Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

The Cost of Computing, (or Why I No Longer Have Cable TV)

By Kirk Hiner

Before I go any further, let me first make it clear that I'm not bragging about cancelling my cable. When people ask if I saw the premier of Temptation Island, I don't haughtily proclaim, "Oh, I don't watch television. With my free time I'd rather read Joyce Carol Oates or practice my oboe." No, when people asked why I cancelled cable, I simply tell the truth; I can no longer justify paying $42.00 a month to watch six or seven hours of wrestling. I mean, football season's over, The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. still has not been picked up for another season, and my cable provider doesn't carry the Category III Hong Kong Cinema channel, so what's the point?

I have another super-special-secret-surprise reason for cancelling my cable; weddings and honeymoons are expensive. I guess they don't have to be. I mean, Tieraney didn't have to pick the flowers she did, and I didn't have to decide upon the United Kingdom as our honeymoon destination, but it's not like they have The London Dungeon in Myrtle Beach, you know, and isn't that what honeymoons are supposed to be about; reliving the plague, following Jack the Ripper and attending public beheadings?

And so, through my spending habits, I've lately learned a lot about myself. The wedding itself illustrates this. After all, where do you skimp so you can spend extravagantly elsewhere? In one example for Tieraney and I, the big bucks are going to the photographer. To compensate, there will be no, and I repeat, no videographer. There are many reasons for this, the first being that people like to look at wedding photos, while no one enjoys watching wedding videos no matter how high the production quality or to what dorky Celine Dion song they're set. There's also the fact that my cousin's husband has a habit of videotaping weddings and giving the tape to the couple as his wedding gift. Huh uh, buddy. You'll buy us something just like everyone else.

Sacrifices outside the wedding must be made as well. I have yet to order parts two and three in the Daimajin trilogy from Amazon.com (wedding gift idea there, everyone), I haven't been to a concert in months, I've replaced eating out with drinking Slim Fast (which has had the peculiar side of effect of causing me to lose 20 pounds), and I've let the subscription run out on two of the three Macintosh magazines I used to receive. I won't reveal which one survived the cut, but I will say that I refuse to read blocks of text printed in a sans serif typeface.

And here's the thing. Aside from the magazines, my Mac is the one money-pit into which I continue to pump my hard earned dollars. RAM's cheap? Buy more. Do I need it? Who cares? Upgrade Photoshop? Yes. Why? Well actually, I've drawn my upgrade rationale from that of Mr. L. Prosser of AppleMaster Douglas Adams' "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." When Arthur Dent asks Mr. Prosser why the bypass that will destroy his house has to be built, Mr. Prosser replies, "It's a bypass. You've got to build bypasses."

It's an upgrade. You've got to buy upgrades.

And so I must spend money on my Mac, but why? Why did it make the cut when the French onion soup at Grinder's and the turntable I've wanted for a year did not? I guess I could lie and say it's because the money I spend on it I make back through Applelinks and freelance work, but I wouldn't even be fooling myself. One look at my credit card bills will attest to that.

Luckily, Tieraney understands this. She's actually quite thankful for it. Whereas some men blow most their cash on car wax, greens fees or propane, I at least waste mine on something she can use. But although I have her blessing, I still can't help but feel guilty. I mean, those flowers are expensive, and London's very far away.

And so I'm going to try to cut back on my computer spending. It's sort of a diet, really; it's just a matter of trimming off the fat and avoiding snacks. And so, for the benefit of my readers who may be in a similar situation, I'm posting here my plan for the Great Mac App Cut Back.

1. No More Microsoft

Keeping with the diet analogy, this is like eliminating fried cheese sticks from the menu. It's just common sense. Microsoft products, for the most part, are ridiculously expensive. Sure, I used to argue that they're also quite powerful, but big deal. I don't need that power, so it's time I quit living the lie. For word processing, Mariner Write does me just fine. Of course, there are free options as well, but I'll get to those later.

