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Dreaming of A Mac Gaming Christmas
By Kirk Hiner
December 2, 2001

So there were a bunch of puppets on TV last night, and there's a box full of Christmas tree in my living room waiting to be assembled (once I have a real house, I'll get a real tree), and that can only mean one thing; it's time for my yearly Christmas column.

There's a song by Queen called "Thank God It's Christmas," and this year especially I can share that sentiment. The peace and hope that accompanies this time of year for many people throughout the world will be a welcome respite from recent events. Yet despite everything going on around us, I still can't help but wish for the more superficial items in life; a kayak, another Evil Dead movie, some pudding, the usual. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. After all, George Bush requested we Americans go on living life as we did before. Inf act, wanting to set a good example for America, George Bush's daughter immediately went back to getting drunk and crashing her father's car.

Sometimes, I think I'm Bill Maher.

Anyway, in the realm of the Absurd Notion, Christmas is a time to wish for some new computer games. There was no shortage of great games released for the Macintosh this year, and there are some even better ones just ahead (the Moofie Awards committee has their work cut out for them this year). It's the American way, however, to always want more, so here we go.

American McGee's Bridget

If it's the American way, we may as well start with American McGee. This is the guy who took the edgy, twisted fairy tale story of Alice in Wonderland and turned it into the edgy, twisted computer game American McGee's Alice. There have been rumors afloat that his next venture will turn the edgy, bizarre The Wonderful Wizard of Oz into the edgy, bizarre Dorothy. That's as may be, but we at Applelinks have an even better idea for him...American McGee's Bridget!

Based upon the wildly popular Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding, American McGee's edgy, plucky American McGee's Bridget places the gamer in the role of edgy, plucky Bridget Jones. Armed only with a pack of cigarettes, high calorie snack cakes and that fierce "woman of the 90s" wit, gamers must help Bridget survive a merciless onslaught of sexist employers, bottles of Chardonnay, and zombie relatives on her way to finding inner peace and poise. Will this come in the form of the perfect man, independence, career success or a combination of the three? That's up to you.

Along the way, gamers will have to keep Bridget's anxiety levels low by visiting friends, drinking liquor and smoking cigarettes. Be careful, though. Too much of any of these and Bridget will become dependent and the game will end.

True to American McGee's legacy, the surrealistic visuals will capture the imaginations of the young, modern, independent gamers of the 90s. Bridget's kitchen and bedroom, publishing parties, family holiday gatherings and more will set the stage for some of the most edgy, plucky levels in gaming history.

RenŽe Zellweger has been tapped to reprise her role as Bridget, but Daniel Cleaver (actual character's last name, not an edgy update from American McGee) will here by played by the always available Brad Dourif instead of the always affable Hugh Grant.

Myth IV: The Golf Age

Hot off the upcoming release of Myth III: The Wolf Age, Mumbo Jumbo will begin development of the next chapter, Myth IV: The Golf Age.

"It occurred to us that the levels of Myth are really nothing more than big golf courses," said some guy who promised us he really and truly does work for Mumbo Jumbo but who made us swear on our grandmothers' grave that he remain anonymous. "I don't care what version of the game you're playing or what level you're on, all the outdoor levels are just golf courses with no sand traps."

In the Golf Age, gamers will command an army of middle-management slackers and fraternity drunkards in an attempt to save the land from the evil Soulputter. Gamers will be armed with explosive golf balls, tee mines and iron archers in their quest to fend off Soulputter's relentless army of Caddavies and Ghôl Pros.

Throughout the course of the game, players will defend and conquer some of the most famous golf courses of the Wolf Age, including St. Bre'Unor (the Old Course), Brigand Beach, and the newly renovated Balor Club at Plain of Scales. Gamers will have to make important decisions such as which golfers to use on different missions, choosing between the finesse and dedication of the upper-middle class business executives or the passion and unruliness of the younger fraternity drunkards (and you thought the dwarves were dumb). In the boxed versions, weapons will include driver mortars, iron bows, ball bombs and wedge spells.

Although Myth IV: The Golf Age will not be developed by Bungie, they have sanctioned the creation of this next chapter in the series originated by them. A representative of Bungie praised the game, saying, "Halo is coming out of the Mac. We promise. No, really. Why would we lie to you? It's so funny you'd think we'd lie to you. Did it sound like we were lying? I don't know what we...I'm sorry, what game are we talking about?"

Age of Empires III: The Mac Game Web Edition

This is one for which we've been wishing for quite some time. With the resurgence of Macintosh gaming came the inevitable resurgence of Mac gaming websites. Constantly competing for breaking news, these sites have been amicably duking it out for a couple years now. Age of Empires III takes this struggle from your computer screen and places right on your computer screen!

You'll start the game as one geeky high school kid sitting alone in his bedroom on a Saturday night, teaching himself Adobe PageMill. You must create a website, play a couple games, write reviews and put them online. As you complete reviews, you'll generate readers who can then be turned into reporters to gather Mac gaming news. Along the way, you'll have to gather resources (web advertising and yard work for you parents) to finance higher bandwidth and more reporters. Setting up relationships with publishers is also very important, as the free games they provide will open funds for better computer equipment. Eventually, you'll be able to branch out from your bedroom and into an office, and even explore publisher offices, gaming conventions and the ultimate goal...Macworld Expo.

Age of Empires III will allow gamers to control actual Mac gaming websites. They can control Inside Mac Games (the ability to make news out of nothing), MacGamer (the ability to make news out of " Ten new [insert PC game here] screen captures!"), Applelinks (the ability to make news from everyone else's news from yesterday), MacGamez (reviews that don't startle and confuse the legion of thirteen-year-old gamers) and, of course, Utterer.com (maybe not so much news, but plenty of attitude to compensate). Of course, you can also create your own website, but the fact that advertising dollars are so low and that all the really good dot.com names have been taken, chances of success are nil.

Well, I guess that's enough to wish for this year. I don't want to seem too greedy, after all. That, and these wishes never really pan out for me. Seems that game developers are still more concerned about making money than about appeasing us at Applelinks. But hey, like I said, it's Christmastime, so I can always instead pass the time watching puppet shows on the TV channel. Hey, how's that for a game? Rudolph vs. Frosty: Gold Edition. How about it, MacPlay, you up for it?

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