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Taxpayer money for what?
This is really getting out of hand, so I'll put it in nice big letters everyone can read:

The FBI is developing a computer virus. . .

It will record keystrokes, read anything you've ever typed, and gain access to your hard drives. So far there isn't a thing you can do about it. What's more, future virus protection apps may be intentionally crippled by the manufacturers so the Feds can snoop at will. (I kid you not.)

The virus is codenamed "Magic Lantern" and the plan is for it to be transmitted to suspects' computers by the usual methods that exploit existing security holes in email apps, Web browsers, and operating systems. The Magic Lantern virus is "keylogging" software that can record every keystroke on a particular computer. The ostensible purpose of this little gem is to steal encryption keys, and of course only bad guys will be affected, right? "Hey, they won't use this on me. I'll never be a suspect!"

Well, I dunno about that. Have you ever passed through a DWI roadblock? Have you ever been pulled over by a traffic cop? Have you ever gotten a letter from the IRS? Have you ever FLOWN ON A PLANE? We're all potential suspects in the Land of the Scared. And according to the Washington Post, McAfee Corporation has already contacted the FBI to make certain its software doesn't "inadvertently detect" the virus. Gee, thanks.

"BOO!" That ought to do it. *
(Please see postscript, below)

Buy our stuff, it doesn't work!
Let's look at this again. The government is developing a computer virus that can detect anything we type on our computer keyboards. We're supposed to trust that nobody's rights will be violated and that the program won't be copied, adapted, or inadvertantly spread (hah!). Furthermore, McAfee Corporation and presumably others will make sure their virus detection apps don't work against this thing. What does this suggest to you? Besides an astonishing degree of intellectual arrogance, authoritarian vigor, and plain old hubris, that is?

For one thing, if you're a virus author, your path to fame is clearly marked: just follow the bread crumbs through the forest, Jocko! For another, we won't be able to trust any virus detection software in the future. Somebody at McAfee isn't thinking very clearly here. Take a look at this copy of an email a very concerned Mac user just sent to the company:

"To Whom It May Concern:

It has come to my attention that your company is helping big government and especially, the FBI to violate the civil liberties of private American citizens. According to a Washington Post article: quote 'At least one company that makes anti-virus software, McAfee.com Corp., contacted the FBI on Wednesday to ensure its software wouldn't inadvertently detect the bureau's snooping software and alert a criminal suspect', unquote.

This smacks of selling out to interests that are determined to undermined the Bill of Rights under the name of security. These efforts to snoop on the privacy of innocent Americans is totally unconstitutional and un-American .

These are violations of the First and Fourth amendments. The former constrains the government from violating our right to free speech, the latter restrains the government from violating our right to be free from unreasonable searches and seizures.

I am hoping the news account of your ease of capitulation is inaccurate. If it isn't then I will forego the use of your products and will pass this on to my friends."

Why the Bureau loves Microsoft
You gotta love their chutzpah or go stark raving bonkers from the implications of it all. Take a look at this other quotation from the Washington Post article:

"The FBI added that its research is 'always mindful of constitutional, privacy and commercial equities' and that its use of new technology can be challenged in court and in Congress."

To my battered sensibilities, this is like saying, "I can come into your home and do whatever I want with a clear conscience because if you don't stop me, it's your own damn fault! " And then there's another quotation that ought to raise an eyebrow or two, at least:

"Magic Lantern could be installed over the Internet by tricking a person into opening an e-mail attachment or by exploiting some of the same weaknesses in popular commercial software that allow hackers to break into computers."

Egad! Do you see where this is going? I can easily imagine, in these twisted, beyond-the-pale days, the Justice Department making the argument that protecting Microsoft's monopoly is necessary to the national security precisely because the software is full of holes. And finally, just because it occurs to me and fascinates me with its demented brilliance, I leave you with this really bizarre, over-the-edge, paranoid thought: What if the company's awful security lapses were part of a quid pro quo?!?

"Good-night, John-boy!"

*Postscript: the AG is afraid of cats?!
You're not going to believe this. If the following is true, it goes a long way toward explaining why things are in the state they are. If it's apocryphal, my humblest apologies in advance. The following is from AndrewTobias.com:

"Shortly after becoming Attorney General, John Ashcroft was headed abroad. An advance team showed up at the American embassy in the Hague to check out the digs, saw cats in residence, and got nervous. They were worried there might be a calico cat. No, they were told, no calicos. Visible relief. Their boss, they explained, believes calico cats are signs of the devil. [my emphasis -- JHF] (The advance team also spied a statue of a naked woman in the courtyard and discussed the possibility of its being covered for the visit, though that request was not ultimately made.)

Senior Applelinks editor and columnist John H. Farr wishes you well and invites your comments. And if you'd like to see daily photos from the Land of Enchantment, please visit FotoFeed.

The new GRACK! Update mailing list is now operational. To receive your own weekly notice of new column postings, just CLICK HERE and send a blank email.

AUDIO CREDIT: embedded 44k file, European Birds -- Sounds and Sonograms.

DESIGN CREDIT: GRACK! byline graphic by Bob Farr.

PHOTO CREDIT: calico cat screenshot from http://www.texanflower.com/cats.htm

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