PowerPoint? Don't even talk to me about PowerPoint. I colored dioramas in grade school that looked more professional and creative than PowerPoint presentations. Just get some crayons and have at it.

I have no idea what Entourage is, I didn't need it before, and I don't need it now.

As for Excel...well, Excel's pretty good. I think I'll just find some .com that just went out of business and snag a copy.

So lets see...we've got Microsoft Office at $499, minus $69.95 for Mariner Write and $5.49 for a box of 64 Crayolas...that's a saving of $423.56. Already my honeymoon is a day or two longer.

2. Strategize Game Purchases

Used to be this wasn't an issue. I can remember when I was happy to get four, maybe five A-list games for the Mac in one year. But now they're more abundant than teen prom-and-sex movies. With so many games from which to choose, how do I know which ones to buy? Simple. Expandability. You see, it wasn't that long ago that when I finished playing a game, that was it. Done. Off the hard drive and into the closet. But now the life of many games is practically unlimited. The key terms to search for here are "multiplayer" and "level editor." Multiplayer means that, after you've finished the game, you can go online and take on real people. I have friends who still try to play the original Myth online, and it was released nearly four years ago!

Level editors for games are mostly PC only, but the levels these people create often work on Macs as well. So since multiplayer gaming isn't my thing, I can at least take advantage of new single-player levels.

Of course, some may say that if I'm trying to save money I shouldn't be buying games at all. Whatever.

So let's estimate that these aspects triple the life of my games, and I normally purchase four games a year at roughly $50 each. By being a little more picky, I can save nearly $150. There's tickets to "Mama Mia" and a pre-show dinner. Bonus!

3. Stick with Apple's Keyboard and Mouse

I know, this one's tough, but hey, anything worth having's worth fighting for, even if I'm fighting my own common sense. Although neither device is by any means perfect, they both get the job done and they look good doing it. Plus, this will eliminate many games from my list simply because they can't be played with a one button mouse (alas, dear Konoko, I hardly knew ye).

No new mouse plus no new keyboard plus cheaper games equals a savings of roughly $125. All the spotted dick I can eat!

4. Free Stuff

Quite simply, there's a lot of free stuff on the web. Microsoft's Outlook Express and Internet Explorer are free, and they're actually pretty good. It's odd, really. The more bloated and useless Microsoft products are, the more they cost. Explain that to me.

It doesn't end with Microsoft, of course. Many games are free, there are tons of free extensions and control panels that perform the same functions as retail software, and even the fully functional Corel WordPerfect 3.5e is still available as a free download.

Of course, there's also all the stuff Apple gives us for free. I could play Pangea Software's Nanosaur or Bugdom for quite some time and not get bored. iMovie 2 has even proven entertaining despite the fact that I have no digital camcorder. Instead, I simply find and download movies other people have made and splice them all together. By adding a new soundtrack, effects and dialogue, I can turn some total stranger's family reunion into my life. Watching my iMovies, one would think I have a ranch, jet skis, a GameBoy Color, seventeen children of varying races, seven wives--three of whom are Jennifer Connelly at varying ages (all over 18, of course), and Tieraney's okay with this because she's married to Brad Pitt from Fight Club, Legends of the Fall, and Cool World, and as soon as it comes out on video, she'll also marry Snatch Brad.

Of course, I won't figure any of that into the cost here because I wouldn't ever buy a yacht and I couldn't afford Jennifer in her Dark City days, so we'll instead say I've saved $68.00 on the Pangea games, $49.00 on iMovie 2, and $1,500.00 on a digital camcorder, so that's...cripes over $1,600! That's the flight to London!

I could go on, but at this point I've already got everything under control. Perhaps one day, if enough people ask for it, I'll create an entire "How to Stop Spending Money On Your Computer" guide. Of course, that's provided I actually return from the Wales leg of my trip. I mean, give me the Welsh countryside, a castle in the distance and Tieraney's hand in mine, and I won't even need no stinking computer.

I still may need Brisco County Jr., though.

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