MERRY CHRISTMAS (I THINK)

Oh no, the curtain is frozen to the window!

We're talking double-pane, insulated glass here, and still the curtain is stuck fast. Hey, this is the Southwest, doggone it. Oh well, it's that time of year again. Mother-in-law has moved to Dubuque, so that's where Christmas will be this year. My mother is safely ensconced in sunny Tucson, where anything under 60 degrees is "cold." My wife's family, however, is burrowed in up in northeast Iowa, where as of Saturday night people were being told to just stay off the roads, period. Here's why:

"This morning (12-17): Decreasing clouds...breezy and very cold. Near steady temperatures around zero. Northwest winds 15 to 25 mph... creating dangerous wind chills from 25 to 40 below zero. This afternoon...partly cloudy. High from 3 to 6 degrees. West wind 10 to 15 mph...creating wind chills from 15 to 25 below zero.

Tonight: Becoming cloudy with snow developing after midnight. Accumulations around 2 inches by morning. Low near 5 below zero early...then temperatures rising to around 5 above. Southeast wind 5 to 10 mph. Chance of snow 80 percent.

Monday: Cloudy with snow likely in the morning...then turning windy and colder. Total snow accumulations 2 to 3 inches likely. Early high around 15...with temperatures falling during the afternoon. Wind becoming northwest 20 to 30 mph during the afternoon...creating areas of blowing snow and wind chills from 15 to 30 below zero. Chance of snow 70 percent.

Monday night: A few flurries possible...otherwise breezy and very cold. Low around 5 below zero.

Tuesday: Dry and colder [my emphasis!]. High 5 to 10."

You get the idea -- and no, that's not much snow, supposedly, except that at those temperatures the high wind whips it into a "ground blizzard" white-out, where you can dimly see the sun shining overhead but have zero visibility on the road. On Saturday (12-16) there was a 40-vehicle crash north of Ames, Iowa on Interstate 35 (still closed all the way to Minnesota). I should be grateful, though, because the winds aren't going to be as strong as anticipated. Last night the forecast was for 50-below-zero wind chills instead of the now-predicted 35 below. Gee, thanks.

The funny thing is, this is the end of the third year of writing these columns, and I'll be ending 2000 the same way I began 1998 (December '97, actually), driving to Iowa at the worst time of year imaginable. The difference is that then we were coming from Maryland and this time we'll be coming from New Mexico (the snow will be blowing across the road from the left, in other words, instead of from the right). We'll be taking the same car, my '91 Nissan 240SX SE. I can't tell you the mileage on this otherwise excellent automobile because the odometer stopped working a long time ago at 165,000 along with the cruise control and the dash lights. The speedo, an unfixable digital, hasn't worked for 5 years, but since I figured out that 3,000 rpm in 5th gear is just over 70 mph, we know how fast we're going, sort of. (This is the kind of thing that freaks out relatives and in-laws, but not to worry: it turns out that the velocity that "feels right" usually is.) And my latest innovation, a small flashlight taped to the steering column, now gives us a peek at the tachometer needle in the dark! Oh, I feel positively pampered.

Too bad computers don't have this capacity for jerry-rigging, or do they? I'm sure some of you have crazed tales of weird work-arounds . [In fact, send' em to me and I'll post a few, might even start a whole new column! -- JHF] But HOW CAN ANYONE THINK OF COMPUTERS AT A TIME LIKE THIS?! I'm heading for La Veta Pass (9,413 ft.) Monday morning with nothing but two new snow tires and a gutful of coffee and tequila to get me over the top and down into Walsenburg (gas and pee). Then it'll be on to eastern Colorado, a place everyone should go at least once to see what empty really means, and a late lunch at the Pastry Hut Café in Limon. (Did you know that famous Internet columnist Beth Lock, my wife's Uncle Roger, and a whole slew of other outstanding human beings have stopped at the Pastry Hut Café? The bathrooms are outside and everybody smokes inside, but don't let that stop you. This the West, sonnyboy, and you have to adapt!)

Be that as it may, I am thinking about computers. I'm thinking about the 9.2 gig Seagate Barracuda hard drive I bought to replace the dead original Macintosh HD in the 8600. There's no time to install it now, and when I get back and dive into the job, my 30-day window of free return will have expired. The drive had better be fine, in other words, although MacGurus would probably understand and be merciful if it wasn't. [By the way, you must visit their Upgrades Forums: very high class, and the advice is free. Do it!] I'm also thinking about the iBook. For some reason I always take off on a trip without transferring some essential file or application, ha-ha. . . and where the hell is my shiny see-through iBook modem cable?! Did I leave it in Utah? Did the rat steal it?? I can use a regular beige plastic phone cord, but it's just not the same! I'm sure you understand.

I have added more magical charms to the Road Rocket (wouldn't you?): a quasi-Buddhist rearview mirror dangle-thingy, a tiny glass skull from Mexico, and a couple of bizarrely-gorgeous small beaded bracelets draped in front of the non-functioning dashboard. For good measure I also rearranged the existing talismen (various Virgen de Guadalupe icons and a couple of scorpions-in-plastic paperweights).

I've saved the best for last, however, and just finished attaching it to the iBook's orange carrying case: a really scary-looking dark brown cross from Kenya, about 5 x 4 inches, made of goat bones! The crosses are handcrafted by Kenyan children, believe it or not: the bones are tied together with scraps of leather, and the whole thing resonates darkly with a Mediterranean, Afro-gothic grief and humility I find quite remarkable (for good measure I tied on a couple of greenish-black magpie feathers, which add a nice voodoo touch, I think).

All this should protect us from just about everything, even Iowa white-outs. It might just allow the AOL 800-number to actually work this time from the Stagecoach Inn in Ogallala, Nebraska, but for that I probably need stronger magic (maybe I should ask James Baker and Jeb Bush: they can make any number work). . . Gotta say my prayers and pack now.

Happy Holidays!

John H. Farr also edits the news for Applelinks.com and invites your comments. The Farr Site Archives will take you to the past three years of columns (!). John also writes a monthly op-ed page column called "El Emigrante" for Horse Fly in Taos, NM and has an nasty project called Zoozone News that he wants you to visit. On the more benevolent side, over 70 New Mexico pictures can be seen at the ZZN Photorama (more than worth a click).

Ye gods, next Monday is Christmas! That means this column will resume on Jan. 1, 2001, the start of my fourth year. . .um. . . Anyway, please check back at Applelinks over the next ten days for Farr Site Updates from on the road, as well as whatever Apple news I'm able to find and upload from Blizzard Central. . . And save yer pennies: the New Year will bring downloadable ($$) PDF versions of specially-edited Farr Site material complete with high-rez images and never-seen-before goodies. Yep!

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