Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

I Jumped Out of An Airplane

By Kirk Hiner

Luckily, I did this by choice and not because a monster on the wing had torn apart the engine and William Shatner was not there to shoot it.

Everyone asks if I was nervous about the jump, which is the equivalent of asking me if I know that professional wrestling is fake. The only suitable response to such questions, no matter how childish it may sound, is, "Duh." That's the whole point, people. Wrestling is entertaining because it's fake, and skydiving is fun because it makes you nervous.

It'll sound maudlin, I know, but there's something about looking down out the open cargo door of a CASA airplane and seeing nothing but 13,500 feet of air and clouds that makes a man think. I suppose it makes a woman think too, but-being a man-I wouldn't know anything about that. You could ask Tori (a woman who jumped from the plane before me), but a better question for her would be, "Why so many tattoos?"

I've always been impulsive, you see. I've found that if I actually think through a major decision, I inevitably make the wrong one. However, most of my other impulsive decisions didn't have the possible side effect of me smacking into the Earth at 120mph. As I stood on the edge of the ramp with a man strapped closer to my back than I'd ever thought one would be, knowing that in a few seconds I would be free falling faster than Ginger Spice's music career, I thought of all things I'd always wanted to but had never done.

1. I never jumped out of an airplane. Okay, well, scratch that one.
2. I never had a novel published. But hey, John Kennedy Toole didn't get published until after his death, and "A Confederacy of Dunces" went on to win the Pulitzer.
3. I never got killed by Jason in a "Friday the 13th" movie.
4. I never single won the Olympic Gold Medal in pairs figure skating.
5. I never bought my girlfriend an iMac.

Ah, my girlfriend, who, even as I thought this, stood at the drop zone with camera in hand, ready to capture my imminent death for one of those Fox reality shows and a check for $10,000. Her name is Tieraney, and that alone is reason enough to date her. She's also nine years my junior, which either makes her insane or me one-hell-of-a-stud. Before you make judgment, remember that I did just jump out of an airplane...which, if I may say so myself, is quite studdish. I'm all man and a bag of chips.

But for the past year or so, I've been promising to buy her an iMac. Lime. Had to be lime, she said. My original plan was for the computer to replace an engagement ring, but she didn't go for that. I was disappointed at first, but I guess it's better in the long run. Sure, I still have to buy her a ring, but I could at least now get her the iMac without fear of picking out china patterns and honeymoon locations at the same time.

So a couple days after I landed safely and had the first entry in my skydiving log book filled out, I found myself comparison shopping at many different websites. A little over a week after that, the UPS man handed me three boxes from the Apple Store. I'd taken advantage of Apple's "Dads and Grads" promotion, although Tieraney is neither a dad or a grad (from college, I mean; she's not that young).

Now because my work area is fairly small, I set the boxes on a table in the hallway. I suppose I could've taken them to my car, but-truth be known-I wanted to show off my toys...I mean Tyranny's new toys. At first, public reaction was dominated by curiosity. Two people who work for a company that does something with something about which I couldn't care less, were interested because their something somehow involved the iMac in some way. I don't think they'd ever seen one in person before, and they were somewhat relieved that their investments had not been for naught. I talked to them briefly about the computer, and that was that.

But then things got ugly.

One guy who works the support line for a phone card company (I'm not sure of his title, but I do hear him constantly proclaim "I am the supervisor") asked Bruce (my boss) and me, "Whose iMac?"

"I bought it for my girlfriend," I gleamed proudly.

"Well, there's no accounting for taste."

I wasn't sure if he was referring to the computer or to Tieraney, but I was shocked either way. "What's wrong with the iMac?" I asked.

He didn't elaborate, and instead queried, "Have you seen the new translucent PCs?"

"No."

"I saw them at [some PC computer show]. They're really cool."

So wait a minute, I'm thinking. The iMac, because of its design, indicates a lack of taste. Yet computers that "polly" the iMac are really cool? Oh yeah, I get it...it's the lemming thing again. The originator can't be cool, but anything that rips it off can be. This PC mentality runs deeper than I'd feared. I would've been upset by this guy's comments, but I also once overheard him say to the UPS man that he owns a gun because he's been shot at five times.

Insert your own joke there.

A little while after that, another guy from the phone card company stopped over. "Did you guys get some new technology?"

"No, I bought that for my girlfriend."

"I was gonna say...for a second I thought you'd lost it."

"No," Bruce explained. "This is an iMac free company."

Amazed and confused, I asked, "Why all this animosity towards my computer? Did an iMac smash your dog?"

Bruce laughed at this, but I wasn't in such a jocular mood anymore. I realized at that point that maybe I am doomed to continue working on Windows 98, despite six months of suggestions that we'd be better off as a cross-platform company.

So for the rest of the day, I stared at my lava lamp as I tried to figure all of this out. That iMac is just a pup-a Chihuahua in a world of rotweillers-and yet people hate it so. Why? Why focus so much anger on one product? Are they really so threatened by it?

The answer, of course, is yes. What's more, they're justified. As I see it, the iMac is everything that the PC biased have grown to hate about the Macintosh. It's attractive, it's simple to use, it's impossible to upgrade, it's powerful, and...horror of horrors...it's fun. No longer is the computer locked away in Dad's den or hidden in a bedroom with the blinds pulled shut. No sir. Now the computer is right there in the family room, displayed proudly with the photos of Grandma and the Dreamsicles collection. And it's earned this prime spot not only because of its design, but because of its simplicity as well. The MacOS has always been easy, but by using USB connections and incorporating the entire system into one unit, Apple has made the computer easy. No longer do Ma and Pa User have to worry about little Junior touching their computer. Even grade school kids can safely navigate the MacOS, and to the guys who spent their high school and college years mastering DOS and learning their way around the Windows registry...well, that's gotta suck.

Then I didn't feel so bad. If the embodiment of everything I'd grown to hate were sitting on a table in my hallway...a Rod Stewart CD, for example...well, I'd rag on it too.

So I'll let the PC biased make fun of me and my shiny, happy computer. If they want, they can even make fun of Tieraney. She's not above delivering a swift kick to the kidney if necessary. After all, I get neither my security nor my sense of manhood from my computer. I get it from where all well-adjusted men should...our car stereo systems. When I put down the PC, it's out of experience. I'm forced to use Windows 98 every day at work, so I know it's awful. Most anti-Mac comments I hear, on the other hand, stem from the fact that they're colorful and now don't have a floppy drive. Two years ago it was, "Apple's going out of business," and before that it was, "There's no software available for the Mac." Who know, maybe next year it'll be, "My PC's rubber and your Mac is glue..."

Actually, this article has taken somewhat of a bitter bent, and that wasn't my intent. Fact is, I've been listening to anti-Mac propaganda for so long that I've managed to learn to keep my cool when faced with it. In my iMac situation, it was actually quite easy to do. After all, it only mattered to me that Tieraney liked it. I mean, I knew she'd love the gesture...when a guy spends $1,500 on a girl, she tends to be pleased no matter what the gift. But Tieraney had been a Windows user all her life, and her exposure to the Mac had pretty much been limited to Bubble Trouble on my 9600. Would this iMac finally be enough to win her over? Well, you'll just have to wait until next month to find out. In the meantime, why not go buy a copy of "A Confederacy of Dunces?" It's prefacing quote, a line from Jonathan Swift's "Thoughts on Various Subjects, Moral and Diverting," pretty much sums up the way we Mac users usually feel...

"When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him."

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October 06, 2008