Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

Love, Satan, Apple and Thou

By Kirk Hiner

This is going to be a difficult column for me to write. I'm already a couple days late getting it to my editors, however, so I'll force myself to get it done. I've got no music on to distract me, and I'm expecting no more visitors tonight. I won't even answer the phone...which I rarely do anyway. I don't understand why people think that just because the phone's ringing, they have to answer it. That makes no sense to me. Who knows who's on the other end and what they might have to say. Sometimes I'm just not willing to take that chance.

But it's not my mastery over telephones that is making this piece hard for me to get started, it's the events of the past couple weeks. My brain is all smashed in and pulsating like the mosh pit at a Dead Milkmen concert, and no coherent thoughts are able to find their way out.

"Why?" you ask. Three reasons; MacWorld Expo, Church Camp and the Haunted Bridge.

MacWorld I'll cover in an article that will soon follow this one. It deserves it's own piece, and--if I reacll--in my last column I promised to cover my girlfriend Tieraney's reaction to her iMac. I've never lied to my readers, and I'm not about to start now. I will eventually, of course, but not until I really stand to gain something great from it or can use the lie to crush one of my enemies.

I also won't go into detail about Church Camp. I'm sure that no one out there really wants to hear about the boat trip, The Elms or how a bat stole the glasses from one of my campers. If you do, drop me an email and let me know. I aim to please.

So that leaves me with the just the story of the Haunted Bridge, which I'll get to in a moment. First, the iMac.

As I was driving the computer from work, I kept running over different presentation methods. Should I just carry it in? No, not enough drama. Should I have her cover her eyes? No, she might run into the fridge again. Should I scan a picture of some flowers, make the image her desktop photo, take the computer to her workplace and set up there so that she'd find it in the morning? No, she works in a bank, and I'm not sure how well that story would hold up.

"No, seriously officers. I only broke in so that I could set up this iMac for my girlfriend. Come on, put those guns away, and I wouldn't get out those handcuffs unless you intend to use them.

"Oh, I see that you do."

I got to her house without having made up my mind, so I did what I do best...I made no decision. I just walked in to see how the events would play out. And no sooner had I stepped through the door than she announced, "I have a surprise for you!"

My first thought was, "I hope she got me tangerine," but I quickly remembered that she's a college student and therefore probably didn't buy me a computer. I was right. Instead, she handed me "WWF Wrestling Trivia Game - Volume II." Needless to say, I was quite pleased. I have yet to actually play the game, but any wrestling gift is okay by me...so long as it's not WCW.

After getting a few answers wrong (and feeling oddly happy about it), I suddenly remembered, "Oh yeah, Tieraney, I got something for you as well." We walked out to my car, and she stopped suddenly when she was finally able to make out what it was. Her facial expression was a priceless mix of "I can't believe he did this for me," "I got me an iMac!" and "He'd better not use this as an excuse for not buying me an engagement ring."

But truth be known, I was more excited about this than she was. I'd been waiting to really get into one of these computers since they'd first been launched, and now--almost a year later--I'd finally get my chance. I was so geared up that I almost knocked her over rushing the box into the house. Would it really only take me ten minutes to get her online? Just how annoying is that mouse? Is Nanosaur as cool looking as they say it is? I was giddy with anticipation.

But do you know what? No one else is anymore. How can I as a semi-professional journalist justifiably print an article about the virtues of the iMac when the iBook is obviously the hot item right now? I'd be dating myself, and that wouldn't be good, would it? What can I really say about the iMac that hasn't been said a million times over?

That's the trouble about reviewing Apple products, you see. Unless you're lucky enough to get your hands on a product before its release, you're usually outdated even before you've finished the article. As I see it, there are two reasons for this. The first is that everyone and their Dr. Joyce Brothers wants to write about Apple products. Apple is so scrutinized by the press that they can't release coffee mugs without seeing dozens of reviews on them. There are those waiting in line to tout the product like yes-men working for Michael Eisner, and there are even more anticipating the moment when they can attack it like Johnny Depp ripping through a hotel room. Common folk like me just don't stand a chance.

Of course, Apple doesn't really make it easy on us. With the roll they've been on as of late, they've got "insanely great" products coming out faster than I can type "Sherlock II.". iMacs, iBooks, Quicktime TV, USB, wireless internet...I don't stand a chance! And don't even talk to me about the resurgance in computer games. When I was writing Macintosh reviews for GameWire a couple years ago (don't ask me where they went, for I have no idea), I was hard pressed to get one title a month. Now I'm turning games away and still writing at least one review a week. So much for my social life. Speaking of which...

Yes, Tieraney loves her iMac. She set it up in her living room where she could more easily show it off to her family, and has since gotten scores on Bubble Trouble that boggle the mind. In fact, after seeing Tieraney's, her sister ordered one of her own three days later. It reminds me of a song we used to sing at Church Camp:

It only takes a spark to get a fire going
And soon all those around will warm up to its glowing

It's the same way with the iMac. Their popularity has spread like wildfire, and it shows no signs of stopping. And products such as the iBook are "the fuel mix for the flame," if I can borrow a line from Duran Duran. Perhaps one day I'll get to write a review of the iBook, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Which finally drives us up to the Haunted Bridge. The structure is simply a stone train bridge that runs over a tiny country road. I'm not exactly sure how it came to be haunted, or what the legend actually is. I seem to recall something like if you stop there at midnight (why is it always midnight?) and honk three times (and why always three?), a head appears hanging from the bridge. Whatever. Scarier than that are the abandoned house that sits next to the bridge and all the graffitti that litters the underside of the structure. Most are either vulgarities, satanic symbols or Aerosmith lyrics...which are usually all the same thing, aren't they?

Still, it was under this bridge that Tieraney and I shared our first kiss, and it was under this bridge that I asked her to marry me.

She said yes. And although she claims otherwise, I know it's only because I got her that iMac. You see, the iMac has an odd effect on people. They're not just tools, but gifts. They're personal. All power and functionality aside, the simple addition of color and styling suddenly made them worthy of being carefully selected like a painting or even a decorative candle. When you buy someone an iMac, you're showing that you actually put thought into the gift. But give someone a PC, and you may as well be giving that person a garage door opener.

But I'm not recommending that everyone buy their significant other an iMac or iBook. Step cautiously into that world, or at least make it clear that, should the relationship come to an end, you either get full custody or visitation rights on weekends. No, I'd wait until your own personal trip to the haunted bridge is just a couple of months away.

However, also be careful when asking women under bridges for their hand in marriage. After all, women who live under bridges are usually just trolls, and trolls only want to eat your bones.

Insert joke here.

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August 28, 2008