FRITO PIE AND CHROME

"What, a chromed master cylinder?"

I don't know what you did on Saturday, but we went to a local car show. Probably nothing I've done in months or even years has raised my spirits more. I mean, I was pumped! And I have to tell you, boys and girls, that nothing Apple Computer or Steve Jobs has ever done can bring me as much joy as Chuck Berry and a really sharp '57 Fairlane like the one below. It only has one tailpipe and might be running a (sob) 6-cylinder, but still: the yearning...

Oh, they've come close, Apple has. And for my money, the latest iMacs come the closest yet. Those sleek transparent cases in indigo, ruby, sage, and snow are almost as much fun to run your hands over as, well, you'll see (below). Time and time again since the iMac was first introduced, we've heard PC manufacturers either a) tout the stylishness of their new computer lines, or b) attempt to cover up their ignominious failure by proclaiming that the world is tired of the "fad" of cool design.(Hahahahaha!) Ignorant lying bastards. . .

That's right, nobody likes to look at pretty girls or baseball players' butts anymore. We all like bland, generic stuff. We want all our computers to look like hunks of putty and our cars to look like 3-week-old bars of soap. What a load of old SCSI cables. (Somebody open the window, please!) "Hey, but what about the Cube?" Yammer, yammer, yammer. . .

The CUBE, deceptively simple in shape, is a minimalist design, not a plain one, and stunning to boot. A jewel, a gem, something you want to keep free of fingerprints and Post-It notes. The slide-out guts make it either an engineer's wet dream or the first stage in a hideous conspiracy to hide tiny little supercomputers in every nook and cranny of our homes. The bulk of this year's production run has already been bought up by frenzied Germans and Scandanavians, anyway, which ought to tell you something.

Enough of this crap. On to something really neat!

Told ya! Woo-hoo! OK, do you see what's nestled just under the front edge of the rear fender? Hang on, I have a closeup here somewhere. Ah, there it is! (Oh, the music!) When Apple puts lake pipes and a flame job on iMacs, I'll buy a dozen of 'em. I love these people and I love these cars! There's a joyful creativity and pride of ownership that remind me of loveable, crazy Mac users. You Cubistas are excused, for the time being. :-)

I understand that "crystal clear" is the favored modus operandi these days in Apple's design studios. Well, that's fine. But what about chrome? Wow, how about a CHROME IMAC?! There could still be a see-through portion. Hey, if my hermanos can chrome a master cylinder (below), Apple can chrome a frickin' iMac. There's entirely too much restraint in the Mac world these days. Can't get the G4 chips to run faster than 500MHz? Overclock the sumbitches and issue 14-day warranties for new PowerMacs. We've waited much too long for a decent Incendiary Macintosh (remember the burning PowerBook 5300s?). Overclocked G4 Cubes would make dandy firebombs, too, with that cute little pullout handle for the chassis: turn on, pull out, hurl! Never mind flame jobs, we can have actual fire! By God, I think I'm onto something here, or on something. . .

I'd love to show you more pictures (I took over 70 high-rez masterpieces with my Nikon CoolPix 950), but for those you'll have to go to the expanded version of "Frito Pie and Chrome" at Zoozone News, where there's a much heavier emphasis on local culture.

"Yo, what's 'Frito Pie'?"

(Oh, you poor deprived souls. . .)

What's "Frito Pie," indeed (a bowl of regular Fritos corn chips, covered with lots of chopped onions, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and slathered with chile!). We used to get that for lunch at Jefferson Jr. High in Abilene way back before Johnny B. Goode had seen the inside of a hoosegow, and when my wife and I moved to New Mexico I discovered to my astonishment and delight that Frito Pie is a regional staple! (There is a God.) Frito Pie is something that Steve Jobs has probably had at least once in his life, with vegetetarian chile of course (yuck). I think Apple should issue free Frito Pie Gift Certificates with every new Mac (redeemable at the establishment pictured below). I also think that G4 Cube purchasers should be required to sample a minimum of three serviings before taking delivery! With lots of onions, too. (Are you listening, Cupertino?) That's the only way we'll ever get to see a chromed Cube with lake pipes and a flame job.

I don't think those northern Europeans will come up with one on their own!

John H. Farr edits the news for Applelinks.com and invites your comments. The Farr Site Archives will take you to the past two years' worth of columns. John also writes his WebFaust column for MacAddict.com and a monthly op-ed page column called "El Emigrante" for Horse Fly in Taos, NM. And if you liked this week's column, you'll want to look at his latest project, Zoozone News.

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