Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

It's A Mac, Mac, Mac, Macworld 2000

By Kirk Hiner

The thing about New York City is that if you're even the tiniest bit a writer, a poet, a musician, or an artist of any type, you can't visit there without wanting to express it. This is why so many TV shows, movies, books and plays are set there. This is why so many songs--even entire albums--are written about New York City.

Now I'm not saying that New York City is by any means better than other cities across the world. To this weary vagabond, Chicago, Toronto and London are more alluring than the city that supposedly never sleeps (which is not true, but that's another article for another publication). But New York is such a barrage on the senses. It constantly pounds at you until you can't help but be awed at its energy and persistance. You leave New York wondering how anyone can be satisfied with anything less.

And this is why New York City is the perfect place to hold a Macworld Expo.

Of course, the analogy ends there. You don't have to be away from New York long before you remember why you moved from there--or didn't move there at all--in the first place. Hearing the symphony of insects and amphibians at night instead of the blaring of car horns and rattling of jackhammers (yes, they do street work at night), smelling the aroma of freshly bloomed flowers instead of the heavy, sticky stench urine...the difference between my former home on 44th between 6th and Broadway in New York and my current home on Mac Drive (yes, I really do live on Mac Drive) in Stow, Ohio is not quite entirely unlike the difference between...oh, say Unreal Tournament and Safecracker. Both have their positives and negatives, it's just a matter of what you're in the mood for most.

Now as the 737 upon which I flew to New York lifted off the runway at Cleveland Hopkins Airport, I was very much in the Unreal Tournament mood. To quell my anticipation, I alternated between reading Neil Gaiman's "Stardust" and counting the number of baseball diamonds and golf courses below my plane. There was also my argument with the flight attendants and co-pilot that yes, reviewing Fly and Falcon 4 does make me qualified to land the plane at Laguardia, but they must've been PC users or something. Isn't that always the way?

I wasn't in the city for more than fifteen minutes before I became the benefactor of a random act of kindness. Having lived in New York for five years, you'd think I'd know by now that "correct change" on a bus means correct change. That's a $1.50 in actual coins, not a dollar bill and two quarters. So as I was about to get off the M60, a woman behind me handed me her MetroCard so that I could board. I was shocked. New Yorkers are supposed to be rude right? They're supposed to flip people off and shout expletives, not share their MetroCards. I was surprised and confused. I didn't know what to do...

So I stole her purse.

Now with additional spending money and more lipstick than I'll need in this lifetime, I arrived at my friends' place where I'd be staying for the week. That's my advice to you, by the way. If you want to visit New York, make a friend or two there first. New Yorkers love to have company to whom they can show off their favorite restaurants and funky picture frames they "found" down in the Village, and it has the added benefit of saving you anywhere from $115 to $250 a night in accomodations. Just make sure that, if they have cats, the litterbox is nowhere near the futon.

The Expo itself, it's quite the thing. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to being a member of the press. I'm still like Mr. Bean boarding the airplane to discover that he's sitting in first class, showing off the badge to everybody as if it mattered to them. Of course, this feeling of importance is greatly diminished when you're enjoying a turkey croissant sandwich in the press room, reading over the notes of your interview with Westlake Interactive (the article is coming soon, Suellen, I promise), when in walks a twelve-year old kid with a media badge around his neck, bragging about how Steve Jobs gave him an exclusive interview about the Cube. Of course, that's not nearly as annoying as that prepress guy who was sure that everyone in the room wanted to hear what he felt about Word 6.0 and Apple's reseller policy in Turkey. Everytime I entered the press room that guy was in their carrying-on about something. Heck, he's probably still there, talking to the cockroaches about their an underappreciated demographic for Apple.

But the real action isn't in the press room, of course, it's on the show floor. Were it not for the complete and total lack of 60-year-old widows with faces tighter than the head of a snare drum and enough jewelry to sink an oil tanker, I would've sworn I was in some Atlantic City casino. With the music pumping from the Audio Pavilion, the voices shrilling over Peavy speakers in the demo booths, and the children clammoring around Blizzard's booth, it became hard to fight the urge to just drop my note pad and find the slot machines. I probably would've too, were it not for that constant voice in my head...

"Franklin. Franklin."

I really hope a couple of you get that one.

When people ask if I enjoyed my years living in New York, I don't hesitate to say, "Yes." I firmly believe that everyone should live at least two years of his/her life there, as it's something that everyone should experience. It's the same with the Macworld Expo; every Mac user should experience it. The sheer magnitude should be incentive enough to make the trip. After seeing the Mac software and hardware relegated to tiny little corners in warehouse sized "superstores," it's encouraging to see the products take up a building as large as the Jacob K. Javits Center. It's even more encouraging to talk with representatives and salespeople who have some inkling as to that about which they're talking. And what's more, they listen to you there. Have a suggestion or a question about a certain product? Just head to the manufacturer's booth. They love to be crowded there.

Unless, of course, you're like that kid who poured all of his G3 troubles out upon poor David Reynolds of XLR8.

"Apple better fix that thing for free or they're gonna lose a customer."

Yeah, take that Apple, ya jerks. My dad can beat up your dad, you know.

But now, of course, my goal is to make it to Macworld San Francisco. With a wedding approaching, a G4 I'm still paying off, and a new Japanese Godzilla movie I'll have to see a dozen times, that most likely won't happen. It's probably for the best, as it won't be until Macworld New York 2001 that I climb my way out from under all the review software and hardware I ended up with this year. I mean, I still haven't even developed the pictures from the Expo, and there are some pretty nice shots in there. A couch made of Macintosh SEs? Put one of those in my living room! If I only I had the money for a digital camera. Maybe next time I really will steal some woman's purse.

Nah. That wouldn't be the Christian thing to do. And do you know what? It wouldn't be the New York thing to do. New York is not a perfect city, sure, it's also not the hell that so many people who have never been there make it out to be. Likewise, the Mac is not a perfect computer, but it's also not the door stop that people who have never used it make it out to be. Visiting New York may not make everyone want to move there, and using the Mac may not win everyone over from the PC, but they'll certainly be better people for having experienced either.

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Thursday, 21-Aug-2008 15:35:29 EDT