NEW WORLD, MACWORLD

"Death ray, phooey! It doesn't even faze them." -- anonymous

Well, it's that time of year again. . .

What, you're not going to Macworld Expo? What's the matter with you, afraid of the big city? -- or maybe you acquired a life since the last show. Either way, going or not, I wish you all the best. I'm sitting this one out, myself. Not that I couldn't have gone, mind you, it's just that I'm having too much fun down here in the hideously expensive Land of Enchantment. There's all kinds of stuff to see here, too, like 4th of July parades and Indian pow-wows. For cheap thrills you can always play Dodge the White-Legs (tourists) or Count the Flies -- I never realized there were so many different varieties of each.

"But-but-but, you'll miss out on all that insider gossip and secret stuff!"

Har, that's what you think. I'm better off here manning my souped-up 8600, scanning the Web for cool stories like the latest version of the hackneyed Steve Jobs-To-Be-Head Mouseketeer rumor on the Drudge Report. Besides, I don't need to go to New York City to show I'm hip. Down here, even our cops are on the frickin' Internet! (see below)

Anyway, after seeing the last two keynote addresses in person, I think it's time to watch a nice jerky, intermittent QuickTime webcast of the speech over my low-rent Internet connection (you city boys don't know what you're missing). Also, I'll be able to play my stereo as loud as I want in between the dropouts and the buffering! The otherwise decent music chosen for Jobs' last two appearances was played at Sunday School volume: rockus interruptus...

Yes, I know I've complained about this before, but it's important. My wife can tell me to turn down the volume on the car radio and I will, because I love her and because I have no damn choice. On the other hand, if Apple Computer doesn't know what to do with Buddy Holly, the Beach Boys, or the Grateful Dead, I'm liable to wander off in search of a real party. (Enough of this family-wamily crap, where are the rock and roll computers?!)

For those few thousand of you who'll be watching the show in person before rushing out to the exhibition hall to grab those "free" goodies, I have only one thing to say: file your stories and then run like hell. If you're completely without hope, you might try following the helpful advice of the appropriately-named Insanely Great Mac news staff (they mean well): after spending hours at the Expo hearing about and looking at nothing but Macs, go visit a computer store and volunteer for Demo Days! Aaaghhh!!! I'd expect this of a Microsoftie, but Macintosh enthusiasts ought to know when to quit. Remember, you'll be in New York City! You can do anything there, probably even find a buffalo burger, though I wouldn't recommend that.

You see, hanging around the convention center too long can give you a very warped perspective. You might even come to think that the rest of the world is hanging on every press release, and that would be a mistake. Go forth and see Gotham, ye sons and daughters of the Land Between the Coasts, and when you get home, you'll have something to tell your friends who don't know anything about apocryphal iMacs or how much money Apple made last quarter. I mean, I dig my machine, believe me I do, but that's the last thing I'd bring up if I were introduced to the patriotic mama below. I'd like to think she's a Mac user (dress different!), but who cares if she isn't?!

It's a great show, folks, and our man Steve will have plenty of exciting news to keep you clapping. Just don't mistake the old world of corporate PR and glitzy salesmanship for the next big thing. No matter what the packaging, it's been done. There's a lot going on that is new, earthshaking even, but do you really expect businessmen to give it to you? O.K., enough of that. Most of you reading this are guys, anyway, and we know we never listen to anyone else.You're on your way to Mecca, after all, so you might as well do it up right. Then when you come back you can always say:

"Hey lady -- have you heard about the new Apple mouse?"

John H. Farr edits the news for Applelinks.com and invites your comments. The Farr Site Archives will take you to the past two years' worth of columns. John also writes his WebFaust column for MacAddict.com and a monthly op-ed page column called "El Emigrante" for Horse Fly in Taos, NM. And if you liked this week's column, you'll want to look at his latest project, Zoozone News.

To be notified whenever the column is updated, just send a message titled "Subscribe FSN" to this address.