Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

Live Nude Macintosh!

By Kirk Hiner

"We'd gone in search of the American Dream. It had been a lame f*** around. A waste of time."

Hunter S. Thompson uses these words at the close of his book Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Or at least I think he does. I know that Johnny Depp uses them at the end of the film version, so I'll trust the adaptation with a promise to read the novel before year's end. No matter what the source, I found myself thinking the same thing as I looked out the airplane's window to see Las Vegas shrinking away from me before finally sinking beneath a wave of clouds.

The parallels between my first trip to Las Vegas and the adventures of Raoul Duke pretty much end there, however, for although my travelling companion, like Dr. Gonzo, is an attorney, he never once on the trip advised me to take a hit out of the little brown bottle in his shaving kit. Also, I wasn't visiting Vegas in a journalistic capacity, but simply as the friend of a guy who won a trip to the ESPY Awards.

I won't go into detail on the show, except to relate my disappointment upon realizing I wasn't going to meet Jackie Chan because real celebrities don't attend the pre- and post-show parties. They have their own private parties to attend, and the corporate sponsored events are simply for the fifty-year-old suits, their twenty-year-old "girlfriends," and guys who win trips on game shows.

Oh, and Derek Jeter, I guess, who tends to look confused when you tell him you loved him in The Fisher King.

Honestly, I wasn't even really looking forward to the ESPYs. I'm completely unimpressed with celebrities, especially athletes. So they play with balls better than I can. Big deal. I was more interested in the buffet table, which was sadly devoid of stuffed mushrooms. I tell you, stuff a mushroom with anything and I'll be eating it.

So, when the ESPYs turned out to be a waste, I wasn't disappointed. But when Vegas itself turned out the same, I was surprised. I'll qualify that with the admission that I'm not the target audience for Las Vegas. It's obviously a very popular vacation spot, and everyone around me seemed to be having a great time. But me, I just kept looking beyond the garish lights and sounds to the mountains beyond, wondering how I could get up there. But with no car and on ESPN's schedule, I was doomed instead to what Vegas had to offer, which is pretty much nothing more than magicians and boobs. Oh, and Juice Newton. Vegas, apparently, is where celebrities go to die; on one night I had my choice of seeing Juice Newton, Rick Springfield, Eddie Money and Peter Frampton. I passed. For me, it's Tom Jones or it's nothing at all.

To me, Vegas is fake. It's hollow. It's a Cadbury Cream Egg with nothing inside the chocolate shell. The most interesting aspect of the town--the mafia--is completely hidden under pyramids, roller coasters and thousands upon thousands of slot machines. Can't visit New York? Go to Vegas! Can't defend a medieval castle? Go to Vegas! Can't live in a giant Risk playing piece made of gold? Go to Vegas!

But here's the thing...I don't hate Vegas. When people bring it up, I don't bombast the city as some evil hell-hole that represents the decline and fall of western civilization. It's just a tourist town. It's Disneyland with fewer mice and more strippers. It obviously appeals to a great number of people, and I don't believe that any of these people are wrong for liking it...

Just like I don't believe people are wrong for liking the new iMacs.

My first reaction upon seeing the Flower Power iMac at Apple's website was, "There's a computer I'll never own." My second was to run through a list of everyone I knew who would want one. I then started to imagine what the second wave would look like should these designs sell. What other designs are waiting in the wings. What designs actually got beat out by Dalmatian?

But then came the predictable reactions of the macho Mac press. Many reports claimed nothing less than blasphemy, and once again I found myself reading of Apple's doom from those who should know better by now.

This intrigued me. What is it about a computer design that causes so many "professionals" to respond so immaturely? I mean, it's not like the new iMacs insult our mother and kick our dog, right? Are not the Graphite and Indigo models still available? Can Apple not release a model or two that might appeal to an entirely different demographic?

Indeed, one of my own colleagues at Applelinks claimed that the fact that Flower Power or Dalmatian will sell at all indicates that "...nobody ever went broke betting on the bad taste of the American public." Excuse me, but both my mother and my fiancee love the new computers, and I don't consider either of them idiots to culture. Upon seeing Flower Power, the first words out of Tieraney's mouth were quite simply, "I want one." I can't imagine she's the only one who responded this way, and I know she doesn't have bad taste for doing so (at least I hope not...she did agree to marry me).

I've also read countless reviews and newsgroup postings from Mac users lamenting the loss of the Sage and Snow models. I don't understand this, either. If they love them so much, I assume they bought one, so why complain about their removal from the lineup. And if they didn't buy one, that can't really be blamed on Apple, can it? The CompUSA near my office still has many Sage and a few Snow models sitting on the floor. I'd be happy to give out the address to anyone interested.

And of course, if one derives his sense of security and masculinity from his computer, why is he getting an iMac in the first place? Sure, it's a great value, but since when has machismos been about value? If muscle and a computer that can be proudly displayed to the guys on poker night is the goal, leave the iMacs alone and pick up a G4. Or maybe that's why some hate the designs so much; they're clothed. No longer are these iMacs nude, slinking across the stage or your lap in an effort to make a few hundred bucks. Certainly Apple would have caused less of an uproar amongst this crowd if one the patterns was Catholic School Uniform Plaid.

I don't know. Perhaps I'm less critical of Apple because my expectations are no higher of them than of Amgen, American Standard, or any other corporation. Apple has released dozens of products I've loved, and they've released dozens I've easily done without, but nothing they have released or ever will release would cause me lash out against them and those who might like it. As I mentioned earlier, I have no strong desire to own either of the new iMacs, but if Tieraney should want one after we're married, you won't see me stopping her any sooner than you'll see me telling her we can't go to Vegas just because it's not my thing.

Or perhaps it's because of the perpetual excitement of what lies ahead; because no matter what Apple gives us at the expos, I know there's always something else just waiting for its turn to be announced in a few months. Moreso than any company that comes to mind, Apple continues to push consumers in new directions, gaining and losing fans, colors and technologies along the way. It's difficult to be disappointed for too long when one's a Macintosh user, no matter how hard one tries.

And so, as I look beyond the new iMacs to Macworld Expo New York 2001, I find myself continuing that final line from Terry Gilliam's version of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas; "There was no point in looking back. F*** no, not today, thank you kindly. My heart was filled with joy. I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger; a man on the move, and just sick enough to be totally confident."

.