Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

The iTunes Music Store
or, the Music Service for People Who Don't Like Music

By Kirk Hiner

LONG ISLAND, NY -- Applelinks senior editor Kirk Hiner today announced his intention to create his own online music service, tentatively called HiTunes. The music service will allow Macintosh users around the world to access what Kirk likes to call, "Music that doesn't suck" for a certain fee that will vary wildly depending upon Kirk's financial situation that month.

"The problem with the iTunes Music Store," Kirk is quick to point out, "is that Sheryl Crow's picture is on it. If I want to see a picture of Sheryl Crow, I'll simply request copies of the annual report from any number of major corporations to whom she's sold her soul."

Kirk further explains that people shouldn't have to pay 99 cents for songs they can hear ten times an hour on any given pop radio station at any given time of the day. "People don't want to listen to U2, Sting and Norah Jones. And if they do, they're wrong."

"What people really want to download are rare songs from the 80s such as Monte Video's 'Shoop-Shoop, Diddy-Wop, Cumma-Cumma, Wand-Dang' and 'Birds Fly (Whisper To A Scream)' by...uh...the guys who sing Birds Fly (Whisper To A Scream)'. I want...I mean they want British import b-sides from Oasis and Stereophonics and a whole lot of J-Rock from bands such as Puffy, Love Psychedelico and Mummy the Peepshow."

Kirk contends that he was extremely excited about the iTunes Music Store until he saw a photo of Steve Jobs and Sheryl Crow "yucking it up" in a climate controlled photo studio set up just to make it look like Steve and Sheryl are rock 'n' roll buddies and enjoyed each other's company for anything more than a chance for both of them to move more product. "I suppose next they'll team up to record a cover of 'Somewhere Out There'..." Kirk started, then trailed off with a shudder.

"Sheryl and Steve have both terrified me with their comments," Kirk went on after collecting himself. "Steve has said, 'Nobody thinks of albums anymore, anyway. People think of playlists and mixes. We'll still sell albums as artists put them out, but for most consumers of popular music, we think they'll more likely buy single tracks that they like. And then they'll organize them into customized playlists in their computers and on their iPods.' "

"This is what I don't get," Kirk explains, "Steve's a big fan of the Beatles, right? The Beach Boys? I wonder if thinks of Pet Sounds or Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band as albums or as playlists on his iPod. If artists become only interested in selling singles instead of albums, Steve may still get "Wouldn't It Be Nice" and "Lucy In the Sky with Diamonds," but he's not getting "Don't Talk" or "When I'm Sixty-Four." This is a nice way to purchase music, I suppose, but I pray the day will never come when musicians start to feel this is a good way to make music."

To justify his fears, Kirk points to a recent quote from Sheryl Crow, in which she said, "It would be nice to have a mechanism to release a song or two or three or four on their own."

To this, Kirk comments, "Okay, so instead of putting out an album every three or six years, lazy artists like Sheryl Crow can put out a song or two or three or four every three or six years. Perfect! That'll give Sheryl even more time to soak up the sun! WhooHOO!"

It was this attitude that inspired Kirk to create HiTunes. Whereas the iTunes Music Store is great for people who never think about what music they should own, instead letting their tastes be dictated by MTV, corporate radio, their teen angst (be it current or nostalgic) and bright, pretty displays at the local Fye, Kirk says that HiTunes will cater to those who, "...buy CDs and actually listen to them. Who pay attention to the music instead of just popping it on in the background when they're dusting their furniture or driving to a fight behind the local bowling alley. Who don't skip the 'filler' tracks. Who actually read the credits to see who's engineering the album or playing horns."

When asked of Steve Jobs' recent quote to Time.com that Apple has plans to incorporate independent music labels in the iTunes Music Store, Kirk replied, "Just you shut up. They still won't have Taco."

Kirk is also somewhat sketchy about the fees he'll charge for his service. "Well, I'll have to charge something. I mean, most of the bands that'll be available at HiTunes--bands such as Night Ranger, Vinegar Joe, and The Climax Blues Band--could really, really, really use the money right now. If people want to steal music from huge acts such as Metallica and Celine Dion and the NItty Gritty Dirt Band, that's fine. They don't need the money. They don't even deserve the money. But Bonnie Tyler needs that 5% cut I've promised her. HiTunes may help many capable artists avoid the embarrassment of performing at area BBQ Cook-Offs and Grape Jamborees."

When asked how his HiTunes internet music service will work, Kirk explains, "Well, it won't be quite (and by 'quite' I mean 'nearly') as attractive or convenient as the iTunes Music Store. Basically, what'll happen is that people will send me e-mails telling me what songs or albums they'd like. I'll then respond within a few days--provided I don't mistake their requests for spam and throw them in my trash--to let them know if I have the records. Once the fees have been determined and agreed upon, I'll send them their MP3s. This may sound inconvenient at first, but Rhapsody users will actually recognize it as an improvement."

"Plus, we're already both Mac and Windows compatible! There are no platform restrictions here, but there are moron restrictions. This means that, if I don't particularly care for the person making the request, I don't have to honor said request. For instance, if someone writes me and says he really wants 'Bohemian Rhapsody' from that Wayne's World movie, I not only reserve the right to refuse service, but to also track him down and smack him in the face. For the last time; 'Bohemian Rhapsody' is not from that Wayne's World movie! And hey, why in sam hill is Queen not represented at the iTunes Music Store? And don't give me this song and dance about the five major record labels or whatever. There are only two real record labels...Hollywood Records and everyone else who doesn't have Queen. Oh, and Parlophone, since they have U.K. rights, and you can still find some of their stuff on Capitol or Elektra, so the only two record real labels are Hollywood, Parlophone, Capital, Elektra and everyone else who doesn't have Queen! Oh, and any other label I don't know about that has distribution rights for Queen in any other foreign country."

"I'm sorry...what were we talking about again?"

When asked when HiTunes will be made available to the public, Kirk responds "Know what? Screw it. I see now that the iTunes Music Store at least has some Dance Hall Crashers and OK Go and Shonen Knife, so maybe they're doing all right. So they don't yet have everything I want...big deal. The thing will only get bigger, and last time I checked, there were still a couple...a couple...online and 'brick and mortar' stores that sell music at a fairly decent price...music in actual cases with lyric sheets and liner notes and the occasional bonus video...music that isn't restricted to a few iPods or computers, or that--heaven forbid--can be played on an actual stereo system with having to make the CD yourself. The iTunes Music Store is just another way to buy music, the Mac way to buy music, and--provided your favorite artists are more about making good music instead of making good money--it seems a pretty fair way to go about it."

"But God help us all, and the music industry, if it should become the only way."

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