Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

Justify My Love

By Kirk Hiner

"A pretty face don't make no pretty heart
I learned that, buddy, from the start"

So sang the single most underrated songwriter of our time. And do you know what? Truer words may have ne'er been spoken. One need only think back to high school and recall a crush or two to see the truthful poetry of these words.

Now of course, Mr. Palmer was speaking of the ladies. And justly so. The moment he starts singing about computers, then he's become...Gary Numan, I guess. But I'm going to make a stretch here. I'm looking at volume 109S of MacMall, and right there in upper left corner is something that could just prove Mr. Palmer wrong...the G4.

I mean, when did it happen that Macintosh mail order catalogs became sexier than Victoria's Secret? A freakish thought? Perhaps. Geekish? Certainly. But it stems from the fact that Mac catalogs contain items that I can actually possess. As a guy, it's neither my right nor my wish to ever possess a woman. As a consumer, it is my right and my wish to possess a G4.

But written right there underneath the "G4 is Here!" tag line is the price. It says, "starting at $1,594." Know what I don't have right now? $1,594. And I'm honest enough with myself to admit that the low end model won't cut it with me. Nope, I'm a mid-range kind of guy, so I'd be spending $2,494 on my G4. And what's a new computer without a matching monitor? There's another $499. And then there's the better keyboard and mouse, joystick, gamepad...

Yet I know I'm going to buy one. I've been good, after all. I bypassed the iMac, the G3 and the iBook. Couldn't justify them, since my workhorse 9600 does its job just fine, and my 3400c is more than enough to handle the word processing and internet connection for which it's used. Although I love my toys as much as the next guy trying to compensate for some sort of shortcoming, I'm not into excess. I only waste my hard earned money on items I really need...like a DVD player with a surround system (you haven't seen "Army of Darkness" until you've watched it in Spanish with French subtitles), a Flash Gordon pinball machine, and...well...a G4.

Of course, this begs the question, "Where do I get the money?" See, after buying the DVD system this past spring and both an engagement ring and lime iMac for Tieraney, I don't exactly have the cash to plunk down on an entire new computer system. But I will buy it anyway. Why? Because, like Madonna, I know how to justify my love.

I've actually got it easier than most. I'm no longer accountable to my parents, I have no family to support, and I have yet to get sued by anyone. I've got a decent Simple IRA program through my current employer, and I've got a good chunk of money rolled over from my New York employer. My credit is good, and I'll have two of my three credit cards cleared by the end of next month.

See what I'm doing here? I'm justifying my love. Do I have the money to order the G4? No. Can I make it look like I do? Sure. I just did. Only it's quite easy to justify this purchase to myself. I'm preaching to the preacher. What about those with children who want to go to Disney world or a spouse who's been coveting the neighbor's new Accord? Well, we at Applelinks are here to help however we can. And so I submit the following list of reasons why the purchase of a G4 is a wise decision.

1. Make money off the G4 by turning it into a web server and setting up the net's first "Boiling Pudding Webcam." For if there's one thing I've learned in my internet travels, it's that people will pay to watch anything.
2. It's a supercomputer! It's a weapon! It can't fall into the wrong hands...like Ted Nugent's, for example.
3. After spending all that money on a G4, there'll be nothing left for Backstreet Boys tickets.
4. The computer itself is sexier than any Bluebird scan.
5. Free Alley 19 Bowling means no more expensive trips to a real bowling alley.
6. Terminal Reality is recommending the G4 for Nocturne, and Nocturne has skeletons.
7. In order to make room for the G4 box, the garage and/or closet will have to finally be cleaned out.
8. The reported odor the computer emanates will repel the mice living in the walls.
9. More time spent on a new computer means less time spent watching Felicity.
10. Because of the Apple/Motorola chip fiasco, by the time the G4 ships, college, the car, and the last vacation will be paid off anyway.

So there you have it. If none of those work and you find that you still can't convince your private powers that be that a G4 is the right thing to do, if your spouse feels threatened by the beauty of the machine or your parents worry that you'll take it instead of a date to Homecoming...well, to quote Robert Palmer once more:

Little boy sat down and cried
Old man passed him, asked him why
Said, "I can't do what the big boys do"
Old man sat down and he cried too.

That really has nothing to do with anything. I just think it's a funny quote.

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Monday, 13-Oct-2008 09:03:30 EDT