Part II: "NOBODY HERE BUT US CHICKENS!"

[NOTE: Part I is this week's Warp Core! Learn how to set up your own firewall and a whole lot more. . .]

Now where did I get that?

I couldn't remember where the line came from, other than sometime in my growing up years, but a quick Web search revealed it to be the title of a Louis Jordan R&B hit from the late 1940's (seventeen weeks at number one, no less). It sounds like something a smart-alec hipster fox might yell from inside a chicken coop to put off an idiot farmer, and a snippet of original lyrics ("please point that gun the other way," etc.) tells us that Jordan is singing about womanizing or gambling or both. It's also the sort of response we might elicit from an evil hacker genius poking a digital fnger into our "private" computer system -- that is, if we even knew we'd been violated, and if whoever was intruding felt any need to speak up at all!

Yes, "nobody here but us chickens!" can serve as a symbol of the level of home computer security most of us demand or feel we need. This perception could quickly change, however. My sources tell me that there defnitely are such things as godless anarchist hacker vandals bent on digital destruction, as well as a few actual evil genius-types. Before too long, even low-level cybercrooks may be in on the action. They won't be able to help themselves, you see, because it'll just be too easy to be bad.

I leave my computer turned on all day long. Not every day, necessarily, but most. It only takes a moment or two for the 8600 to wake up from sleep and connect to the Internet, so a dedicated phone line seems pointless. And yet -- if we had a second line, I could leave it connected all day long! My email would always be there, right in front of me, without any waiting. That would be so easy, and the telemarketers could get through again. As it is, I still have to endure the occasional "Don't you ever get OFF THAT THING??" from Net-impaired callers or older female relatives.* (At least the credit card pimps don't complain because the line was busy!) Hundreds of thousands of households already have this kind of persistent "always on" Internet connection, and the numbers are growing all the time.

As soon as I get a chance, then, my computer system will be a prime candidate for its own "24/7" Internet connection. This goes without saying. I wish I had it now. Did I mention "security"? No, of course not. I want the digital world and I want it now!

What is there to be afraid of?

Well, as it is I can't get unsubscribed from a Microsoft mailing list I never signed up for in the first place. That's pretty scary. (And rude!) How did Redmond get my address, and why?

Security means different things to different people, but most of us would love to be "secure." Take my in-laws in Des Moines, two of the nicest people you'd ever hope to meet -- and not enough muscle power and coordination between them to swing a baseball bat effectively in the general direction of a wandering miscreant. No, they wouldn't stand a chance in the face of a real physical threat. How many of us would? But they've done what they can to protect themselves: they bought a shredder! [Tah-dah!]

Call this "proto-digital" security. It doesn't involve actual binary data, but Jack and Fielda are aware that there are computer crooks out there who could take advantage of personal information copied from a receipt carelessly tossed into the trash. They don't own a computer, but to make sure that no one who does can do them harm, they religiously shred the daily junk mail and the contents of their wastebaskets. No clues in their trash.

Bear in mind that the average bandit would need a whole busload of folks like them to make a decent haul. So what elevated their security awareness to this seemingly absurd level? Simple, they wuz robbed! That's right: one evening while they were out, someone broke into their modest home and snatched whatever seemed valuable: old silver, a clock or two, the TV, and a number of other things not missed until later. What upset them was not so much their loss of property but the fact that a stranger had gotten into their things. They had been violated, and the little house in the quiet residential neighborhood would never feel quite the same.

Whoever walzed in through their unlocked door probably hit other houses that day, because my in-laws' keepsakes wouldn't even buy getaway car gas money. And therein lies a clue. . .

Have you ever heard of supermarket checkout scanner scams? This sounds so simple to accomplish, it has probably been going on for a long time -- the bar code scanner was invented 25 years ago, remember. All you need to do is to diddle with the database so that a box of Cheerios costs $3.89 instead of $3.87 or whatever. Most people would never catch the mistake or complain if they did, but if a million boxes of Cheerios are sold and 2 cents is stolen for each one, that's $20,000! If you're clever enough to divert and launder this overcharging, how many times per week or month would you need to do something like this in order to pay for your yacht?

Whether this is just folklore (another "urban myth") or a real threat, the point is the same. If you're a pickpocket and have to pay the rent, would you rather work a street corner or a packed stadium? The numbers are important!

Someone hacking into a corporate network doesn't get us too upset, unless we happen to work there and our day is ruined. But what will happen when hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of home users are affected on a certain Wednesday afternoon? As my colleague John Martellaro says in Part I, "the process of bringing millions of home users onto the Internet without adequate security is going to result in a massive repercussion" that will make us all painfully aware of our vulnerability and change our thinking.

