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"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

The Day the Mac Stood Still
By Kirk Hiner
October 28, 2001

I will not be buying an iPod. It's not just that I really, really don't need it, but also that I fear it.

Sure, the little thing seems friendly enough, but I question its name. When I think of pods, I'm not thinking about music. No, I'm thinking about body snatchers and a bunch of sticky-webbed cocoons in the basement, cocoons that once were human beings. Why not iCreature, iSilvar or iBlob. They all make just about as much sense. And is it just me, or does the iPod kind of look like Gort? In fact so does pretty much all of Apple's new line-up. That SuperDrive bay on my new QuickSilver, is that really an eye? I keep stealing quick glances over my right shoulder...did the machine just move? I swear I just heard it say this Earth of mine will be reduced to a burned out cinder, or did my say that?

iPod. Well, I think it's great that Apple's branching out, but I'd rather they stick with their digital hub strategy than destruction of human life. Now, I guess I understand the anger of the Mac community over Apple's new "breakthrough" product. Has anyone been reading the Evangelist lately? You'd think Steve Jobs went to everyone's house and kicked their dog. Yes, Apple was severely misguided in calling it a breakthrough product or revolutionary product or whatever they dubbed this one, but at least they haven't yet told us it's main purpose is "to serve man."

At first, I was completely nonplussed by the release of the iPod. It stands pretty much alone in Apple's history as the only product I have absolutely no desire to ever own. If someone where to buy it for me for Christmas, I'd smile politely and say thank you, then try to trade it to my brother for his Pere Ubu box set, and I'm not entirely sure if I even like them yet.

It's not that the iPod is poorly designed or anything, but rather that I just don't get it. Perhaps its my lifestyle. The only time I listen to music is when I'm in the car, at home or at work. In all three locations, I've got myself a CD player ready to go. If not, there's always NPR. Can the iPod pull in NPR or WONE or whatever radio station is currently running an all 80s weekend...something radio stations didn't even do in the 80s? No. It can only broadcast instructions from the mothership.

When do people need an MP3 player? I'm not saying there's never a time for it, just that I can't think of one. The library, perhaps, when studying? I used to play a lot of Wagner or Holst when cramming for a Psych final, so I guess I could've used one then. As it were, I just sat in my dorm room and studied there. Some people have claimed that MP3 players are great for jogging, but I'm not so sure. Running around at night with $400 worth of technology strapped to my waste doesn't sound like such a hot idea. At least the mugger will either have to get a Mac or grow to like my music collection.

"Damn, what's with all the Japanese music on this thing?! Remind me next time to not mug someone in a Shonen Knife tour shirt."

Now, perhaps if Apple hadn't stopped at MP3s. Perhaps if the iPod could just as easily download digital images and movies, and plug into DVD players or TVs for easy broadcast. That may have been more useful. My iMovie videos are all too large to put online, and not everyone has Zip disks. Sure, I can dump them to tape or DVD, but it'd be helpful to have the speed and convenience of iPod.

I've also heard some reporters claim that iPod will make a great stocking stuffer for Christmas. I don't know about the rest of you, but the total contents of my stocking never really rose above $10. Some candy, a couple of nuts, an orange, and a Christmas ornament. Lately, I've also been getting an instant win lottery ticket, not $400 worth of alien technology bent on destroying the Earth...I mean an MP3 player. In fact, I never saw $400 in total presents in any given year. Does Steve Jobs think we all have our own private jets? $400 stocking stuffer...the goose is getting fat!

I don't know, perhaps I'm just coming up with all this because, even if I did want a brain-sucking iPod, I couldn't justify it. I was happy this month to put myself back in debt to acquire my 867MHz G4, but that's because it's useful. I make money off my computer. I get my work done. The iPod, on the other hand, would be as useful to me as a tIg welder.

So why would Apple think we'd want such a device? They don't. They'll brainwash us into thinking we need it. This is why I fear the iPod. Isn't the name chilling? I picture a bunch of blonde, blue-eyed children carrying them through the streets of the village. I picture them ripping forth from the stomach of scientists stranded in the Antarctic. I picture fleets of them spiralling over the skies of Washington D.C., poised for attack.

People are looking towards Bill Gates and the release of The Man from Planet XP as the first assault on our human freedoms, but I'm not sure. I'm by no means a conspiracy theorist, but we have to look far beyond that. Windows XP, iPod, P4, these are all products of a civilization far beyond our world and our comprehension. Steve Jobs, Bill Gates and such are all puppets of the aliens, forced to carry out their whims by means of some sort of evil mind ray! There's something in that MP3 encoding, something wrong, that'll soon turn the citizens of our planet into automatonic slaves. Those like me, those who choose to fight and not buy the iPod, will undoubtedly end up instead with iChips implanted into our head by Steve Ballmer, now serving as Handicapper General at Microsoft. Think different and a car wreck will happen in your head. "Gee--I could tell that one was a doozy."

And yet, what we really need is a Buck Rogers, a Flash Gordon or a Professor John Robinson. Sure, I can rebel, and I know how my way around a Nerf Dart Gun, but I'm not equipped to lead the charge to save the planet. I'm merely a solider, awaiting my orders. However, I do know the words. iPod be damned, I know the words, and will tell them to Gort.

Klaatu barada nikto.

So, my friends, your choice is simple. Join us and live in peace, or pursue the iPod and face obliteration. We shall be waiting for your answer. The decision rests with you.

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