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Valley of Hope
10/20/2003
"On the east side of the summit, I discovered an easy way down, and all at once the focus shifted: at the bottom of this side of the hill was apparently where old refrigerators went to die! What's more, I'd barely started down when I encountered an old car battery. This was almost as mysterious as the conch shell, because batteries are heavy. I could only imagine some sort of backwoods contest with local yahoos seeing who could gun their ATVs up the slope to dump their trash the highest. Odd, that, but it never really broke the spell."

Where The Bears Are
10/13/2003
"The third part is a little more subtle. In the course of putting that scheme together, I came across what now occurs to me is actually Microsoft poop. I wanted to learn more about a writing contest sponsored by the English Department at Southern Illinois University in Carbondale and surfed my way to their Web site. But where was the info? Apparently fearing theft of their submission guidelines, they wanted me to send an SASE to get them. I couldn't even complain, dammit! Believe it or not, it also turns out that the SIU English Department isn't accepting any emails these days because of 'problems with viruses.'"

Money for Nothin', Chicks for Free (Part II)
10/06/2003
"Yes, this is too a computer column. For one thing, while I was on the air, I mentioned Applelinks and what I do all day (besides worry). And when I got home, I checked my email. Not only was there a lovely greeting from a faraway self-described pasta queen, but fan mail from Utah: famous Internet columnist Beth Lock and the Lake District godfather had just heard me on the radio! In fact, the lady was so impressed, she offered to pay $20 for an audio CD of stories I haven't even burned yet. Women are always right, you know, because God loves them more, so I am told. That being the case, I'd better hustle. "

Updates and Saucer-Things (But More of the Latter)
09/29/2003
"A flat of chives and several more of pansies lay wilting in the sun. I saw a single clay saucer on an empty bottom shelf, no good, and the potting soil was gone. I'd been down this road before and knew the score: by the end of the week, there'd be stacks of snow shovels and bags of stuff to throw on icy sidewalks. The garden supplies would reappear, all right (in January, I figured), but I needed something now. Rats! On the way to the cash registers, I passed a life-sized dancing Santa robot in a deserted corner of the store, loudly singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" to the delight of absolutely no one. I swear I am not making this up."

Chaco Wocko (Not This Time)
09/22/2003
"Mystery! Desert isolation! Anasazi ghosts! That's right, I was going to Chaco Culture National Historical Park, or CCNHP in gummintspeak. This would be great. I'd have the TiBook with me, I'd write up a great story, get famous, and live happily ever after. For years I've wanted to go to Chaco. I must have seen every documentary that's ever been made on the subject. I've read books, articles, the works. Now I lived less than 200 miles away and my truck was fully equipped for camping. Oh man."

Take a Load for Free (Naked They Be)
09/15/2003
"But yeah, the Paris Apple fest. Of course I'd go if I were there. Mais oui. Just reading all the funny signs in French would make it worth the visit. I love French. I love THE French. (If I say that again, will Cheney take his clothes off to make me stop?)"

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