Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

The Revolution Will Not Be Computerized
or, Death by Macintosh

By Kirk Hiner

Before too long, I will abandon the Macintosh. This isn't because of anything Apple did, absolutely not. Sure, they tend to pull many a boneheaded PR stunt, but that happens the moment any organization or company grows beyond five people. It's basic math: Each person added to a group increases its potential for idiocy by ten times.

It's also not because I'm being "seduced to the dark side," as it were. I'm forced to use Windows at work every now and again (via Virtual PC, of course), and I really don't hate it as much as I used to. On the other hand, I use it with the same amount of joy I use my dining room chairs. They aren't the most comfortable chairs in which I've ever sat, but they get the job done for the time in which I need them, and they're more comfortable than standing up or just leaning over the stove. Barely.

So, why am I going to abandon the Macintosh? Simple. I'm going to abandon technology.

For the past couple of years, I've been developing a distaste for technology and science. Lately, it seems every new product or invention that's pushed our way is done so not to enhance our lives, but to make us lazier. You've no doubt seen dozens of commercials for dozens of products using a variation of the phrase, "You have a life..." and then going on to explain how their product can make sure you never have to leave the comfort of this life. My favorite is for a cell phone (wouldn't you know it?). There's this family who wants to paint a sign for their son/brother who's playing football. One family member goes to buy paint, another to buy the sign, and another to buy...something else. The wood, maybe, for the handle? Tickets to the game? I can't remember. The thing is, this whole traumatic and time destroying experience is coordinated efficiently because every family member had a cell phone.

I suppose some people will watch this commercial and think, "Hey, maybe I'd like to make a sign. I think I need four or five cell phones." Me? I watched it and thought, "My God, this is one dumbass family." How hard is it to choose paint? How long does it take to paint one friggin' sign, and why can't the family just go do this together? Certainly Lowe's or Home Depot will sell all the materials needed; there was no need to visit three different stores as this family did. And if they really cared about their family member's football game, wouldn't they have bothered to make something up a little sooner? Something that maybe didn't block the view of the people sitting behind them?

The same goes for cars. Keyless entry and remote ignition. Thanks. I'm glad my car payments are financing research into this crap. Okay, okay, so we only started using keys because the technology for keyless entry wasn't around at the time keys were invented. Know what, though? Keys work just fine by me. "But, oh, it's so convenient," cry the masses. "I can have my doors unlocked and the car running before I even leave the house." Well, hey, there's fifteen seconds saved! Now, maybe, you can spend some time with the children.

Am I the only one who never felt inconvenienced by having to put down my groceries and actually unlock the car door with a key? Am I the only one who feels that the little bit of gas I save by not running the car until I'm in it might add up and help make us a little less dependent the oil producing nations? I doubt it, but perhaps I am the only one obsessive enough to worry about it. People sometimes ask how I sleep at night. Soundly, secure in the knowledge that the things that bother me really aren't that important in the long run.

But then there are the bigger scientific issues. Clones, for instance. What's the point, except for man's desire to become God (or at least to attempt to prove we don't need Him anymore). I'd like to think there was some wonderful medical purpose for this (I don't think even the scientists believe their claims about studying human diseases on clones), or maybe the possibility of recreating Freddie Mercury so Queen can put out another album, but no. Apparently, people just want more cats. I was listening to a report on NPR about some useless scientists somewhere who were cloning cats, claiming that people who lose pets will be able to get them right back. Does anyone want this? Don't we already have an overpopulation of cats? Do we need to create fake ones so that more real ones can be put down?

Of course, all of this is hypocritical for me to say since I do take copious advantage of pointless technology. I use the microwave, for instance, instead of cooking up real meals over a fire. I watch TV instead of seeing a play or reading books, and I turn the channel with a remote control. I drive to work instead of ride a horse. Obviously, it's impossible to avoid technology. Or, at least it is for me. My work and most of my hobbies center around my computers, and this is starting to bother me.

