Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

Y2 Okay!

Back during my sophomore year of college, I had a roommate I liked to call Willy. Aside from the fact that he was a PC user, had a nasty of habit of throwing out expired venison in the trash can behind my desk, and seemed to enjoy doing "the devil's bidness" with his girlfriend in my bed (thankfully, when I wasn't there), he was a pretty good guy. He was good for a joke, he drove me to Taco Bell, and he imparted to me the following words of wisdom; "I decided long ago that I'd never be frightened of technology."

Despite the cloning of sheep, chemical warfare and N'Sync, I've managed to also adhere to this philosophy. I mean, if you stop and think about what's going on in those caged-off government buildings these days, it'll make you more frightened than Jerry Fallwell in Tele-Tubby Land.

This is why I laugh when people raise their concerns about Y2K. First off, I'm solidly convinced that the only reason this "problem" receives any news coverage at all is because the reporters feel hip using geek terms such as "Y2K." It's easy to say, and it's not a hard concept to understand; Y2K is when all of the computers of the world will mysteriously stop working, and that's bad, right?

Wrong. Remember what Willy taught us.

I'm not here to tell you that Y2K will not be a problem. And Lord knows I have no solutions...well, aside from the Macintosh, of course. But honestly, I want this to be a problem. Why? Because I'm ready for the looting.

See, most people tend to dwell on the negatives of national disasters and tragedies. But where most people see suffering, I see only opportunity. Who cares if the electricity goes off? So you can't watch "Zoe and Cloe and Winky and Clyde." Big deal. What you're forgetting is that if the power is off in your apartment, it's also off in the Nobody Beats the Wiz down the street. No electricity means no alarms, and no alarms means free TVs! Just think how great your shows will look on that 35 inch Sony when the power comes back on.

Case in point, the Los Angeles riots a few years ago. Most people only think of those who were injured or of the unfortunate incidents that led up to the riots. But what about all of those go-getters who ended up with free stereos and toaster ovens? Did these people sit at home and whine and cry about the state of the nation? No. They took those lemons and they made themselves some lemonade. And I can assure you that it tasted sweet.

Inspired by these movers and shakers, I moved to New York City in 1992. It seemed only natural to me that the big Apple was ripe for some major upheaval. Perhaps the Rangers would lose the Stanley Cup Finals at home. Maybe people would finally realize how bad "Rent" really is and become infuriated when told they couldn't get their money back. Or possibly some bicycle messenger would flip off the wrong cabbie on the wrong day. But no. After five years and little more than the bombing of the World Trade Center, I finally gave up and moved back to Ohio.

I may have been premature in my retreat. Having worked all five of my New York years for a major investment firm down in the Wall Street area, I know just how much the people there depend on their PCs. Everything in that building--from the elevators to the trading desk to the bagel toasters--had Intel inside of it. And let me tell you, denying a New Yorker his/her morning bagel is like denying a pit bull food for four days. Compound this with the fact that they'll have horrendous hangovers from their New Year's Eve parties the night before, and you just know there'll be enough violence for you to get that DVD player you've wanted for the past year.

Of course, this is the perfect scenario I'm depicting. It's possible that nothing at all could go wrong, which would be a crying shame. It's also possible that all those nuclear bombs in the former Soviet Union will launch themselves and kill pretty much everyone on the planet. That'd also, of course, be a crying shame. I mean, what's the point in looting a DVD player if there's no one left with whom you can watch "Army of Darkness?" No, if the bombs do fall, my only suggestion is that you grab your girl/boyfriend, get your PowerBook and go the top of the hill. Whenever the destruction of the planet is on hand, it's always best to be at the top of the hill.

Will this happen? I doubt it. But in case it does, I'd like to thank Apple now for their Y2K Superbowl commercial. The more fear that surrounds this issue, the more cool toys that people such as you and me--Macintosh users--will be able to stack in our living rooms.

I just hope my friend Willy is living near a furniture store so that he can nab himself a new bed and stop using mine. Oh, wait. He's a PC user. Sorry about your luck, Willy.

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Friday, 22-Aug-2008 00:09:33 EDT