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Teaching by Bad Example
At Least I Have a Calling

January 20, 2003

[PLEASE NOTE: We have lift-off on PART ONE of the ebook. Subscriptions now being taken for all six installments, scheduled for Feb. - June. And no, of course I don't look like that now. I'm married, fergodssakes! Whaddayou, nuts?!]

Stupid base station tricks
This will elicit no sympathy from anyone, nor should it. I am the world's most famous procratinator. Well, not really famous yet, but just wait. You may remember that base station that I had replaced by Apple Computer. It's hanging on the wall now, a single green light glowing like it's supposed to do, and all's right with the world. [snort] When it arrived via Airborne Express, just two days after the tech support person said I'd won the jackpot, I put the old one in the box it came in and did what any red-blooded neatnik with three planets in Virgo would do: stuck it under my desk, naturally.

The thing is, I was supposed to send the the old one back within ten days. The instructions stuck in with the replacement unit said my credit card would be charged for the "full replacement price" if the box wasn't at Elk Grove, California by January 19 (oops). I finally remembered this last Friday and called Airborne in a froth of guilt and agony: after all, the 802.11g "AirPort Extreme" base station costs a hundred dollars less than this 1999 model. Of course, here in northern New Mexico, I'm lucky Airborne even shows up at all, and they certainly don't schedule pickups on the weekend. They're coming today, supposedly, but I wonder if the dispatcher realized it's a holiday. The restocking fee for late returns is fifty bucks, too. If Apple doesn't have pity on me for being a worthless idiot who could have had a free replacement if he only had a brain, I'll end up being charged almost double what a much better brand new base station would cost...

I'm figuring they might just hit me with the restocking fee and let it go at that. After all, they can stick a new capacitor in the one I sent them and send it to someone else who might forget to return it in time -- and then charge that guy. I don't mind a bit. And you know what? She really loves me. My wife, that is. I expected something on the order of a spontaneous involuntary liver dissection, but all she said was, "LET IT GO!" Knowing me as she does, this is not only good advice but self-preservation. Of course, the next thing she said was, "This is a good lesson for you." She hates the way I put things off, you know (I mailed the taxes last year on April 15th). I wonder if I'll have the box sealed before the Airborne Express van shows up.

Don't do this either
I only half-mean that. If you have as high an opinion of yourselves as I do of myself when I'm bouncing off another suicidal splat, you'd probably be just as reckless. What I'm about to do is something no man in his right mind would ever dream of doing, especially in this time and place. But let's look at it this way: when I was in my 20s -- sorry to disappoint all you 19-year-old babes -- I did a lot of things that no one should ever have to hear about, and you won't, unless you're willing to pay for the privilege. Yessir boys and girls, I'm going to [gulp] tell the truth. Who knows, it might just do some good.

Anyway, here's the latest prototype cover for my latest ebook, YELLOWHAMMER FARM. My wife just grimaced at the image and said, "That's pretty scary." The book is the story of my life, basically, from a time when a lot of people were losing theirs. The book is a true story about coming of age and moving "back to the land," a theme still very much a part of my own little path through the world. Both of those themes, actually (some of us have to boil a long time before our yolks harden). There's stuff in here that will shock, titillate, amuse, disgust, and inspire the hell out of untold millions of readers, I fervently hope. Making money out of this is the only way I'll be able to deflect the reactions from certain quarters, hoo boy.

But seriously, folks: I'm on a real mission. There were plenty of reasons to drop out and move to the Ozarks once upon a time, just as there were for coming out here to El Norte, and just as there will be when the Armageddon rangers do their number on your safety nets. Not that I really have any of this figured out to my satisfaction yet, but if you hear a familiar song here, that's just fine. It basically comes down to how five percent of the people (that's us) think using forty percent of the goods is really cool (it's not) and what might change things for the better. I rather think the high-fallutin' truths of nature and spirit will do more to balance our scales than five people in a bed or riding BSAs on acid, but I could be wrong, and in any case it's all there.

