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The Macintosh is Killing Your Children
By Kirk Hiner
December 30, 2001

Candles are flammable. I understand this. It's kind of the whole point, after all, to take the candle and induce flame. They're also fairly simple to figure out, I would have thought. Light match, place lit match to wick, place lit candle in holder, enjoy light and scent. Simple, right?

No. Or at least, we're not to see that as simple. Take, for instance, Christmas Eve. One of my favorite elements of Christmas Eve has always been the candlelight Communion service at First United Methodist in my hometown of Ashland, Ohio. After Communion, the congregation is given candles which we light and hold up as we sing the gentler Christmas carols to an otherwise darkened church. "Silent Night" and "Oh, Holy Night" go great with such a service. "Frosty the Snowman" and "Up On the Rooftop"...not so much.

This year being my first as a married Man, my wife and I opted to stay in Stow, Ohio for Christmas Eve. The church we attended promised a candlelight service, a nice touch of home for us, right? Sure, if home had been invaded by nuclear contaminated aliens with their Kill-O-Zap ray guns. Seems that, due to some ludicrous city ordinance, churches in Stow can't use real candles for candlelight services. Instead we were given creepy, electronic candles that cast an ugly green pallor across of the faces of all in attendance. They didn't light up the room, they didn't add to the peace and magic of the evening, they made everyone look as if they'd eaten bad fish and were half a stanza away from puking all over their Christmas sweaters.

So, why no candles? Simple. We're stupid. Every citizen of Stow is stupid, and we don't know how to handle tiny little candles for five to ten minutes. And apparently, this stupidity is rampant throughout America. Much to the consternation of the Stow fire chief, my wife received a few candles as Christmas gifts. I half expected to wind up in jail, or at least be ostracized from the community, but my salvation came in the form of a small piece of paper included with one of the candles. It read, in bold, all-capped letters:

That's right, a warning and instructions sheet for a candle. A candle! And get this; there are no less than sixteen warnings and instructions included, along with two more Special Safety Tips and further disclaimers on how failure to follow said warnings and instructions may cause damage to property or personal injury.

Well, thank you. I'm a complete idiot, after all, and would've certainly destroyed three quarters of my town were it not for rule number seven: Do not snuff or ingest wax. I'm a menace to society, after all. I'm like a cow in Chicago, a baker in London. Beware my ignorance of the danger of flame.

So, I've turned all fire related chores over to my stupid wife, Tieraney. If all of us in Stow, and indeed the United States, are this dumb, I at least better let the damage be caused by a woman, upon whom the courts are traditionally more lenient. I will stick with computing, where there can certainly be no damage inflicted...can there?

A quick search through my G4 manual revealed only seven warnings and instructions, most of which centered around unplugging the computer if things go horribly awry, and making sure there's nothing on top the CPU or monitor. Thank Heavens, I have an LCD monitor; I couldn't place atop it a cup of coffee, a loaded gun, or a Petri dish filled with some rare and exotic disease no matter how stupid how I am, so I'll continue to keep them someplace safer. Under my pillow, perhaps.

I can only assume that Apple's oversight is due to their inaccurate assumption that people are smart. Going against our government, most lawmakers, and school boards across the country, Apple seems content to leave safety up to our common sense. This will not do, Apple! We need our hands to be held! We need you to be our mother, standing behind us to shout out, "Don't touch that, you'll break it!" and "Get down from there, you'll hurt yourself!"

To this end, I've come up with a few more warnings and instructions to be included with the next line of Apple products. These can be placed in the manual, but I also recommend stamping them right there on the box. They can use simple illustrations like that one of the kid getting smashed that you see on all the pop machines, warning us not to tip them. The fewer words, the better, after all. We're stupid. And hey, Apple should probably put them in their commercials like those "Professional driver on a closed course" warnings and instructions we see on the car commercials where families are driving their SUVs up the sides of mountains. Actually, I guess a more accurate disclaimer for those commercials would be, "Professional 3D artist on a closed CGI system," but that's not important right now. What's important is this:

• Remove all flammable, explosive, and combustible materials from house before placing order for new computer
• When accepting delivery from courier, have police officer present to insure safety from courier
• Have FBI agent present to insure safety from police officer
• Have flammable, explosive, and combustible materials present to insure safety from FBI agent
• When lifting new computer, always lift with forklift or neighbor, not back
• When plugging in new computer, disconnect every other electrical device in house
• Have wife ready at circuit breaker, and neighbor ready with two by four to smack away hands in case of electrocution
• Once system set-up has been approved by fire chief and city council, turn on computer from behind protective lead wall
• If computer turns on successfully, one by one, turn on other devices in house
• While computer is on, never punch monitor, throw beer into computer, juggle flaming tennis balls, reenact the battle of Gettysburg, or use Silly String
• When using Aqua interface, be sure to set up "Slippery Floor" warning panels in computer room
• Do not use computer fan to cool off on a hot summer's day
• For educational facilities only: Absolutely no homecoming bonfires in computer lab
• To prevent repetitive stress injuries, rest fifteen minutes between keystrokes and mouse clicks
• Because body english is important to gaming, always pad walls and other nearby objects when playing
• iBooks are no longer bulletproof, please bear this in mind

What is that, fifteen? Sixteen? I guess that'll suffice for now. It'll have to, actually, since I'm now closely adhering to warning and instruction number fourteen, and to write any more could push this article back a few months.

Now I feel I've done my part. Hopefully computing will be a safer and more stress-free activity for the rest of you idiots out there. I know my simple brain feels better. And now, if you'll excuse, I'm off to start my very own Safety Town for Common Sense Challenged Adults, but first I've got to clean up the uranium I spilled all over the rusty nails I have in the bathtub to hold my radio in place. I would've cleaned it up sooner, but I can't seem to get past the cobras living behind the toilet. I knew it was a bad idea to by them and train them to kill.

So, to all my fellow morons out there in happyland, here's wishing you a safe and sanitized 2002.

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