When
Good Computers Do Bad Things (Evahbody
Must Get Spied)
November
25, 2002
(MAJOR
RANT! Leave page immediately if easily
offended.)
No
need for cuffs, I'll come quietly If
I told you how bad things are, you wouldn't believe it.
Well, maybe you would, but I'm still not going to tell you.
And if I wait long enough, maybe I'll forget. I'm trying
really hard. The least the authorities could do, as long as
they're trying to drive us to drugs, is make them legal.
Sure would improve the climate for memory loss, too. But I
will say one thing about all the Nazi metaphors floating
around: they're totally inadequate! Hitler never
dreamed of the kind of power Ashcroft and Poindexter
will have, and in the early days of the Reich, Jews and
dissidents could at least leave, for cryin' out loud.
Say the wrong thing about the Big Boss now in an email and
see
if they'll let you board your flight
home
for Christmas, I dare you.
What
a crock. You'd think those planes had been hijacked by frat
rats from Farmer City instead of suicidal Saudis. Why spy on
us? Oh right, to catch them. (???) Well, I
have a better idea. FBI agents in the field had the future
hijackers dead to rights, but their superiors ignored the
reports, so why don't we spy onthe government and
find out why they screwed up? Now that there's going to
be a Department of Homeland Security, at least all the
suspects will be in one place and easy to wiretap. Talk
about your silver linings...The only other ray of hope I see
is that all the Big Brother apps will run on Windows. You
know they will. Microsoft, well on its way to being
named the second branch of government (silly you, you
thought there were already three, didn't you?), will surely
supply the underpinnings. With any luck at all, some
14-year-old Third World geek will have Ashcroft arresting
all the Baptists and sending Cheney's credit cards to
Palestine.
Honestly,
how can I write about wacky-Mac, cutesy-poo, goo-goo stuff
with all this carrying-on? I LOVE MY MAC and there was a
time when I loved the Internet, so I just can't stand it
that the goon squads are turning the medium against us.
WE'RE INNOCENT! [Puff-pant, puff-pant] While I'm at
it, someone just sent me this quotation but doesn't know
where it comes from. If you happen to know, please tell me,
'cause I think it rocks:
"The
US Constitution has its flaws, but it's a damn sight
better than what we have now."
[Note
to uptight, puritanical, literal-minded snoops: I am not
advocating drug use in the first paragraph. That is
satire. Unfortunately, every other word is
true.]
And
now a word from our sponsor That
should have prepared you for the mood shift. I certainly
hope so. Anyway, I'm sure the boss would rather I tell you
how to get the most out of your computers and talk up all
the cool stuff Applelinks has at the Think
Different
store, so why don't you take a look? I know you will be
amazed at the selection of stuff this site has for sale.
I am, and you know Farr isn't easily impressed. To
find these things at vendor sites, you have to wade through
all kinds of silly stuff like CD butter and PC
diapers. Well, we don't have those things, we have GOOD
STUFF! COOL STUFF! As cheap or cheaper than you'll find
anywhere.
What's
more, a lot of these goodies have been reviewed here at
Applelinks by people like Charles Moore, Kirk Hiner, and
others, and I tell you what: I'd trust any of these people
with my life, no kidding. I'd even loan them my truck. When
it comes to things like what I just ranted & raved
about, we may disagree horribly, but when it comes to
caring about Macs and telling you the truth
and reporting responsibly, this gang is SOLID.
There ain't a mushy Apple in the bunch, no pun intended,
and the personal integrity of everyone involved is
staggering.You got that? I wouldn't work anyplace
else. Well, maybe. For lots and lots and lots of bucks. But
I would always be most proud of being part of
Applelinks.com, and don't you forget it.
[I
swear I had no idea any of that was going to come out
when I sat down to post this.]
OS
X! OS X! Meanwhile,
back at the digital ranch, I need some ideas. Here I am with
everythingI need to switch the unsupported 8600 over
to OS X except for common sense, and I'm stuck at the
starting line. I just can't proceed without massive backing
up, you see. I'm such a packrat. The drive I need to
reformat for X is loaded up with all these things I'll never
use but just can't throw away, like 80MB of fonts someone
gave me, and a thousand telephones that do not ring. (Do you
know where I can get rid of these things?) What I need, most
likely, is something portable to copy the existing drives
onto, someplace to store the family digital jewels as it
were, like maybe a nice, fresh 80-gig FireWire external
drive.
People
are practically giving away high-speed SCSI gear these days.
MacResQ has a 9.1 GB 10,000 rpm drive for less than thirty
bucks, and I have an enclosure taking up space in a box
somewhere. I could go with that. Barely large enough, but
'twould suffice for now. I'm kinda tempted, frankly.
Or
I could just burn a bunch of CDs. Trouble is, I can hardly
burn a one. The single most useless piece of shiny
plastic garbage I've ever spent money I didn't have on is my
lovely green-and-ice Que! USB CD-RW drive. The best thing
about it is the cute black carrying case it came with. Like
I'd want to take it with me somewhere, hah! Maybe it's the
fault of the USB card in the 8600, maybe the 8600 sucks,
maybe the USB hub has ants in its pants, I don't know, but
this concraption has NEVER WORKED the way it should,
not even at 2X "speed." The last time I tried to copy a
simple music CD, I wasted six blanks. I'm telling you, this
thing is evil. And neither Toast nor CharisMac Discribe can
give me what I want. I don't know what it is about Discribe,
but all it does is beep at me. Beep, beep, beep. People tell
me about drag-and-drop CD burning on their G4s and I just
wanna puke. You'd think I was using a PC,
fergodssakes.
[whine,
snivel]
All
right, I need a new Mac. Well, tough! I also need glasses
and another crown. For that matter, I need to pay the rent.
This is insane. But I love my 8600. That's crazy too, but so
what? You love your wife, don't you? What, you DON'T?!
If she can burn a CD, send her on over: I'll tell my
sweetie the new girl's part of the Jaguar upgrade and I have
to have her to do my work
The
way things are going, I'll need all the encouragement I can
get.
"Grack!"
For
whatever reasons, senior Applelinks editor and columnist
John
H. Farr
happened to remember someone special during the writing of
this column.
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