Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

Games People (Want to) Play

What a great time to be a Macintosh gamer, huh? Don't you think? I've been playing games on the Macintosh for the better half of this decade, and not once during this time have I seen such a plethora of quality software from which to choose. Just take a look at the recent issues of MacADDICT or Macworld and count the number of MacSoft ads alone. It's amazing! It's bewildering! It's inspiring!

Yeah, inspiring. You see, I've always been one to take the bull by the horns (where else are you going to grab it?). If there's money to be made, I'm right there. I'm usually told to leave, but I'm right there for a moment, at least.

So, to take advantage of the recent surge in Mac gaming, I've decided to set up my own development company. I'll call it Majestic Frigate Productions, and I'll start work on my own titles as soon as I teach myself C++. Until I get that down (which shouldn't take too long since I was fairly good at programming Basic on my Timex Sinclair 1000 back in 1983), I'll work on my press releases instead.

Flight Sim - "Kamikaze"

Developed by Majestic Frigate Productions in association with Catholic Cow Productions, "Kamikaze" takes computer flight simulations to the next level.

"We recognized that there were gamers out there who enjoyed flying airplanes, but hated landing them," explained Bill Stiteler, Jr., CEO of Catholic Cow. "Nothing's worse than completing a hard fought mission-beating tremendous odds-only to come home and crash into the hangar. So we thought, 'Why not make crashing the mission?' "

For those who also hate taking off, "Kamikaze" features a "start in flight" mode. It also includes a "start in flight already aimed at the ship mode" as well as a "start ten feet from the ship with no annoying anti-aircraft fire to upset you" mode for those who hate to turn. Other objects into which the player can crash, including buildings, bridges, sports arenas and corporate headquarters are available via the purchase of an expansion pack. A special Government Agency expansion pack is due out at tax time. The game will support the latest 3Dfx technology, but will not support Windows 3.1, 95, 98, 2000 or NT. No joystick required.

Hunting Sim - "The Most Dangerous Game"

Based on the short story by Richard Connell, Majestic Frigate Productions' "The Most Dangerous Game" takes hunting simulators to the next level. Choosing the perspective of Zaroff, players must hunt and kill Rainsford before he escapes the island. Players can also choose the perspective of Rainsford.

"The Most Dangerous Game" also has a unique Celebrity Hunting Party feature. Players can host such parties, wherein celebrities are placed throughout the island so that the player can hunt them down. The game ships with the cast of Dawson's Creek (except for Pacey, who's actually pretty cool), but other celebrities will be available for download from the MFP website. Players can also hunt their friends via internet play.

Available now for MacOS. Windows version due in 2007.

Action - "Hallway to Hell"

You've been teaching for twenty years, and all you ever wanted was to make a difference. But unmotivated students, overbearing administrators, ill-informed parents and misguided government intervention have started to take their toll. Finally, after young Johnny Jocko shoots his fifth spit-wad of the day, you snap.

To make a difference, you wanted. To make a difference, you will.

Taking the "Unreal" engine to the next level, Majestic Frigate Productions' "Hallway to Hell" brings carnage to a rural high school. You play Mr. Bernard, history teacher gone mad. Armed with poisonous spit-wads, sulfuric acid, a frog dissection kit and a protractor, you begin a murderous spree the likes of which have not been seen since Carrie's prom. To survive you'll have to wipe out your class, the teacher's lounge, the school board, the glee club, the debate team, the wrestling squad, the PTO and many other high school organizations. It won't be easy, but no one said teaching ever would be. The more you know, the more you want to kill.

Available for MacOS, Amiga, Linux, BeOS, Palm Pilot, Newton 2000, Apple IIGS, Timex Sinclair 1000 and Commodore 64.

Strategy - "The Battle of Bunker Lane"

So you enjoy the strategy of war but don't so much appreciate the blood and guts? Then Majestic Frigate Productions has the game for you. Set around your home on Bunker Lane, you control an army of children that has finally had enough of the neighborhood bully, Sal Bliter. Armed with water balloons, ping-pong ball guns, eggs and items found in your neighbors' garages, you must defend your playgrounds and put an end to Sal's tyrannical rule.

