Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

The Presidential Debate

By Kirk Hiner

Kirk:Good evening, and thank you for joining us for this premier and hopefully final episode of Meet the Absurdity. First, allow me to introduce myself. My name's Kirk Hiner, and--just like Billy Squire--I'm guilty of love in the first degree. Tonight we'll be debating the Presidency of the United States of America. Who is qualified? Who will win? Who's more likely to give me an iBook if I subtly indicate to the readers for whom they should vote? None of those answers will be revealed tonight, but by-cracky we're going to give it a try. Here to represent First-Person Shooter Party candidate Duke Nukem, journalist for the Timestown Times, Riggler Orzentopflen.

Riggler: Thank you, Kirk.

Kirk: That's enough. And representing Bob Newbie, this election's Strategy/Sim Party candidate, is Britney Spears, editor of the Gazetteville Gazette.

Britney: Hello.

Kirk: Now Britney, I see from the fact you're not dressed like a skank that you're not pop phenom Britney Spears.

Britney: Actually, Kirk. I object to your referral to Britney as a skank. A woman should be allowed to express her sexuality in any manner she pleases.

Riggler: I express my sexuality in any manner I please.

Kirk: Okay, Britney we'll start with you, because I can't look at Riggler right now without thinking in pictures. I'll start with the question that has been on the minds of the American public since, never, really; is America ready to have a Sim as president?

Britney: Absolutely. No other candidate is so in tune with the American family. He comes right from your neighborhood. He knows what it's like to get up each morning, shower, make some breakfast, urinate on the floor, cry, put the dirty dishes on the floor right next to the trash can...these are the issues that matter most to the American people.

Riggler: What?! Were you hit by a bus on the way over here? You think America wants a president who speaks nothing but gibberish? How many Americans will watch a State of the Union address where they have to figure out what the President's saying by looking at images in bubbles over his head? What's that? An atom? Oh, we must've bombed Iraq. And that dollar? Must be raising taxes again.

Britney: As if your method of communication is more advanced. See something move? Kill it! See something not move? Kill it! It's the same thing over and over and over. Violence and guns, death and bombs!

Kirk: Do you care to rebut that, Riggler?

Riggler: Okay, I was told by the censors I couldn't do that here.

Britney: See? What's the point in even debating this? If it doesn't come out the end of a gun, the First Person Shooter Party has no...

Riggler: Hey, don't even start knocking guns. Many great conflicts have ended with guns...or at least received nasty limps. You can't solve all of life's problems by hiring a gardener or buying a nice floor lamp.

Britney: Nor can you with weapons. Do you know that if you cancelled just one B-1 Bomber you could feed 60,000 homeless for a year?

Riggler: And if you cancelled 60,000 homeless you could have yourself a really cool B-1 Bomber. It's all a matter of perspective. Speaking of which, does your Newbie have any perspective on world situations? No! He's never even left his neighborhood! Do you want the country to be run by a man who's entire world extends no further than the end of the block?

Britney: As opposed to the man who spends his every hour destroying that block? Anger management class. That's what Duke needs. Four years worth of, "I blowed s**t up," it's going to get really old, really quickly.

Kirk: But Britney, some would argue that although the Strategy/Sim has certainly gained ground with the gaming public over the past few years, the Party has pretty much run its course. Technology is starting to pass you by, and over saturation is numbing your own party members.

Britney: No, not at all. Look at the success that Bob Newbie has had with his home game, The Sims. Sales have been stellar, and we feel that Bob can carry that success into the presidency.

Riggler: But that success fleeting. Sure, The Sims has been successful, but Bob is just a cog in the wheel, there. He may as well be Betty Newbie or one of those Goth's. Hell, he may as well be a player! But Duke Nukem...Duke has proven himself. He's proven that he has staying power, that he can adapt and grow.

Britney: If you call getting bigger guns and more polygons growing.

Riggler: And how does Bob measure growth? By putting a jacuzzi on the back patio?

Kirk: Okay, before we become mired in this track, I'd like to bring up a point that I know has been troubling many prospective voters; party control. Members of the Adventure and Shareware Parties, for example, have raised accusations that perhaps the two major parties have been purposely...

Riggler: I'm sorry, what parties?

Kirk: Adventure and Share –

Riggler: Never heard of them.

Britney: That's ridiculous Kirk. We're certainly not threatened by them, so what would be the point in suppressing them?

Kirk: But it's the fear of the threat that causes you to suppress them; denying them shelf space, dominating programming time...in fact, stipulations from you both dictated that Adventure Party candidate Leisure Suit Larry and Shareware Party candidate Ferazel not be represented here tonight. You don't call that suppression?

Britney: But just look...Leisure Suit Larry? He was recently fired from his own Party. Does the gaming public really want to hear what he has to say about health insurance? I don't think so. And Ferazel? Why not Jazz Jackrabbit, for Power Pete's sake?

Riggler: If suppression is for the good of the American public, can it really be called suppression?

Kirk: Yes.

Riggler: Oh, sure, use that argument.

Kirk: It just seems that America could only benefit from the wealth of possibilities and insight that would be offered to us by equal representation from the Adventure Party, the Shareware Party, and many others.

Britney: Others like what? The Sports Party? [Laughs uncontrollably.]

Riggler: [Laughs.]

Kirk: Well, I'm afraid we're about out of time, so I'd like to ask each of you for your final comments. Britney.

Britney: I would just like to say that, if I elected, I promise that I will be the next President of the United States.

Kirk: Riggler, do you have anything to add.

Riggler: Yes. I'm wearing my wife's underwear.

Kirk: I'd like to thank you both for joining me here tonight, and I'll remind my viewers to tune in next time when my guests will be J.C. Denton and the Myth II Soulless Glee Club. Good night.

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