Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

Flat Stanley Sues Napster

By Kirk Hiner

In mid-May, the rock band Flat Stanley held a press conference at the Super 8 Motel in Stow, Ohio. Because they hadn't actually reserved a conference room and therefore had to get in and out without anyone noticing, the press conference was quite short and sparsely attended. In fact, despite the efforts of the band's publicist, who swears she hung up all the flyers the band made with Print Shop Deluxe, the only magazines represented were Outlaw Fishermen Tattoos and Ammo, The Cross Stitch Monthly, and A Daily Planet, which is not to be confused with The Daily Planet, Perry White's newspaper serving the greater Metropolis area.

For the beneift of those who weren't in attendance, I am reprinting the press conference in its entirety. For although you may not yet have heard of Flat Stanley, the outcome of this case will no doubt affect the way Mac users acquire music in the years to come. And why was I at the press conference? Because I'm Flat Stanley's bass player.

Publicist: Hello, ladies and gentlemen of the press. Thank you for joining us here today. I'm sorry that we had no refreshments to serve, but The Teens Against Pre-Marital Sex are meeting in the adjoining room and they have some pretty nice looking cheese trays, so I'm going to try to sneak over there and grab some stuff once we get rolling. And now, so that we may complete this press conference before we get kicked out, allow me to turn the floor over to Flat Stanley. Thank you.

John Kriens: Greetings and salutations. My name's John Kriens, and I'm guitarist/lead vocalist of Flat Stanley. Thank you all for coming. I'll now have the rest of the band introduce themselves.

Kirk Hiner: Hi there. I'm Kirk Hiner. I play bass and I sing every now and again.

John Droggitis: I'm John Droggitis, and I play keyboards. We used to rehearse in my basement, which had a toilet down there.

JK: We are here today to announce our lawsuit against Napster whom we feel, by allowing its members to store and provide for download MP3s of bands such as Metallica, Dr. Dre and Flat Stanley, are in effect decimating the music industry.

KH: That's not actually correct, John.

JK: Yes it is.

KH: No, you see, to decimate actually means to reduce by one-tenth. Deci...ten. I don't think you mean to say that Napster is reducing the music industry by one-tenth.

JK: ...How do you sleep at night?

KH: Sleep. Yes. Sleeeeeeeeeep.

JK: As I was saying, ever since Napster first began to provide its shameful service to the internet community, we found our desire to record and produce an album dropped significantly. What, after all, would be the point in exerting all that time, effort and money in a product that won't return our investment because one person will buy the album and everyone else will just download it from him?

KH: Take a look at our cover version of OMD's "Enola Gay", which was included on some OMD tribute CD. I can't remember the name because I sent my only copy to a friend in Rhyl, North Wales to get the thing as far away from me as possible. But take a look at that, would you, if you can get to Rhyl? You just know that someone, somewhere has posted that and now we're not going to make any money off of it that I don't think we were making anyway because of Napster and I won't be satisfied until they're run out of business. No, not just run out of business, I want every single Napster employee and user to be chained up in my basement!

JD: My basement has a toilet.

KH: Okay, in John's basement, 'cause he's got a toilet down there, and the last thing I need is a bunch cheap, freeloading, music pirating, law breaking, copyright infringementing morons stinkin' up my basement!

JK: This, in a roundabout, twisted sort of way, is why we're joining Metallica and Dr. Dre in their fight against Napster. Now it's true that we haven't sold as many records as the legendary Metallica and the revolutionary Dr. Dre, but we're coming from a different angle. Because of Napster, their record sales have dropped to the point where I actually saw Lars Ulrich and L. Ron Hubbard of Metallica out behind the local Perkins fighting over chicken scraps. Things have gotten that bad for...

KH: L. is not in Metallica.

JK: He's not?

KH: No. He's dead.

JK: Then why was he fighting Lars for chicken?

KH: Well, L's ghost has probably returned to avenge his honor against those that made the Battlefield Earth movie.

JK: And the dumpster behind Perkins is the place to do that?

KH: Have you seen the movie?

JK: Okay, well, either way, you never saw Lars out at Perkins until Napster. I mean, its not the fact that they haven't released a good album in about ten years and are happily riding the coattails of their one hit to the point that they even stooped so low as to write a sequel. It's not that they've snubbed their fans to the point that they've deserted them for today's more aggressive and innovative, let alone interesting, heavy metal bands. Heck, Metallica will tell you this themselves. Just check out their press conference at CampChaos (kids, get your parents' permission before you dial).

KH: And Dr. Dre. It's not that he ever...ever...who is Dr. Dre?

JK: He's Eminem's dad.

KH: Okay, thanks. Who's Eminem?

JK: He's that white rapper who hates everybody.

KH: So why's his dad suing Napster? I mean, he's a doctor. He doesn't need the money.

JK: And Metallica does? Money's not the issue here.

KH: Then what is?

JK: I don't know. Promotion. I've certainly heard more about Metallica in the past year than I have in the past ten off their material. And it'll only be a matter of weeks before that Farm Club show that Dr. Dre's on goes the route of Happy Hour, so it's not like he's secure in...

KH: Wasn't there a Farm Club back in High School? The Future Farmers Club of America or something like that?

JK: I think so.

KH: When did they get their own show? Junior Achievement doesn't have a show.

JK: John, weren't you in Junior Achievement?

JD: Yeah. We manufactured and sold basement toilets.

JK: Why didn't you get your own show?

JD: Don't know. Oh, I think they filmed NAJAC one year.

KH: Wait, now what's NAJAC? Did they ruin Metallica's career too?

JK: I don't know. I'm completely lost at this point. Now I see why Metallica and Dr. Dre need so much money. It's hard to keep track of things when you're a star.

KH: So why do they need money?

JK: Screw it. I'm leaving. Oh, first, does anyone have any questions?

Outlaw Fishermen Tattoos and Ammo: Yeah, who the #@&* are you guys?

KH: I believe we covered that already.

OFTA: But who the #@&* are you? Metallica kicks %$$, and I think I'm gonna kick yours for wasting my time.

KH: Boy, this is getting ugly. I sure hope our publicist gets back soon with that cheese plate.

JK: Yeah. Never underestimate the soothing power of cheese.

JD: Guys, I need to use the restroom. Where's the basement?

At this point the press conference got somewhat off track as Droggitis was gone for the next half hour trying to find the restroom and Kriens got into a discussion with the lady from The Cross Stitch Monthly about the rug he made his mother back in junior high home economics. The cheese eventually arrived, but so did the motel management so our enjoyment has harried.

The lawsuit against Napster was soon dropped as our lawyer assured us that we didn't have a case and that if we didn't quit calling him he'd sue us. We asked if he'd be willing to defend us were he to sue us, and he hung up, but not before suggesting that if we really wanted to sue Napster we'd have to prove that we did indeed lose money as a result of their service. To do this, we'd have to get our music on other people's hard drives.

So here it is, fellow readers. Help out Flat Stanley by downloading our song "Lost in Pharaoh's Tomb." It's only a demo, and it has me on vocals instead of someone who can sing, but it's okay because we compensated by making the bass really, really loud. Anyway, you don't even really have to listen to it. Just put it on your hard drive and make other people listen to it. Then we can sue Napster and get this whole ugly situation behind us.

Thanks for your support, we'll be seeing you soon. Drive safely.

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Friday, 22-Aug-2008 00:01:59 EDT