When
do we leave? Australia
must be a wonderful place. I say that because I've never
been there and I know it isn't here. The country's full of
funny animals called marsupials that give fending for
oneself a dirty name. Mama marsups give early birth to
squirmy pink worms, then let the tiny freeloaders fasten
themselves to teats and suck for months. Even after the
kids are big enough to fly, hop, or run all by themselves,
they still rate a hidey-hole in mama's pouch.
Hmm.
As
far as I know, Aussie humans reproduce the same as everyone,
only maybe better. I have it on good authority that everyone
there has sex all the time and feels so good they all use
Macs. I have a total of two regular Australian
correspondents who email me regularly (when they're not
having sex) and they use Macs, so do the math. There may be
one or two PCs down there, probably in Queensland, but you
know whoever uses them has likely emigrated recently and
isn't having any fun.
The
only thing wrong with Australia that I can see is that once
you're there, you're stuck. Well, sort of. But say you want
to go to, oh, I don't know, Oklahoma or Indianapolis -- wait
a minute, maybe these guys are onto something! Okay, I take
it back, this is great. Another good thing would be
that everywhere you went inside Australia would be weird: I
visited a Web site recently with tons of pictures of
Australia and I swear they made up every one. But Lordy, if
they're true, just think what leaving must be like.
Coming from Australia, every place you ever went
would look like nowhere you had ever been.
Aussies
love my ebook Well,
two of them, at least. So far I've sold a copy of
BUFFALO
LIGHTS
to one regular correspondent (who stopped having sex long
enough to send me a ten dollar bill inside an envelope with
the above stamp on it) and another irregular one (who must
have been so busy having sex, she had a hard time
getting PayPal to work). I also gave the thing to someone
else who said she'd print it out to take with her to a beach
house over the weekend. That's another thing that's great
about Australia. While I'm sitting here in Taos waiting for
the snow, everyone down under's breaking out the barbies and
I don't mean dolls.
New
Mexico, at least the northern part, is sort of like
Australia in that everything is weird. Leaving here is like
escaping from an island too, but no one I have met has any
kind of beach house. (If you're interested, you can follow
my El Norte fumblings in FarrFeed,
over at Salon.)
The
critter on the stamp is a Northern Hairy-nosed
Wombat (Lasiorhinus krefftii), which I am
informed (on the back of the envelope) is one of the most
endangered mammals in the world: "Less than 100 animals
remain in Epping Forest National Park near Clermont in
central Queensland where their favoured habitat is acacia
and eucalpyt woodland and flat, sandy grasslands." It's also
the largest Australian wombat, whose razor-sharp incisors
can sever careless hikers' legs with a single bite. The
"whiskers" on its nose are in reality venom-tipped quills
that carry a little-understood sex-inhibiting neurotoxin.
It's thought , in fact, that a recent case of PC use
documented in the region may have resulted from an encounter
with the wily (krefftii) predator.
Port
Willunga A
guy named Zerman
took this photo, which only reinforces for me that where I
am right now has a lot in common with Australia, or would
have if the continental plate west of the Rio Grande rift
valley broke off and slid beneath the waves. That looks an
awful lot like up by Coyote (look it up), except for
all the ripply stuff, and those rectilinear things beside
the cliff are open-sided shelters for, um, you
know.
Meanwhile,
you can sweep all thoughts of ulterior motives from your
minds. I wrote about Australia just to show how much I know
about the place and not to keep from poking fun at naked
emperors, Microsoft (speaking of which), or the obviously
made-up
stories
about Silicon
Valley
posted Sunday night. A country where everyone has sex all
day and only uses Macs is just the kind of place I have to
see, and if I miss out on the other stuff, so what? Watch
out for the krefftii killer and I'll see you all next week.
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