But this will be no simple task. Sal is widely feared, and few have the courage to stand up to him. You must build your army, but do you gain allies with force or diplomacy? How do you take over the neighborhood without becoming the very person you're trying to overthrow? And you're not only dealing with a ruthless enemy, but with your own army as well. You'll lose soldiers to groundings, Saturday morning cartoons, trips to their grandparents and...every general's nightmare...puppy love. Lose "The Battle of Bunker Lane," and you're doomed to a lifetime of noogies and wedgies from Sal. But win, and your parents just may take you to Chuck E. Cheese!

Hybrid CD, available for MacOS and Windows (Windows version does not take strategy gaming to the next level).

Sports Sim - "Dallas Cowboy Action Football '99"

If you've been waiting for a game that takes sports simulation to the next level, then wait no more. "Dallas Cowboy Action Football '99" is here!

Produced by Majestic Frigate Productions in conjuction with the NFL and the Dallas Police Department, "Dallas Cowboy Action Football '99" provides the realism missing from previous sport simulations.

"Other football sims offer passing, blocking and tackling, but what about the blatant drug and alcohol abuse?" asked Macintosh gamer Jack Jose. "If I'm running the Dallas Cowboys, I've got to be able to do more than run off-tackle. I've got to be able to stab my own teammates in the neck with scissors, cheat on my wife and then get my wrists slapped by my coach for cursing in practice. I've got to be able to thank the Lord for the God-given ability to showboat and taunt other players. With 'Dallas Cowboy Action Football '99,' I get all that."

"Dallas Cowboy Action Footbal '99" is due out for MacOS as soon as it's released from probation by the NFL.

Fighting - "Cock Fighter"

Experience the thrill of cock fighting like never before! No longer must you be content to stand off to the side in some dank, dark, dirty barn, throwing down fifties to perceive the poultry pummelations and procure your profit. With Majestic Frigate Productions' "Cock Fighter," this taboo sport returns to the mainstream...and you're in complete control.

"With the success of games such as 'Virtua Fighter 2' and 'Tekken 2' and Mortal Combat 2' and 'Donkey Kong Jr.,' I realized that the public really wanted to see two chickens fight on the next level," said absolutely no one. "Unlike with most combat games, "Cock Fighter" doesn't inundate the player with multiple keystrokes and fancy special moves. They're chickens, after all. They peck, and that's pretty much it. To appeal to the target combat audience, however, we do dress a couple of the hens in thigh-high leather boots."

Available for Macintosh System 7.1 or earlier and optimized for Windows 98.

Adventure - "Invasion of the Bondi Snatchers"

The cornerstone of the Majestic Frigate Productions catalogue, "Invasion of the Bondi Snatchers" promises to be the biggest selling computer game of all time.

In this adventure, you wake up on January 1, 2000, knowing that something is wrong. Looking around the room, you discover that your brand new iMac has been stolen! You rush to tell your parents, but they seem oddly ambivalent. Not even your friends care, as they drone about how they traded in their iMacs for new Gateway computers. What's more, they all seem to ask you the same question, "Where do you want to go today?"

Fearing not only for your computer productivity but for the fate of the whole planet, you set out on a mission that will lead you through Cupertino, deep into silicon valley and ultimately to Redmond where you will stand before the Gates of Hell himself. You're vastly outnumbered and outarmed, but you're smarter, you're faster, your weapons don't jam nearly as much and-quite frankly-you're much better looking.

"It's better than 'Myst'," stated someone who's never actually played 'Myst' but knows that if you want to sell a computer game, you have to write "It's better than 'Myst' " on the box.

"Invasion of the Bondi Snatchers" comes on twenty-four CDs, but a spokesman for Majestic Frigate Productions points out that a full install takes up less space than Microsoft Office. It also transports adventure gaming to the next level, taking full advantage of surround sound and 3Dfx driven 32 bit graphics. A spokesman at MFP stated that the 32 bit decision was made because, "We found it impossible to match the iMac's color with the 8 bit Apple system palate."

"Invasion of the Bondi Snatchers" has been available for quite some time. As the CEO of MFP stated in his press release, "Apple users have been living this adventure for years."

So there you have it; seven games that will forever change the computer industry. In fact, I'm so sure of it, I'm going to have these ideas copyrighted. All interested publishers can reach me care of Applelinks. In the meantime, I'll just be sitting here working on my Celine Dion bot for "The Most Dangerous Game."

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Saturday, 06-Sep-2008 20:57:24 EDT