just talk about the weather as Macs, I guess.)

JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS
As we walked into the San Cristobal post office this morning (Saturday), Ricardo greeted us with a hearty "Merry Christmas!" This being a peculiar saluation for Cinco de Mayo, we were mystified -- NOT! As I close this week's column, I leave you with a picture taken at 9:00 a.m., 5-5-2001, outside our rented adobe cottage in the beautiful southern Rocky Mountains. Yes, this is spring (gulp). This is also the eighth straight month with measurable snow. At least the drought is broken, hmm?

 ("Grack!")

Senior Applelinks editor and columnist John H. Farr wants to point out that while you're visiting his Zoozone site with its amazing daily FotoFeed feature, you can also max out your credit card and give him all your money with just a couple of clicks. No, really! Try it and see. If that doesn't turn you on, go to this Web page (where the listed prices are much, much too low and no longer valid) and check out the cat hammers and other stuff he used to make.

*It's the style o' the moment, of course. You just think it's to shed weight. Next year the Big Thing will be wheeled iBooks powered by Ginger. (What? You know, Ginger! Oh, never mind...)

AUDIO CREDIT: embedded 44k file, European Birds -- Sounds and Sonograms.