WHAT IT IS

"Geez, what is that?!"

"That," it turned out, was instrumental Japanese reggae music. I was sitting here listening to KTAO-FM's world music show when all of sudden something very reggae-like came out of the speakers, only it made my gut tighten up. Oh my Lord.

The long, oozy, skanky beat had been sent to obedience school, analyzed and duplicated with deadly precision that had not a trace of blackness, cannabis, sex, or transcendentalism. And where was Jah? How sad. After three tracks my stomach was a pit of acid. It wasn't the synthesizers but the lack of soul that hurt so much. How could they do this? WHY would they do this?

At this point it would normally be my perceived duty to mangle the muse, get out the hydraulic press, and bend this experience into an analogy about something like, say, the sterility and unMacness of OS X -- but I'm not going down that road any more (yippee!).

There'll be no more trying to make literature out of a pair of pliers, either, and no more commenting on the commentators. I did my best to put the flakier ones in their places, embarrass them, force them to close up shop and go home, but all that did was encourage the clueless! There is of course a great deal of useful and well-informed opinion-writing out there, but a glance at MacSurfer's editorial corral will usually confirm that things have gotten out of hand. Oh well: since I have a new rule ("No free publicity for bozos!"), there's the end of that, anyway.

You see, when I started this column nearly 3 years ago, no one was writing about anything except marketshare and how to organize your files. Not having anything to contribute in that area (who could out-Crabb Don, anyway?), I soon began finding Mac analogies in myth, folklore, astrology, philosophy, popular culture, and everything else. When that ran out I started writing about what I was doing and thinking. I waxed satirical. I pontificated. I ranted. When I finally started writing about what I thought was really important, chaining every theme to the dead weight of a single company and its products became increasingly more onerous and eventually absurd. Besides, I asked, is Apple paying me? Am I making a living? Can I use this material elsewhere? On this last point, consider that Peachpit Press, a relatively hip outfit well-known for publishing all manner of Mac-related books, will not accept material that has already appeared on the Internet! Other publishers do, but most agents would rather pick up a dead skunk with their teeth than handle a "Mac book." And so it goes.

Those of you who have enjoyed reading about my adventures and looking at the pictures can relax, as you will soon be able to do so in other venues like Zoozone News (don't worry, I'll tell you where to find them). Meanwhile, previously posted material should be available shortly in specially-edited electronic and print versions (publish-on-demand). In short, the last 3 years will be cleaned up, repackaged, and put to work every way I can think of, but the new stuff has got to breathe on its own.

Art is art, Apple is a corporation, and my 8600 is a machine. Never fear, however: on this page I will continue to turn out witty compilations of whatever comes to mind regarding these computers and the company that makes them. I have to tell you, though, that such concerns are not my life or preoccupation, and neither should they be yours.

Let me illustrate the danger:

The other day at Applelinks I made great fun of a John Dvorak column wherein he hinted at a "fabulous" new Apple innovation, a thing he called the "goggle computer." This would be a new physical interface where you put on a pair of clear (?) goggles that let you view a computer screen that seems to float in front of your eyes. Why this is better than gazing at a nice, bright laptop screen will have to wait for a Steve Jobs keynote speech introducing the device, because until I experience such a thing, I'm clueless. You never know, of course -- maybe this would be an improvement, change the way we use our computers, bring enlightenment to the masses, all that good stuff. On the other hand, maybe it would make people bump into walls and be awkward for eyeglass wearers as well. And wouldn't it be just like Apple to come up with something "insanely great" that only works for half of the population?

OK, say they finesse this part of the deal. Fine. As someone who's been wearing glasses for a freaking eternity, I'd just like to say that putting anything else between my face and the world is a dumb idea. For me. . . you may think it has promise, like the reader who sent me the following:

"I think this would be quite a good technology if it uses the principal that the goggle is transparent. Thus we would have an image of the screen/desktop "floating" in air. . .I'd have to try it before I'd buy it, but if it looked good, it would be fabulous."

A desktop floating in air? And what if you want to turn and see your lover's face? (Besides, the good ole desktop is gone in OS X, hahaha!) You have to understand: as an eyeglasses wearer, my daily visual interface with the world consists of far too many smudges, scratches, reflections, and distortions of all kinds already. More visual interference? Not on your life! Another reader, however, thought this would be really cool. In fact, he says he tried such a device seven years ago! It was set up so sports fans could view instant replays on video while watching the live action, something completely looney that strikes me as an excellent way to do two things badly at the same time:

"Not so crazy as it sounds (hey, you see these things in every sci-fi/bond/MI movie - so that's a pretty good indication that lots of people with IMAGINATION think they are a great idea)."

I replied in frustration that something we can see in "every" such movie is surely more hackneyed than imaginative! (How about evolving our senses to the point of not requiring such manufactured add-ons in the first place, hmmm?? You're a chip off the Old Block, remember, so think BIG!) And so you see: immersion in a particular belief system (in this case the cult of technology) can blind you to even the meanings of words we use every day. My correspondent went on to say, "So don't sneer about innovation just cuz it seems new/weird to you. That's how windoze users think!"

Aaaghh! The Mac Cult! "Yes, Master. I will not question seven-year-old Holy Innovation." Good grief! I rest my case.

The general level of vitriol in my email inbox is proof enough that some people's lives revolve so utterly around computer gadgets that my sarcasm is personally threatening to them, a fact that saddens me deeply and makes me want to pull the plug on this topic forever. I'm a smart guy and appreciate technology as much as anyone (I LOVE my digital camera, for example), but the world is so much more than the sum of these minutiae. If you think that's just a cliché, go sit in the corner with your private Internet. Look at girlie pictures and flirt in chat rooms without anyone looking over your shoulder. Enjoy your isolation, for what it's worth. I only ask that you stay off the street, don't drive, and whatever you do, please don't vote!

By the way, I'm quite sure Apple will go ahead with this. They may actually come up with a stylish design, too. If so, it will be copied by sunglasses manufacturers everwhere until the pundits declare that consumers are tired of rounded, translucent iGlasses and the stock tanks once more. C'est la vie.

What it is, in other words, is filler masquerading as the real thing. And why live on cardboard vegetables?

Looky here: because of economics and nearby mountains, my wife and I have gone without television for nearly 14 months. Yes, I still miss it in many ways, and no, we aren't freaking saints because we don't watch it. The point is that life has expanded to fill the "void." The other day we discovered a wonderful video store and came home with two movies we've wanted to see for years! That was on Friday. As I write this, it's Monday morning. The films are due back on Wednesday and we haven't watched them yet (I'll bet we don't, either).

See?

John H. Farr also edits the news for Applelinks.com and invites your comments. The Farr Site Archives will take you to the past three years (!!!) of columns. John also writes a monthly op-ed page column called "El Emigrante" for Horse Fly in Taos, NM and has an ongoing project called Zoozone News.

[NOW see what you made me do! :-) I seem to have done exactly what I didn't want to do, hide valuable insights and personal experiences inside an unmarketable Mac column where hardly anyone will see them. Phooey! OK, next week it's back to How to Clean the Cat Hairs Out of Your Keyboard. -- JHF]

To be notified whenever the column is updated, just send a message titled "Subscribe FSN" to this address.