The problem as I see it now is that nobody cares. Well, that's not entirely true: John cares, as does anyone smart enough to understand the danger. A few days ago he sent me an email triumphantly announcing that he had sucessfully disconnected his PowerMac 8500 from the Internet! I had to stare at the message a moment to be sure I understood. Most of the world still trying to achieve online status, after all. (Think of Noah's neighbors' reaction to the news that he had finished the ark: "Uh, that's really groovy, Noah. . .(??) Is it all right if we borrow your camel saddle, since you won't be using it?"

No, what we need is a disaster, a great big freaking catastrophe that no one can ignore! We'll probably get one, too, from reasons that range from the metaphysical to the biological and mundane.

The simple and most obvious reason things will go to hell at some point is revealed in Part I: "The general rule is that when OSes become more capable and more sophisticated, they also become more vulnerable." OS X is a fine example: it will have a Unix core, good for power and stability, but Unix is a longtime hacker playing field -- and the playground bullies can see us coming! Biologically speaking, human beings are just too greedy, selfish, and mischievious to leave certain things alone. Whenever I see our cat sleeping soundly, utterly relaxed and comically arranged, I just have to mess with the little bastard. I can't help it. Likewise, somewhere out there is a smart 17-year-old ready to take down Cleveland with a keystroke -- and you know she's tempted! Finally, when it comes to the basic workings of the universe, we're just plain doomed. It has to do with balance and transformation, you see: yin and yang, ebb and flow, all that good stuff. (Those "s___ happens" bumperstickers reveal a lot more than proletarian stoicism.)

The paradigm shift will occur. Sooner or later enough of us will be robbed, messed up, or otherwise violated and we'll all be thinking seriously about firewalls for our home computer systems. Whether it's a software solution like IPNetRouter for conventional modems or the stand-alone "translucent blue box" option John envisions, we'll want it. In my capacity as Apple News Editor, I see more and more press releases touting various kinds of encryption and security programs, so awareness of the danger is already starting to spread. Without such precautions, all that most of us can do is rap on our hard drives and try to be tough:

"Yo, fox! You in there?? You better watch out, you hear me?"

As I was sitting outside on the front patio the other evening, mulling this over and congratulating myself for being a semi-Luddite (someone who writes checks but only keeps track on paper), I observed what seemed at first to be very peculiar avian behavior: what appeared to be an adult catbird was sneaking from plant to plant in our flower garden! The movement was so quiet and swift, I thought I was hallucinating at first. What on earth?? I knew there was a nest about 6 feet off the ground, deep inside a tall privet hedge next to the patio, so I sat perfectly still, fastened my gaze on the nest zone, and waited. Aha! A catbird emerged from the opposite side of the hedge, dropped immediately down to the ground, and literally sprinted across the sidewalk into the shelter of the hollyhock leaves. I watched him or her move silently from one clump to the next and eventually lost sight of the bird, which couldn't have been more than 10 feet away at the time.

Pretty soon I spied the catbird again. It had just flown into the garden from the other side of the yard with a beakful of bugs and was clinging to a flower stalk. And oh yes, it was watching me! The bird kept cocking its head this way and that, changing its perch on the stalk to check me out more thoroughly. Suddenly it dropped to the ground and disappeared behind the big green leaves. A minute or two later it reappeared at the opposite end of the garden, next to the hedge. In a few seconds the bird ran across the open space of the sidewalk, walked to the far side of the hedge, and jumped inside. I could see it hopping, climbing, fluttering up through the branches to the nest, where it dropped off its insect meal, then repeated the whole process in reverse once again.

Wow, talk about security! That bird had it sussed. I've never seen an animal make such a deliberate effort to hide from me, and all I did was sit, stiff as a statue. It would seem that group consciousness of potential peril from humans is well-developed in Catbird Nation. These guys have their own hollyhock leaf "firewall" for routing and filtering nest traffic! Outrageous. . . (Tell me again which one of us is the "advanced" species.) So what are we waiting for?

"Ain't nobody here but us Mac apps!"

(Uh-huh. Cluck-cluck, man. . .)

John H. Farr is looking forward to hiking in 15% humidity. He also edits the Apple Computer News for Applelinks.com . If you'd like a personal reply, send him an email. The ZOO ZONE is something he hand-coded eons ago, but it's still lots of fun.

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* Nothing the least bit sexist about this remark. Most of the older male relatives are dead!

FOR SALE: a wonderful 1928 house on 2.57 acres. And can you use a nice grand piano? Everything must go! Inquire within. . .

February 09, 2010