Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

Games We'll (Thankfully) Never See

By Kirk Hiner

Of all the evils on this planet, of all the heinous mutations of human existence, the putrescent puss-pockets that ooze into our lives, there is perhaps no abomination worse than the vile blooper reel.

Well, of course, except for every product of MTV since The State blew it by moving to CBS, but that's not so much relevant to this article.

I blame it on all those Hal Needham movies. As if sitting through any of the Cannonball Run movies wasn't already painful enough, we then had to sit through even more footage, like suffering through the aftershocks of an earthquake that had only moments before destroyed our home, the town orphanage, and the local Steak 'n' Shake (enjoy the shake, avoid the steak). See, it's funny, because Dean Martin was supposed to say "beads," but he said, "bleads." As if that weren't already a riot, Sammy Davis, Jr. caught the mistake and called Dean to task! Oh the joys of acting in a drunken stupor.

This blooper disease spread to the point that Dick Clark was able to a make fairly decent living on the goofy gaffs of actors that no one ever really card about. Watch the cast of We've Got it Maid as they fumble over their lines and stumble over their props! Sadly, no permanent injuries befell either the cast members or the regular citizens of these United States who now saw fit to send in their "blooper reels of life" to television programs that paid them exorbitant amounts of money to show how stupid they are. Of course, if people are getting paid $10,000 just for getting hit in the testicles with a baseball or for filming their cat fall of the television, I guess I can't really call that stupid.

So thank heavens for computer games. To the best of my knowledge, computer game blooper reels don't exist. We don't have to watch Lara Croft slip off a ledge and fall onto a torch, burning her bum to the good-natured guffaws of the production crew. We don't have to watch a group of dwarves in Myth II accidentally chuck explosives into a band of friendly archers.

Oh, wait. I guess we do.

But other than that, computer game bloopers are pretty much confined to the concepts. Sure, we all loved Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri, but do you know what his first idea for the game was? And if you think it's sad that LucasArts brings few of their games to the Mac, how about the games they cancelled for the Mac? My colleague, Bill Stiteler, and I were curious about this, so we did some investigating. We sought our contacts at various computer game companies to see what ideas had been rejected or had gone through production changes to become the games they are today (or will be tomorrow). The list was huge, so we've chosen the best to present here, printed in their original, completely fictitious form as presented to developing companies and publishers:

Sid Meier's Les Miserables

Les Miserables picks up where Civilization and Civilization II, ended with pioneers being sent off to colonize our neighboring system aboard the UNS Unity. However, the Unity hits a time warp and is instead transported back to France in the early 17th century.

Rather than focus on leading entire factions into battles, players will take on the roles of individuals within those factions, confronting not only the looming revolution, but financial concerns, social acceptance, lawlessness, love and singing range as well. Players can assume the roles of the strong and good Jean Valjean, the stern lawman Javert, the beautiful but sickly Fantine, the devoted but doomed Eponine, the evil but lovable Monsieur or Madame Thenardier, and the spunky and precocious Gavroche. We've chosen to ignore the main characters of Cosette and Marius because we feel gamers will find them even more boring and annoying than theater goers have.

Economics will be the main concern, as players start with very little (dependent upon the character chosen). Money can be raised by stealing silver from the local church, selling hair, delivering messages, etc. Once enough money is raised, the player can rise up to positions of prominence and make decisions that could ultimately affect all of France.

Or we could just have the Unity crash land on another planet. It's your call.

Pointless Robot XB-KTo

In our ongoing quest to release for the Macintosh only high quality educational games for children, we submit to LucasArts "Pointless Robot XB-KTo" (pronounced "ex bee kay toe")

We feel that children need to learn at an early age the ultimate unimportance of human life, and robots are the best way to illustrate this point. Every robot is created to serve a specific function, whether that be to build cars, entertain overpaid business executives or translate the binary language of moisture vaporators. Not Pointless Robot XB-KTo. His only purpose is to flail his arms and legs. When in Normal Mode, Pointless Robot XB-KTo stands alert and at attention. But whenever children click the mouse anywhere on his body, Pointless Robot XB-KTo enters Function mode and spreads out his arms and legs. Releasing the button returns Pointless Robot XB-KTo to Normal Mode.

We feel that Pointless Robot XB-KTo could tap into the market currently dominated by Freeverse Software with titles such as SimStapler, games that illustrate the monotony of life and absurdity of dreams. After all, Pointless Robot XB-KTo may dream of one day packaging hot dogs or terminating Sarah Connor, but no. He was created to flail, and flail he must.

