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The revolution is almost here
Would you believe it? A Mac Web friend and I just happened to mention what I am now assured is a false rumor about Steve Jobs' future whereabouts and the one guy paying attention over the holidays made us go stand in the corner. All right, I was guilty: I'd made the mistake of believing something because it was on a Mac site, hahaha! So let this be a lesson to you all... [stern wagging of finger]

For the record however, no, Steve Jobs is not giving a speech at Shawn King's bull roast & crab feast on Tuesday, January 8th (Moscone Center, Rm. 116), though my sources tell me that's the place, all right -- he just won't be talking, that's all. What's more, later that day the CEO will helicopter to a secret location in Mendocino for a good ole south Texas style cabrito-roast put on by a gang of Mac freaks from Austin. I can't tell you who they are or where it is, however, due to threats from anti-recidivist vegetarian terror groups.

I'll bet you thought that odd Monday keynote was supposed to provide the venue for a revolutionary new product, didn't you? For that matter, I'll bet you thought Jobs was a vegetarian. But what if the chief exec just wants to party? (If he's blown off broccoli, I figure the man's ready to bite anything that bleeds.) But keep this info to yourself. Loose lips sink barbecues too.

I know something you don't
Quite a few things, actually, not that they do me any damn good. Like where the MacSurfer publisher lives and works ("Hi, Phil! Your secret is safe with me..."). I also know how to turn demos into gold. Well, once I did, for maybe one or two of them. But the kids who showed me that trick have all been rounded up and shot, pobrecitos. Those glory days are gone [sigh]. Good ole 2001.

I'm sure most of you know something I don't, anyway, so we're even. Maybe someone out there can tell me where the money is, because I'm about to try my hand at pornography [ba-dum-bum!]. For a while earlier this year I was in the habit of emailing resumés to online job services, looking for writing gigs mostly, until I read that so many people are out of work, most listings get thousands of email responses. It's beginning to look like the only good dot-commer is a dead dot-commer, or at least one without a resumé to push. I hear things are picking up, although Larry Ellison wasn't too far off when he said that the only people worse off than writers are coal miners. Erk.

E-books, however, are kicking up quite a bit of dust. The lesser-known publishers, the ones who've stuck strictly to PDF books and maybe some print-on-demand, are doing quite well. The big guys who also want to sell you a Star Trek electronic book reader thingie have temporarily given up, but they'll be back when the economy picks up. I'm thinking PDF, myself. (Onward!)

Oh what a beautiful morning
That's just there for medicinal effect. I'm writing this from Dubuque, where I've hardly seen the sun since we got here. As I write, a damp 5 degree Fahrenheit wind is whistling around the window frames. In the early afternoon gloom I can barely make out horizontal snow flurries. ("Honey, we have got to move your mother to Cancun!")

The other night in the dining room of the assisted-living complex where my mother-in-law lives, a friendly server offered me some "strawberry pie," which I gratefully accepted. Strawberry pie, oh joy! My best buddy back in Maryland gets regular infusions of this delight from his mother, who knows what sugar is for, so I have considerable familiarity with the concoction. Imagine my surprise and horror, then, when I stuck my fork into...JELLO! Aaaaghhh! (No-no-no-no: strawberries, cornstarch, and sugar, lots of it. Not Jello, please.) My tablemates were unsympathetic: "Of course it's Jello. This is Iowa."

So 2002 just HAS to be better, right?

A new product that we really need would be cool (something that changes poor people's lives for the better would be revolutionary, too). Money for writing would be astounding. Peace on earth would be, um, bad for the Carlyle group? Heck, I'd settle for real strawberry pie.

Hey, I can call this a postlude if I want, it's my column. Anyway, between the preceding paragraph and this one, my wife and I went bar-hopping. In Dubuque, on Sunday night, no less. The first place we hit (and the one I liked the best) was called "The Busted Lift," down in a basement somewhere. The blonde bartender made me a very bad margarita, but since she was gorgeous and only a doofus would order a drink like that in an Irish bar in Dubuque, I didn't mind.

Here's the thing, though: over in a corner on a table with a Christmas bow stuck to it was a relatively new iMac! There: that's my Mac angle. And with that I bid 2001 a very well-deserved farewell.

Now git!

Senior Applelinks editor and columnist John H. Farr wishes everyone a very happy and prosperous New Year.

SMART TAGS, PHOOEY!

Those of you who know what "smart tags" are may want to include the following code in the <head> section of your Web pages.

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AUDIO CREDIT: embedded 44k file, European Birds -- Sounds and Sonograms.

DESIGN CREDIT: GRACK! byline graphic by Bob Farr.

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