EL COMANDANTE RETURNS!

You're probably going to need a little background on this one:

Eight months ago here at Farr Site we were privileged to participate in (and fortunate to survive) an interview with Comandante Karma, a self-described "force for good" who turned out to be anything but -- that is to say, the "mysterious Web entity" turned out to be inspired but dangerously out of control, as the pockmarked walls and damaged equipment at the Farr Site offices will confirm.

Well, guess what? After a long silence, we recently heard from the Comandante again. He was not demanding an interview like last time, just asking for one, and politely at that! Since our earlier encounter had revealed a personality equivalent to the offspring of Don Rickles and a Klingon warrior, we still harbored doubts! On the other hand, our readers deserved to know what the bizarrely aggressive Internet crusader had to say (and the ceiling in the interview room had not yet been replaced), so we agreed.

[Note: this official Farr Site transcript of our second interview with Comandante Karma is somewhat incomplete due to the proverbial "circumstances beyond our control." In fact, we were lucky to have recovered as much of the data as we did. But we will probably never get all the hair out of our PowerMac, and the cat, who saw it all, will never be the same. -- JHF]

[garbled and unintelligible]

COMANDANTE KARMA: ". . .you pernicious sons of jackasses ever get your act together, I'll -- "

FARR SITE: "Comandante, I think it's working again."

CK: "You mean we're on? Que milagro! "

FS: "Comandante, if we could just go back for a minute to what we were talking about before. . ."

CK: "Before you completely lost it, you mean? Sure. Whatever you say. Anything to help you with this pathetic excuse for an interview!"

FS: "Yes, well. . .Comandante, I'm sure our readers would like to know the real purpose of your visit here. What is the most important thing you want to communicate today to our Internet audience?"

CK: "Sure thing, media-breath. Three little words: STUPID WHITE MEN!!!"

FS: "Begging your pardon, Comandante, isn't that a little strong?"

CK: "Hell, I don't think so. When was the last time you met a preacher or professor you could trust? Ain't choo got no brains at all?? I've met smarter people in morgues! And don't look at me like that -- haven't you ever had to identify an interviewer's body?"

FS: "HELP, SECURITY!!"

[curses and scuffling sounds, barking German Shepherd dog, shouts and then silence]

FS: "My God, what did you do to that poor dog? Have you no heart, man??"

CK: "If you try another stunt like that, this interview is over, you understand?"

FS: "And my computer!!!"

CK: "Get a grip, Gertrude! I'm trying to make a point here!"

FS: "Did you see that? Geez. . ."

[sounds of chair being knocked over, running feet, various noises of a personal nature, and a toilet flush]

FS: "Uh, yes, Comandante. . .why exactly do you feel so strongly about 'stupid white men,' if that's what we're talking about?"

CK: "Simple, web-for-brains! Just take a look at this U.S. News article about how Indians were here thousands of years before those professors said they were. It's about time someone set the record straight, even if the magazine only got it half right!"

FS: "You mean, there was someone here before those nomadic hunters crossed the Bering Strait and headed south 12,000 years ago?"

CK: "'Before those nomadic hunters. . .'??? Ai, Chihuahua, you don't have a clue, do you? You've bought the whole myth, that big-game-hunter wet dream baloney about proto-Eskimos hiking into a fresh, untouched continent chock full o' meat on-the-hoof! 'Helloooo, earth to Farr Site!' See, this is just what I'm talking about!"

FS: "You mean. . ."

CK: "You betcha, you pendejo paleface scum! All anybody had to do was go ask an Indian! Native American oral tradition goes back way longer than that. They've been hearing that other crap for years and just shaking their heads. . .my God, man, don't you think they know how long they've been here? 'It's ten o'clock, do you know where your ancestors are?' Gimme a break! 'Stupid white men' is a bleedin' understatement and a half! Man, I feel like I gotta shoot somethin'. . .you particularly partial to that monitor?"

FS: "Please, Comandante, remember our agreement: no weapons this time!"