It started with writing, of course, as using word processors on the Mac SEs at ONU suddenly made my writing more effecient. I was getting my papers done more quickly, and I was using up a lot less paper. Very handy. Then came the games. It was so much easier to play Manhunter: New York on the IIGS than to try to find a group of guys for a game of football. And finally, once I saw how good I was becoming on the computer, I started looking for jobs based on my newfound abilities. Before too long, I was working in layout/design for a major financial institution, I eventually switched over to electronic prepress, and I'm now production manager for a web design company, all without one official class in graphic design or computer technology.

So, yeah, I blame the Macintosh for being so easy to learn and comfortable to use. I sometimes wonder what I'd be doing right now if I'd never gotten into computing (or stuck with the PC). More importantly, I wonder what I'd do if the computers were suddenly taken from me.

My co-workers and I were talking recently about the rapid advances in science that are seemingly leading us in pointless or dangerous directions. I expressed the opinion of an electrical engineering friend of mine, an opinion I share, that you should never really fear technology. Yes, I think a lot of it is pointless, but I won't fear cloning any sooner than I hopefully wouldn't have feared the idea of running electric lines to people's houses or traveling from New York to Boston by air. It's easy for me to not fear technology, however, because I also believe that...well, perhaps this is just the sci-fi fan in me. Perhaps I've played too many games such as Deus Ex and Fallout 2, but I believe that, before we reach the point where robots are running the Earth and humanity is forced into slavery for the machines, something big will happen. Something will happen that will catapult us back to medieval times.

It sounds absurd, yes, and it's not like I'm stocking up my basement for the coming apocalypse. I had no fear of Y2K, after all, and did nothing more special the following morning than check to make sure my clients' websites were all still functioning. So, I guess this isn't so much a belief of mine as it is a curiosity. An expectation, perhaps. If something like that were to happen, if all the computers and methods of mass communication were to suddenly shut down, what would I do? How would I survive? How would I get into my mini-van? I can't build tables or skin animals or wield a sword. I don't even know how to ride a horse, although I'm sure I could learn pretty quickly. Web design is right out, of course, and I can't imagine there'd be a call for a semi-professional game reviewer in the King's court. An entertainer, perhaps, but I'd have to get much, much better to actually be able to survive doing it.

Yes, I'm a victim of technology. Perhaps the reason I get so disgusted with all these cell phone users at the grocery store--the ones who have to call home because they're too lazy to bother remembering what type of breakfast cereal they were supposed to buy--is because I know I'm just as reliant on other forms of technology. Take my Mac(s) away from me, and I'd be hard pressed to make a living or even keep myself entertained.

I realize this is all of my own doing, of course, and I'm not really that bad off (getting married has helped tremendously). There are people I know who rely on their computer for well nigh everything, never even turning it off. There are also people who use computers only when they have to, seeing them as work tools and not as the "digital hubs" we're told they're supposed to be. Good for you. I hope to get back there soon myself. I mean, Chinese Checkers is fun, right? Taboo? Four square? I don't need Fallout 2. And hey, maybe I should get back into Habitat for Humanity. Certainly that's a more useful, educational way to spend one's free time than surfing the web for news on when the next Collective Soul CD is due for release.

So yeah! Screw the computer! Screw science and screw the Macintosh! I don't need it anymore. I don't need technology to survive and be happy. I'm going to get a job that matters, and I'm going to find better ways to entertain myself...

Well, right after I finish Star Wars Jedi Knight II, I mean. And I've got some Applelinks reviews to finish...oh, and my next novel. I guess I shouldn't just abandon my web clients, either, since I've got some big projects I'm finishing up. Of course, my brother-in-law has been waiting a while for me to retouch that photo of his grandfather, and I'll need to listen to the Seahawks games over the internet on Sundays...

I'm doomed. I'll never be able to get my horseback riding lessons in. Perhaps I could make the time if I get keyless entry for my car.

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