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I can say anything now
And why is that? Because absolutely no one is paying any attention.This column is usually posted on Sunday and dated for Monday. All that any Apple fan cares about is what Steve Jobs will say at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time on Monday morning. Ergo, this GRACK! don't mean dink.

From the unprecedented level of hyperbole exercised at Apple.com over the last week, I'd have to conclude that what will have been offered up by the time most of you read this is universal peace & love, 24-hour orgasms, and the end of the corporate state. What kind of new hardware could possibly be worth all the buzzmongering? This is only capitalism, not the Second Coming. Uncle Steve had better knock my socks off ten times over, by Neddie Dingo. Having said that, please note the following, especially since by the time this is read he may well have done so:

1. Apple has never introduced a new product I didn't immediately want. Oops, wait: a minute. I've never wanted a TiBook (too thin & angular, impaired AirPort functionality) or an iPod. Oh well. Onward!

2. Apple makes the best computer hardware on the planet (usually). I LOVE THIS STUFF! Some of the best gear on the planet. Bring it on.

3. Did I mention I love this stuff? I truly wish there was enough money in Mac writing to pay my way to San Francisco so I could join in the fun. It's bound to be an exciting keynote, no matter what. (Oh phooey. It's already over, anyway. How was it?)

 

How we do this
I could have held off writing this until Monday, when all would have been revealed. But see, I need that stuff to fill my daily quota. What you will see on most Mac sites soon after Steve Jobs leaves the stage are rehashed Apple press releases bracketed by a few personal comments. The on-the-scene keynote reports will be more interesting but essentially the same thing. What I usually do, assuming the Webcast is accessible, is prepare several blank page templates and have them on my desktop at the ready. Apple usually posts its own official press releases at this Apple Press Info page at some point during the keynote or immediately afterwards, and that's where I'll select, copy, and paste the contents into my templates. All I have to do is fiddle with the formatting, upload the suckers, and the press releases will show up on the Applelinks front page. Until my colleagues post their own observations, that is.

The way we have the home page set up, only a half dozen or so stories show up when you first visit Applelinks. This allows us to post the "blurbs" along with the headlines and give you an idea of the content contained within. Well, everyone here does his work differently, so what you'll likely see -- er, or have already seen -- is a bunch of Apple press releases posted by "Staff," followed by Charles Moore's more elaborately composed info and comments, followed in turn by one or two editorials from me, after I've had time to find something relevant to discuss in the wake of the keynote. Charles usually then adds his own editorials, and you may see similar commentary from other Applelinks writers.

However, if I'm sitting here in my bare feet -- my socks having been blown to smithereens -- the FIRST thing you'll see posted following the speech will be an appropriately hyperbolic, foaming-at-the-mouth, ecstatic rave piece. Maybe two of 'em!

Test this writer's intuition
Why give the keynote on Monday? Heck, I don't know. My best guess is that there is such a massive amount of new stuff to introduce, Jobs needs the Monday slot just to have the time to talk about it all. Also, with so much new hardware to introduce (guessing again, and by now you know if I was right), getting it all inside Moscone without being observed would have been nearly impossible. In other words, ya gotta intro the goodies before the hall is set up.

I don't think anyone will be disappointed, particularly. Well, maybe Adobe will, if iPhoto is for real. But judging from the way Apple has pumped this thing ("lust factor ten"), not even the silly "i" prefix will prevent riots from breaking out when the Apple stores run out of whatever it is you all know about by now. If they're right, really right this time, it'll shut a lot of people up, too. If they're not, I'll never mention a certain trade show again (too embarrassing)!

So, whaddaya think will happen after it all comes down?

("Grack!")

Senior Applelinks editor and columnist John H. Farr wants three of each.  

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"HEY, where are the old GRACKs?!"

You probably printed them all out and framed them, but I'll have an archive page set up real soon anyway.

AUDIO CREDIT: embedded 44k file, European Birds -- Sounds and Sonograms.

DESIGN CREDIT: GRACK! byline graphic by Bob Farr.

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