The book itself is awfully damn fine, if I do say so myself, so amazing, in fact, that I'm thinking of releasing what's already been written as the first issue of a subscription: you pay a certain price, you get the whole thing, between now and summer, say. (No, it isn't finished, obviously. I've been too busy putting off OS X, postponing doing my taxes, and forgetting to send back the base station.) If I do that, I'll also put the first segment (which is finished) on sale by itself for a mere pittance. All you perverts will like that anyway: you can read about what happened in the parks and bedrooms of Austin while Nixon and Kissinger were sending more people to the promised land than any chickenhawk has ever dreamed of, then go home before I start in about the waterfalls, moonshiners, and $30/acre kingdoms in paradise. Oh, it's going to be an interesting spring. Just check back here in a couple of days and see if Part One is on the server yet (I think it will be).

Yikes, I'm out of space
But I can always squeeze in enough text to make the point that the ebook I just wrote about would never have seen the light of day if formatting those words and crunching those pixels weren't so easy on a Mac. There will be those who say that's reason enough to make me use a PC, but I won't pay any more attention to them than I've given to the Quark zealot whose last email to me was headed "Try InDesign Sober."

I could make all this up, you realize, but why bother?

"Grack!"

Senior Applelinks editor and columnist John H. Farr promises to post the 2002 archives and most recent January column links any day now. No, really.


Salon Weblog! Click early and often: Read FarrFeed or wish you had!

The illustrated BUFFALO LIGHTS eBook is now ready! It's all about moving to New Mexico because we were too comfortable and rich. Wait, that didn't come out right.


GRACK! 2001 archives are HERE.
(2002 columns just below) 

Dec. 30: "AirPorts I Have Known"
Dec. 23:
"Shazam, I'm a Publisher"
Dec. 16:
"JPEGs Out the Gazoot"
Dec. 9:
"Lighting Ledoux"
Dec. 2:
"The Amazing Self-Healing AirPort"
Nov. 25:
"When Good Computers Do Bad Things"
Nov. 18:
"Free RAM & the $50 BMW"
Nov. 11:
"Auto-Apocalypse"
Nov. 4: "
Party Like It's 1499"
Oct. 28: "
Splitting Wood & Hard Drives"
Oct. 21: "
Second Time's a Charm"
Oct. 14: "
Wombat Ramble"
Oct. 7: "
Animal Action"
Sept. 30: "
Monday Mood-Shot"
Sept. 23: "
Vacas in the Valle"
Sept. 16: "
Great Ebook Rollout"
Sept. 9: "
Hanging In & Hanging Out"
Sept. 2: "
Bubble, Trouble, Toil, & Livestock"
Aug. 26 "
Digital Video in el Norte"
Aug. 19: "
Vitamins for the Soul"
Aug. 12: "
PowerSuck G12 MP Killumded"
Aug. 5: "
Sublimity of the Mundane"
July 29: "
Sweating It Out"
July 22: "
Keynotes & Kittycats"
July 15: "
Weird Week in Store"
July 8: "
Beauty Treatment"
July 1: "
Quantum Warriors"
June 24: "
Wait, I'm Not Done Yet!"
June 17: "
Magnum Mysterium"
June 10 "
Six Weeks Before the Mast"
June 3: "
Hair, Skin, and Bare Feet"
May 27: "
I Went on a Trip to Mingus"
May 20: "
Creative Procrastination"
May 13: "
It's Ten O'clock!"
May 6: "
Sagebrush Saga"
Apr. 29 "
Universe of Lies"
Apr. 22: "
Earth Day All the Time"
Apr. 15: "
Oh, THOSE Taxes!"
Apr. 8: "
Turn Left at the Llamas"
Apr. 1: "
April Drool"
Mar. 25: "
Tuzas on the Curb"
Mar. 18: "
Holy Ghostbeak"
Mar. 11: "
Lord of the Turkeys"
Mar. 4: "
The Heart of the Matter"
Feb. 25: "
New Stuff: Browsers, Servers, etc."
Feb. 18: "
Mascot Lore & More"
Feb. 11: "
Killer Email & Wiccan PotLuck"
Feb. 4: "
Meanies, Guerillas, & Subscription Copycats"
Jan. 28: "
Full Moon Frenzy, w/ PowerMacs"
Jan. 21: "
iMacs & Webmaster Schadenfreude"
Jan. 14: "
Was It Only a Week Ago?"
Jan. 7: "
Useless Column"
Dec. 31, '01: "
I Want a Refund"

AUDIO CREDIT: embedded 44k file, European Birds -- Sounds and Sonograms.

DESIGN CREDIT: GRACK! byline graphic by Bob Farr.

"GRACK!" is © copyright 2003, John H. Farr, all rights reserved

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