Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

I'm Embarrassed George Bush Uses A Macintosh
or, I Still Can't Bring Myself to Like the Dixie Chicks

By Kirk Hiner

Okay, yes, I'll admit straight off that this article is based on a faulty premise. Or, as I like to call it, an absurd notion. I think it's safe to assume that George Bush doesn't use a Macintosh. In fact, I'm willing to wager George Bush doesn't even use a computer. He probably can't even type. Why should he have to?

George Bush isn't the focus of this article, though. I guess it's more about the Dixie Chicks...only not really. Here's the thing. Friday afternoon, as I was driving home from the majestic Applelinks Towers, I turned the radio from NPR because I was getting bored with their pledge drive. As my Blaupunkt was scanning for something decent, I heard a news blurb about how someone named Natalie was in trouble for comments she'd made a concert in England. Thinking it was Natalie from The Facts of Life, I stayed on that station to hear what that crazy girl was up to now.

Ends up there's a girl in the Dixie Chicks named Natalie. Did you all know that? Her name's Natalie, and she's from Texas. Apparently, while at the show, she made some kind of comment about how she's embarrassed that George Bush is also from Texas. The British crowd greatly enjoyed this comment, but it apparently hasn't gone over so well with some folk back here in the States.

Now, before I get into that, I have to wonder how far the Dixie Chicks have to go to make such a comment. Obviously, you can't say that in Texas. Can't insult someone in front of his home crowd, even if you're part of the home crowd. But, let's say The Dixie Chicks are invited to perform at the Grape Jamboree in Geneva, Ohio this summer (and by all accounts, that may be the biggest gig they'll be offered). Can they say it there? Maybe, maybe not. Depends upon how many pick-up trucks are parked nearby, I'd say.

But England...yeah. Safe. Canada would be safe. In fact, anywhere outside the United States at this point would be safe since everyone...everyone...hates us right now. America has to be the only country in the world capable of getting the entire planet to turn on us so quickly after the tremendous outpouring of sympathy we received following the tragic events of 9/11.

Is that hatred justified? I'll let you decide. The Dixie Chicks sure think so. Or maybe they were just warming up the crowd. You know, rather than scream out the traditional, "Hello, London! Are you ready to party?!" Natalie gave them a common enemy. Nothing brings people together faster than a common enemy (unless that enemy is Saddam Hussein, in which case nothing splits people (or security councils) apart faster than a common enemy). She could've done the same thing with creamed corn, really. "Just so you know, we're ashamed that creamed corn is from Texas." Who cares if creamed corn isn't from Texas? All that matters is that everyone in the crowd who hates creamed corn is now a fan for life.

So, much as when John Lennon made the comment that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus, fans of the Dixie Chicks decided to throw out or burn their CDs. I'm not surprised at this, I'm just surprised they didn't do it sooner. I mean, there are many reasons to throw out Dixie Chicks CDs--usually about thirteen or fourteen per album--but the expression of a political opinion? What kind of fans are (were) these. Man, if I got upset every time one of my favorite bands expressed an opinion I didn't share, the only CDs I'd have left in my collection would be from Puffy Amiyumi because they only speak Japanese!

What I really don't understand is that many of the people denouncing the Dixie Chicks have stated they're upset because they have family members and friends in the military. What's that have to do with being embarrassed about George Bush? Know what? I have family members and friends in the military, too, and the last thing I want is for George Bush to send them off to war.

But even more perplexing is the fact that radio stations actually quit playing the Dixie Chicks! Wow! Seriously, I'm not making this up. No more than ten minutes after I heard the news report about the fiasco, I happened across a country/western sta...oh, sorry. I mean I happened across an adult contemporary station where a woman called to request the Dixie Chicks on behalf of her father. The DJ's reaction? "Sorry, I won't do that. The Dixie Chicks are on hold.":

Yep, freedom of speech, everyone. We've all got it, but oh the wrath we face when we exercise it.

Of course, just as I was starting to appreciate the Dixie Chicks, young Natalie flip-flopped and apologized to President Bush:

"As a concerned American citizen, I apologize to President Bush because my remark was disrespectful. I feel that whoever holds that office should be treated with the utmost respect. We are currently in Europe and witnessing a huge anti-American sentiment as a result of the perceived rush to war. While war may remain a viable option, as a mother, I just want to see every possible alternative exhausted before children and American soldiers' lives are lost. I love my country. I am a proud American."

Oh, Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. There are so many things wrong with that statement that I can't even begin to dissect it, I just want to smack your publicist upside the head for writing it for you. But record sales are important, so I guess it's time to start waving the flag and sucking up to your fans so you can get back on the radio. Funny how you wouldn't apologize for "Goodbye Earl" (not that you had to, the song was pretty funny), but you will for this.

I guess I feel bad for the Dixie Chicks. I still don't like their music, but I have nothing against them personally (except that perhaps they're not willing to stand behind their comments). They don't deserve this backlash simply because of an opinion expressed at a country/western con...oh, sorry. I mean an adult contemporary concert. If you're throwing out your Dixie Chicks CDs because of the opinions they hold, then obviously you weren't into them because of their music.

So, I think I'm going to help the Dixie Chicks out. Yes, I, Kirk Hiner, senior editor of Applelinks, will give the nation someone else to hate. I will martyr myself before an angry mob of fickle fans by giving them someone new against whom they can lash out. Of course, since my reader base is considerably smaller than their fan base, and because I'm pretty much getting only Macintosh users, I'll have to take a different route. Let's see...

"Just so you know, I'm ashamed the President of the United States use a Macintosh." Of course, that was my title, and we've already covered why that wouldn't work, so I'll move on.

"Just so you know, I'm ashamed the President of the United States supported Open Doc." What do you think? Too obscure? Okay...

"Just so you know, I'm ashamed the President of the United States is from the same state as Aspyr, Pangea Software, Westlake Interactive..." Actually, the Dixie Chicks already covered that one, and I've never even been to Texas, so I'll leave that alone. I think I'd better switch gears.

"Just so you know, I'm ashamed the President of the United States leaked the news about the Cube before Macworld Expo NY 2000." Well, it'll at least endear me to ATI, and I'm pretty sure Apple already harbors ill feelings towards Bush because of his influence in the Microsoft antitrust lawsuit.

"Just so you know, I kicked the President's ass last night in Unreal Tournament." I mean, that's not exactly true, since I don't know the real name of the people with whom I was playing, but one of them may have been the President.

Ah, screw it. This is too hard. Natalie, you're on your own. I'm not a political columnist, after all. I'm not even a fan, let alone a Texan. I'm just an American. I'm an American who's a little bitter right now and a little worried and a little disillusioned. All that adds up to a lot unfocused, so I'll get back to Macintosh-themed columns next month. It just seems that, right now, there are things going on in the world that are far more absurd than the computer industry.

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