CK: "Oh, all right, Mr. Jones! Didn't you learn anything from the Sixties? Pass that tequila and let me finish, will ya? The point is, the truth was here all along but nobody believed the Indians! You probably think the first white guys off the boat landed on virgin territory, too, don't you? Yeah, the world's been inhabited for millions of years, but nobody discovered Virginia until just last week! Makes me wanna puke!"

FS: "O.K., I think we get the point. . ."

CK: "Massachusetts, now, that may be different. The last time I looked, you still couldn't pee on Massachusetts interstates. Man, you white guys are weird!"

FS: "Pardon us, Comandante, but from where we sit, you seem to be rather pink yourself. Would you care to comment on that?"

CK: "I'd be happy to, genius-boy! How does Welsh-Irish-French-German grab ya? And what the hell's the point of that, anyway? I'm a 'web entity!' I can speak for anyone, whether they want me to or not!

FS: "And your title, Comandante? Our Internet audience would like to know. . ."

CK: "Si! I'm a 'comandante' because every revolution starts inside your own head and because los hermanos are muy cool. I really dig those lowriders, you know? I shoulda been born anything but pink. Besides, white people are really boring, except when they're whacking your grandparents or each other. That's why they fell for that 'virgin' continent thing, too, so they wouldn't feel guilty, poor genocidal morons!"

FS: "So you think we're all a bunch of boring, biased goons, is that it?"

CK: "Well put, you langweiliger Schweinhund! But what do you mean by 'we'? Presuming to speak for the species again, are we? The whole world? You arrogant pimple! Who do you think you are, Microsoft? Hah! You heard about that new dictionary, didn't you?! They proclaimed English -- their English! -- 'the first global language since Latin.' Tell that to the Chinese. Tell it to East L.A. . . but whatever you do, don't tell the French!"

FS: "I'm afraid we covered that last week. And we have a new policy here at Farr Site now: no gratuitous Microsoft-bashing allowed!"

CK: "I thought I was bashing the French! Anyway, who said anything about 'gratuitous'? Do you even know what that means, Mr. English-As-Global-Language?"

FS: "Comandante, are you saying there's a reason to distrust authority figures in general, or just the white ones?"

CK: "Send 'em all to the guillotine, I don't care! And if we're going to talk about the stock market, speaking of authorities, you'd better send out for stronger medicine than this Sausa! Anway, when was the last time you heard an aborigine tell you the economy was in good shape? Fair is fair."

FS: "Isn't there anyone you trust? Can't you at least leave us with a shred of hope?"

CK: "Well, there's Steve Jobs. He yells at people. I like him a lot."

FS: "And I'm afraid we've just about run out of time. I'd like to thank our guest, Comandante Karma, and -- "

CK: "Wait a minute! I just thought of something. . .you know that bit about white people being boring? I forgot about the Italians! We might have to make an exception for them."

FS: "That's awfully generous of you, Comandante, considering."

CK: "That Steve Jobs. He isn't Italian, is he? Odd. . ."

FS: "I'm sorry, but we really have to wrap this up now! So please --"

CK: "The hell you say -- I'm just getting warmed up! Don't you have any more limes? And where's the Fritos and bean dip? I'm starving here!"

FS: "Our guest today has been the mysterious Comandante Karma! Tune in again next week, when our guests will be --"

CK: "I'll give you a mystery! Wanna know how to make a computer always land on its feet?"

FS: "PUT DOWN THAT CAT!"

John H. Farr also edits the Apple Computer News for Applelinks.com) and welcomes your comments. To share your brilliant observations with the whole wordl, he suggests posting them at the Farr SiteDiscussion Board. His own web site, the ZOO ZONE, lives on seemingly forever, an inspiration to old and young alike, and has the best prices anywhere on solid bronze cat skulls!

Official Farr Site Moron Contest: Wow! Cool!! All you have to do between now and Christmas is count the number of consecutive weeks we use the word "moron" in a Farr Site column! A silly prize will be awarded for the most accurate answer received by 12-15-98. Count carefully!