Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

All Aboard the U.S.S. Censorship

By Kirk Hiner

I used to be anti-censorship. It's true. Clear back in high school, back in 1987, I gave a speech on the evils of Tipper Gore and the PMRC. Anyone remember them? They were the Parents Music Resource Center, and they're the ones who--despite the heroic efforts of Frank Zappa, Dee Snyder and John Denver--are responsible for those annoying parental advisories on CDs and tapes. The advisories that record store owners ignore, that parents never see, and that teenagers seek as incentive to buy an album.

And is it just conincidence that two of the three musicians who opposed the PMRC are now dead? Hmmm. If I were Dee Snyder, I'd be wary of the Washington Wives and their little causes.

But that was a long time ago. That was back when I used to attend book burnings because it was cheaper to get books there than at the store. That was back when I used to watch TV shows just because my grade school principal said that they were bad for today's youth. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century was amongst those responsible for the evils of society, apparently. And get this; there was actually a teacher at my high school who would pass around Queen's album The Game and explain to his students how the album promoted homosexuality, suicide and incest, and he coerced his students into defacing the album with clever comments such as "fag!"

Small town Ohio...you gotta love it.

Now I'm not so sure about the censorship issue. Whereas the media before claimed that the only reason kids smoke, do drugs and have sex is because of rock and roll, it now seems that kids everywhere are basing their life decisions upon video games. As far as I can see it, this thought stems from two things. First, there are many, many violent video games out there these days. And two, there are many, many violent and media-glorified crimes out there these days, many of which are committed by teenagers. Teenagers commit crimes, and teenagers play violent video-games. There you have it. Never before has evidence been so concrete.

About a month ago, I read of a moron teenager in Brazil who killed some people and said he got the idea from the popular Duke Nukem. As a result, Duke Nukem and a few other video games were banned from store shelves. Forgetting for a moment the age-old argument for or against banning the weapons he used to do the killing, I had this thought; I can remember reading about people who bombed abortion clinics, sometimes killing the doctors and/or patients inside. They claimed to have done this in the name of Jesus. Was Jesus then banned? Was the Bible banned? No. Why? Because these people who commit acts of violence and hate in honor the Man who preached nothing but love and tolerance are obviously idiots. Just as are those who commit acts of violence and hate in honor of a character in a video game or movie. The only difference, and the reason we're all punished for these crimes, is because they're teenagers. And if one teenager is a moron, then apparently they all are.

But as I said, now I'm not so sure. I did research on this topic, and I've learned that these past few years have been fraught with people who's behavior has been patterned from video games. Take, for instance, these news reports from papers across the globe...

From The Murithemne Monitor:

Local Boy Destroys Wall

MURITHEMNE - A local boy was arrested yesterday for destroying a wall of the Murithemne. The boy, who did the damage with mortars, says that he got the idea from the popular computer game Myth II.

"I was just walking to school, and suddenly there was the Murithemne, you know?" the boy stated from the Willow Creek County Jail. "It appeared to be occupied by the Fallen, and someone had to clear the way for the airborne assault."

Perhaps even more disturbing than the boy's revelation is the fact that he apparently wasn't working alone. Assisting him in the attack where four Dwarven mortar heroes and four Trow. Two of the Trow and one Dwarf were killed in the attack. The survivors have not yet been accounted for.

In response to this tragedy, the community of Murithemne, led by Mayor Soulblighter, has banned all sales of the game Myth II. When asked of the community's reaction to their son's crime, the boy's parents said, "We have a son?"

From The Seattle Ferryman (Don't Pay Until You've Finished Reading It)

Ricky Watters Scores Rushing Touchdown

SEATTLE - Ending a drought of rushing touchdowns this season, Ricky Watters finally took a hand-off into the end zone in Sunday's game.

"It's not that I wasn't able to," Ricky stated in a post-game press conference, "but rather that it just never occured to me. I mean, we're doing fine with me scoring on pass plays...or even Sean or Derrick, you know? But then I was playing Madden NFL 2000, and it was like, 'Hey, why can't I do that?' "

Ricky was referring to the computer football game in which gamers control computer simulations of actual NFL players. In the game, gamers decide whether to run or pass the ball, and even to whom the play will be run. On the other side, gamers decide how to defend against these plays.

"So this CompUSA had a demo going on their iMac display, and I was playing some kid," Watters continued. "He was running the Cowboys, or some other lame--- team like that. Anyway, I had third and goal on the three, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, why not just run it in?' So I called an off-tackle to me and it worked. I figured that if it works there, it must work in the game, so I suggested it to Mike [Holmgren]. We tried the play in practice, and it seemed to make sense, so we tried it today."

Seattle coach Mike Holmgren also commented on the play. "So long as it keeps working, we'll keep using it. I just hope no one else has Madden NFL 2000 or any other computer game from which to get all their ideas about football and, indeed, life in general."

And finally, there's this from the South Pacific Newspaper Without A Clever Name

American Girl Kills Dinosaur

INDIA - Stirring an international scandal and harming South Pacific/American relations, a young American women flew into the South Pacific this weekend and killed a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

"It's not like I wanted to kill the dinosaur," the young woman stated in a taped confession. "I went there in search of the Ora Dagger. The T-Rex attacked me...I had no choice but to kill it."

Bringing further scrutiny on the already maligned video gaming industry, was the woman's admission that her adventure stemmed from the premise of the popular game Tomb Raider III. "I was up late playing it one night, and I thought, 'Hey, why discover what's up with this Antarctica meteorite in this game, when I can do it real life?' So, inspired by the adventures of Lara Croft, I booked flights to India, Nevada, London, and the South Pacific. You can bet your --- that if I'd played the South Pacific level first and knew there was a dinosaur, I'd've used a cheat code to get past it."

Citizens of the South Pacific are said to be extremely upset with the dinosaur killing, especially since dinosaurs have been extinct for over 60 million years. "Imagine if one of us came into America and killed your King Kong," asked a resident of Modubu Gorge. "You'd be pretty upset too."

The dinosaur killer is expected to be released to U.S. officials later this week, but she will not get to keep her Desert Eagle, grenade launcher or RPGs that were used to kill the tyrannosaurus.

After reading these articles, how can any of us ethically choose to not support the banning of violent video games? How many dinosaurs, soulless and dark archers must die before we bring about the end of this insanity? Not even your editor has been spared from being dipped in this festering cesspool of evil that has spewed forth from our CRTs. While vacationing last summer in Bermuda, I was horrified to find my fiancee Tieraney mercilessly killing the aquatic creatures by squishing them with bubbles. Nothing was safe; fish, shark, eel, starfish...all fell victim to her onslaught which was obviously inspired by Ambrosia Software's Bubble Trouble. I managed to pull Tieraney away before too much damage could be done to the ecosystem, and she didn't talk to me for a week. Ends up she was only on R away from spelling EXTRA and getting an additional life.

So I ask you, Macintosh Gamers, to join me in my fight against violent video games, and indeed, violent entertainment of all forms. No more Star Wars movies. No more NYPD Blue. No more Watership Down, Superman, and Looney Toons. In fact, no more Bible. Will this forever eliminate violent crimes from the face of our planet? Of course not. But at least then there'll be no easy scapegoat upon which these acts can be pinned, and the blame will finally fall on those who rightly deserve it...

The morons.

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Monday, 13-Oct-2008 09:24:14 EDT