Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

It's A Mac Mac Mac Macworld: 2002
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By Kirk Hiner

Does anyone remember Macworld Expo 2002? Seriously, think hard. It was set to happen from July 16th through July 18th at the Jacob Javitz Center in New York City. That was last week. Did it happen? Did anyone go?

It seems to me that I must have. I think I recall elements of it, but I can't quite put them together. Certainly, I must've gone. What else would explain all these new MacPlay games sitting on my computer desk? How else would that new media badge have come to hang from the light switch?

By all accounts, this was the most...I won't say forgettable, but perhaps subdued Expo I've attended yet. Both in the keynote and on the show floor, it felt more like a family reunion, more like something we all do every year just because we've always done it every year, even if Uncle Adobe and Aunt MacSoft couldn't make it this time around. A few people had some new and exciting things to show off, but, for the most part, it was simply a matter of, ""Hi. How ya been doin'? Here's what happened with us over the past year, and here's what we've got planned..."

If I'd known it was going to feel so much like a reunion, I would've made up some tortellini salad. Great big Expo buffet, all participants please bring a covered dish.

Perhaps this was my fault. The Beatles once sang:

Joan was quizzical. Studied metaphysical
Science in the home.
Late nights all alone with a test tube
Whoa ho ho ho.

Oh, wait. Wrong quote. The Beatles once sang:

And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make

At this year's Expo, I guess maybe I just didn't make a whole lot of love. Of course, it may have been from the lack of passion amongst the participants. Even Steve Jobs seemed pretty low key this year. Last year, when elements of the keynote didn't quite work out right, he tossed them off the stage. This year, he just moved to another computer or on to the next part of the show. Where's the fun in that?

Or, I don't know...maybe it was just me. After all, I wasn't even sure if I'd be getting a media pass until about an hour before the keynote. It's hard to get geared up for an event if it's possible you won't even be attending. But attend, I did, devoting my time mainly this year to the companies on the show floor.

Upon entering, it was readily apparent that fewer companies were in attendance this year. There were large, open "lounges," and bigger chunks in the back area had been roped off. Apple's area was massive, although this may have simply been to accommodate more visitors than to fill up unused space. Their theater area was large enough for screenings of Jason X, let alone OS X, and the rows of iMacs were as long as city blocks. And hey, I realize the time of colored iMacs had pretty much reached its end, but Apple's displays sure were more striking when ruby, sage and indigo were the colors du jour. This year, everything was white...sterile...bland. Were it not for the jaguar print X posters hanging about, there would've been little color at all.

This wasn't the case elsewhere, of course. Although many exhibitors were quite toned down this year, a few still seemed as if they wanted to win Best Float at the Homecoming Parade. Procreate drove an 18-wheel tractor trailer into the Javitz, for cryin' out loud! I didn't go into it, though. I'd been in enough of those little tractor trailer haunted house things at the county fairs to know it's always wise to avoid displays in trucks. MacPlay had a pretty cool army bunker as their display, much better than the ones I used to build around the house with the cushions from my parents' furniture. They were using it to promote Soldier of Fortune II, but the game wasn't cleared for sale by the original publisher. Oh well, it's not as if they didn't have anything else to show off. The MacPlay Value Series gave us nearly a dozen new games, only one of which was Birdie Shoot, so that's pretty good.

Perhaps the best use of color, however, came from Pronto. In my four New York Expos, they came closest to giving us what the E3 attendees like to call "booth babes." By simply dressing up a couple women in gold boots, orange skirts and tops, and orange wigs, they insured there'd always be a crowd of people (more specifically, a crowd of men) gathered around their booth asking, "So, what does Pronto do?" and pretending to listen to the answer. If you ask me, all exhibitors should be required to dress at least one staff member like a character from the TV show Lost In Space.

See, I've been to other conferences in my lifetime. Not a lot, but enough to know what makes them work and what doesn't. Booths aren't enough. You need something to draw the people in. You need celebrities. You need hard-to-find products. You need themes and you need booth babes.

You may even need costume parties, but the concept of a Macintosh themed costume party is both sobering and chilling.

Getting back to the Pronto women, I think "Lost in Space" might not be such a bad theme for next year. It would probably be better than my suggestions for a prom theme my junior year of high school. While the kids who cared were offering ideas such "A Night Under the Sea," "A Night Under the Stars," and "A Night Under Nighttime," or whatever, I was suggesting more timely themes for the 80s..."A Night In Hell" and "Post Nuclear Holocaust." I was going to scatter sophomores around the gymnasium as if dead from the blast and nuclear contamination. I wanted to make them glow, too, but I wasn't able to figure out a way to do that. Not legally, anyway.

Not only were my suggestions not used, but they got me banned from the prom and resulted in a few months of counseling with Mr. Dunlap. Not wanting that to happen again at Macworld, I'm sticking with "Lost In Space." It has nothing to do with the crush I had on Penny growing up. It has nothing to do with the wicked impersonation I do of Dr. Smith.

"We're dewmed. Deeeewwwwwwwmed."

It has everything to do with style. Those orange and purple jump suits they wore were super cool! Or, as the cool people say, "kewl." Get all the women in the Pronto skirts and the guys with their pants tucked into their belts, and that's a Macworld to remember. We can all carry little laser guns around and zap those guys who keep shoving business cards and demo discs in our face. The exhibitors can dress in the tin foil jumpers like John Robinson used to wear, and Steve Jobs can come out inside the Robot! "Warning John Rubinstein! Warning!" I mean, Steve's all right, but let's face it; watching the Robot demo iSync would've been much, much cooler.

Of course, there aren't really a lot of costumes available from Lost In Space, so perhaps an entire 60s/70s sci-fi theme would be better. Logan's Run, for example. Logan's Run would rock! Instead of the gaming arcade, we could just have Arcade, that "...vast crazy-quilt of hallucimills, Re-Live parlors and firegalleries." All of the attendees could get life clocks to wear on their palms; blue for exhibits only, yellow for conferences, red for media, and red/black flashing for...uh...rumor sites? Why not? The Sand Men could hunt them down throughout the Expo, blasting with homers those who chose to run instead of going to Jaguar on Last Day. Reboot! Reboooooooooot!

And I'll tell you what; if even one woman dresses like Jenny Agutter, we can all declare the expo a rousing success.

So, there's my suggestion to make Macworld Expo more entertaining for all. Mind you, these are but a couple of possible themes. Just think of the options in San Francisco, Paris, and Japan! Good Lord, Japan! I'm setting this up tonight. Someone get Michael York on the phone, I'll have my people contact Angela Cartwright. If she's not available, I'm sure one of those Pronto women will happily fill the role.

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