[Editor's Note: The following material was transcribed from the contents of a grimy, low-bias discount store audio cassette dropped off at Applelinks HQ by an unknown person or persons early Friday morning. We hope the implied kidnapping and possible torturing of our columnist is only a sadistic hoax and that John will show up somewhere, safe and sound, in time to catch that plane to San Francisco. We ask anyone out there with news of his whereabouts or physical condition to contact Applelinks ASAP, and we also caution our readers that what follows may not be suitable for sensitive ears or palates. . .]

[static, hissing, sound of blowing into microphone]

"Goddamn stinking piece o' -- oh wait, it's on now! YO! LISTEN UP, MONGRELS! WE GOT YER BOY!!"

[second voice, thought to be that of missing columnist John H. Farr and hereafter so identified:] "Oh, that's really gonna scare 'em, that is. . ."

[first voice, said by sources to be that of mysterious bio-electrical Web entity Comandante Karma, alleged "force for good in the cosmos":] "Pipe down, you idiot, you're supposed to be a damn basket case!"

JHF: "What does it matter? They won't pay any ransom unless they know I'm alive, remember! And what's with the stupid monaural tape recorder? Why don't you just send out an email, fergodssakes!"

CK: "You don't understand. The whole Internet may be a smoking ruin in the next few hours, and we need something tangible to push under the door. Besides, I'M IN CHARGE HERE, and I want to show them how desperately poor and brutal we are!"

JHF: "Yeah, I think 'Watch out, he's got a 20-year-old tape recorder!' oughta do it! Geez. . ."

CK: "Awright, SHADDUP! We got work to do. Or do you want me to get some more Super Glue?"

[Sound of chair legs scraping on floor, labored breathing, grunts, then:]

JHF: "Owww!"

CK: "Best idea I ever had, strip 'em naked and glue 'em down! Oh hell, now you've knocked the damn towel off! Talk about scary pictures. Man, don't you ever work out?? I think I'm gonna be sick. . ."

JHF: "Oooohhhhh. . .OW! Shit. . ."

CK: "O.K, O.K., we'll get you loose. AFTER I deliver the Manifesto! And quit squirming around like that, or we'll have to start calling you 'Jennifer'!"

JHF: (barely audible) "The towel. . ???."

CK: "In a minute. We're running outa tape here. O.K., here we go: MANIFESTO TIME, MAC-ASSES!! [clearing of throat] WHEREAS, it being the meaningless semi-end of the century, and WHEREAS the people of the planet have taken a perfectly good Internet and SCREWED IT UP, and WHEREAS I can't ride an ordinary hyperlink without running into GARBAGE on the so-called "Mac Web" with all the high school kids and semi-literate day-jobbing hobby writers sucking up the bandwidth. . .wait a minute. . . . [sounds of footsteps, refrigerator door opening and closing, 'pop' of beverage container being opened, loud swallowing noises]. . .WHEREAS this dildo-bait toad-sucking nonsense has got to stop, and WHEREAS this stinking old fart has the right to make at least as good a living as all you girly-man stock-optioned jerk-off doofuses, we have KIDNAPPED his sorry ass and glued it to this dirty wooden chair with chewing gum stuck underneath, where he will STAY until hell freezes over or we get tired of the smell! Oh, or until he gets some REAL MONEY, dammit!

[aside] Heh-heh. That oughta earn me my 50 percent, doncha think?"

JHF: "What?! I said 10 percent, and that was before you glued me down and alienated everyone who ever liked me!"

CK: "'Liked' you?? Get a grip, wimpface! You think anyone actually likes Hiawatha Bray? And what about that guy, you know, Mr. "Mac-I-Don't-Give-A-Damn-Who-He-Is-the-Knife"?? You can't even read his stuff. 'LIKED' you??? You think that's important? I'm wasting my time here. And what's more, I'm gonna add some more to this Manifesto. . ."

JHF: "No, wait! Please!! I take it all back. They don't have to like me. They don't even have to pay me. Just get me out of this chair, will you? I'm getting cold, besides. Comandante??"

CK: [sounds of papers shuffling, furious scribbling] "Wait a minute. . ."

JHF: "Oh no. HELP! ANYBODY!! GET ME OUTA HERE!!!

CK: [clearing his throat] "WHEREAS. . ."

JHF: [whimpering] "Nooooooo. . ."

CK: ". . .we have determined that ENTIRELY TOO MANY of you Mac idiots are working for FREE or nearly so, we are gonna HACK your RACKS and glue ALL you miserable dungmeisters together, bare-naked in a big clump, and make you read MacSurfer over and over and over, all day long. . .hey, I'm getting into this!"

JHF: [indecipherable gurgling noises, possibly: ". . .gibber, freep. . ."]

CK: "And WHEREAS the general state of literacy on the Internet sucks doggy dicks and has no right to exist, we hereby declare a NEW WEB ORDER, whereby (a), any writers or editors using the construction "E-TAILER" will have the words "Previously Cached" painted on their foreheads and old PC monitors glued to their bellies, and (b), any Web sites proclaiming the SUPERIORITY OF ONE RELIGION OVER ANOTHER must be approved by a Higher Authority! AND. . ."

JHF: "Uh, aren't you forgetting something?"

CK: "I was getting to that. . .And (c), anyone advocating a "NEW WEB ORDER" will have old modem cables strung through the holes in his head and be made to write bad articles for free at Mac sites with REALLY SILLY NAMES!! Hah! Now that's a manifesto."

JHF: [shuddering] "O-h-h-h, wow. . .I see you saved the really gruesome stuff for last. Do you think anyone will go for it?"

CK: "Why not? If they don't, I can just threaten to turn you loose!"

JHF: "HEY! This was just supposed to get me a decent raise, and --"

CK: "It's a new century, Jocko! All bets are off. And I'd better get you a new towel -- looks like you're gonna be here for a while. . ." [sounds of receding footsteps, door slamming]

JHF: "WAIT! Comandante!! You're kidding, right? Comandante?? (Hey, the tape's still running!) Listen, whoever hears this, he really didn't mean it, all that nasty stuff. And can you get me out of here? I don't need a raise. Why should guys like me get paid as much as folks who write for real Web sites, anyway? Jesus, it's cold in here. So whaddaya say? Turn me loose?? Tell you what: get me a blanket, put some wheels on this chair, and I'll pay YOU to let me write! How about it?? Or maybe--"

John H. Farr also edits the Apple Computer News for Applelinks.com and invites your comments. The Farr Site Archives have links to all past columns and occasional snippets of biographical info. And just for the heck of it, you really ought to visit the Zoo Zone. . .

To be notified whenever the column is updated, just send a message titled "Subscribe FSN" to this address.

Previous Comandante Karma appearances: Interview: Comandante Karma, El Comandante Returns, Comandante K: Whine Patrol, and In Mysterious Ways.

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May 16, 2012