Pointless Robot XB-KTo will take full advantage of the latest 3D hardware technology and demand 128MB free RAM to run. An expansion pack, Pointless Robot XB-KTo Teaches Typing for the Mac is also in the works.

Ouija! The Computer Game

With the success of bands such as Marilyn Manson, TV shows such as Dark Angel, and the Oprah Book Club, there's no doubt that the powers of Satan are reaching new heights. Bored with their own lives, people are turning to the "other-wordly" for answers and contentment. We at Hasbro Interactive feel that Ouija! The Computer Game could become quite successful within this demographic.

Ouija! The Computer Game will be based upon the popular Parker Brothers board game that allows people to communicate with the dead and release evil spirits that go on to violently destroy unuspecting but deserving high school and college students. Unlike the board game, however, Ouija! The Computer Game will utilize the internet to provide the answers that the misunderstood users demand. The trouble with the Parker Brothers home version is that, in order for it to work, the users have to be drunk, stoned or insane. Barring the ability to achieve any of these states, users have to rely upon imagination, making the game useless to all but junior high girls at slumber parties.

Ouija! The Computer Game will allow users to connect to the internet where the "spirits" they seek can "answer" their questions. After registering with the service ($9.95 per month), users will have access to the ever-growing number of dead people who have internet access, most of whom also have their own website (usually hosted at GeoCities).

Not only can users contact dead relatives, celebrities, and historical figures (yes, the spirits of Jesus, Abe Lincoln and Jim Morrison will be available), but dead technologies as well. Macintosh users will be especially pleased to note they can call up the spirits of OpenDoc, eMate and QuickDraw GX, among others.

4x4 Evolution

4x4 Evolution will be a racing title in which gamers must turn a tree into a support beam for a house, church, or such.

Racers will grow their tree, then quickly chop it down. The wood must then be cut into workable portions and trucked to a nearby lumberyard. After a price for the wood has been haggled, the logs must be cut into 4x4 beams for sale to the public. The better the cut and refinements, the more likely the 4x4 will be sold at a quicker pace and a more attractive price. The wood will then be used in the construction of some type of building. The first to successfully get his 4x4 placed will receive bonus monies. Once everyone is finished, the total costs of getting the wood placed (subtracting the cost of growing and cutting down the tree from the sale price and ultimate value of the building in which it's used) are added up. The winner is the player who grossed the highest amount from the evolution of his tree into a 4x4 stud.

4x4 Evolution will offer cross-platform multiplay for the Mac, PC, Sega Dreamcast and Lincoln Log Playset.

Myst Tournament

Myst. Just the mention of this classic title sends gamers back to those long nights in front of the computer, exploring strange worlds and solving countless puzzles. It also sends them back to the shooting range, where the CDs from its sequel, Riven, were hurled into the air to be bullet-shattered amidst cheers and raucous laughter (that's why laughably horrible games such as Riven usually ship on multiple CDs...more to shoot).

We feel it's time that gamers are able to combine into the one title the fun of playing Myst and the thrill of shooting Riven; and have thus created Myst Tournament.

Myst Tournament will be a first person mulitplayer shooter based upon the formidable Hypercard Engine. Gamers will be able to experience furious action, stepping either forward or backward, left or right, one block at a time. If another player steps in front of them, they can throw a puzzle at the opponent that he must solve or he will become trapped forever in...something. We're not sure what yet. In keeping with the tradition of the Myst series, we haven't bothered to write an ending.

Different modes of game play will be available. In fast paced Lever Mode, gamers must be the first to flip all the levers on the island. In frantic Book Mode, gamers must be the first to collect all the pages of a book. In chatoic Island Mode, gamers must be the first to get on and off various islands. The winner of each of these modes, will be rewarded with the option to "continue exploring" any of the mystical worlds of Myst Tournament.

Internet game play will be supported, but users must have at least a 2400 baud modem and a 30MHz 68040 processor to participate.

And there you have it. As I mentioned above, there have been countless other ideas pitched to developers and producers that also never came to fruition (including some of my own). But the thing of it is, neither those nor the games listed here come close to equalling the stupidity and ridiculousness of Phantasmagoria and Deer Hunter, which are pretty much the Cannonball Runs of the gaming world. I don't know, perhaps if the monster at the end of Phantasmagoria was Tony Danza's monkey or if instead of deer we were hunting Dom DeLuise and Roger Moore, maybe...no. They would still be awful. If only their developers had played Pointless Robot XB-KTo when they were young.

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