Kirk Hiner's

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

Computer Users Need More Balls
or, Why I'm A Cyberathletic Supporter

By Kirk Hiner

I play a lot of games. Too many games, perhaps. I play games on my computer, I play games with my dog, I play games with my coworkers' minds. I like games, and I think this is why; I like them because I firmly believe they will save our planet. If there's never another war, if there's never another drive-by shooting, and if there's never another media-induced paranoia about deadly mosquitos, it'll be because of games.

Actually, let me break down this down a little further. Let's take the game down past The Sims, Myst and Marathon. Let's take it off the computer all together, off the dining room table, and even off the TV set. We'll take it down to its most basic form; the ball.

There have to be very few people in this world who can say they hate balls. Watch children play sometime. You can give them Game Boys and dolls whose hair glows when they wet their pants, but do these ever last? No. They're novelty toys, and novelty wears off. Out of all the toys I received when I was a kid, the only ones I kept for more than three weeks were the ones I could bounce off the garage door.

Actually, I did have this really cool aircraft carrier that launched styrofoam airplnes by pulling a lever, and I'd still be playing with that if it hadn't broken.

Anyway, in your teenage years, balls become even more important because that's when you start using them to impress others. Look at all the team sports centered around balls: football, basketball, volleyball, and so on. There are thousands of ways to use a ball in order to make others take notice of your abilities. How well we catch, hit, throw, or spike a ball has an incredible effect on how we're viewed by others...and it can even influence into what college we're accepted.

More importantly, it gets you chicks. This is why I tend to prefer high school athletics. In college, it's all about doing well enough to get into the pros. In the pros, it's all about the money. In high school, it's all about getting laid, and there's something noble in that.

But yeah, this is all lost in the adult years when people are paid ridiculous amounts of money to play with balls. If we're not good enough to get paid to play with them, then we'll pay to watch those who are. Even as we complain about the amount of money these athletes and their owners get (in some sports, anyway) many continue to shell out the money to watch those balls fly.

It is because of this worldwide allegiance to the ball that I believe there'll never be a nuclear holocaust or some such man-made disaster. No matter how evil the human mind can become, no matter how much we grow to despise those who see things differently from us, we'll never destroy them if both sides have that common love for the ball. Why kill when we can instead embarrass each other in international sport? Why do you think the Olympics have become such a business instead of an exhibition of talent? Countries need to win to prove their superiority. It's not about the athlete, it's about the country the athlete represents. If our boys and girls are better with the ball than their boys and girls, then all will be temporarily right with the world.

Perhaps this is why I'm intrigued and amused by the notion of the Cyberathlete Professional League (CPL). Hearing the title, one would think it were a collection of robots or at least cybergenetically enhanced humans battling it out in some futuristic sport like Rollerball. But no, it's a bunch of twelve-year-old kids who happen to be particularly good at some PC game. I haven't met any of the contestants, but I can only guess these aren't the same guys and girls winning high school letters or Heisman Trophies.

I guess that's the amusing part. As is indicated on the website, the CPL was launched to "...establish computer game competitions as a viable spectator sport." That's funny. That's very, very funny. Can you see Tommy Jackson and Stuart Scott on ESPN covering the big Unreal Tournament championship? Can you see 67,000 fans packed into the new Seahawks stadium to watch a couple guys play Half-Life or Jazz Jackrabbit 2? Move over, baseball, there's a new national pasttime in town!

On the other hand, as ridiculous as it is, the CPL does serve a purpose. It presents an entirely new kind of ball to an entirely different demographic. Not only are there a tremendous number of people out there who can't make a living playing with a ball (like myself) and who also aren't willing to pay to watch others play with it (unlike myself). Now, these people have a ball. They can practice on their own. They can go online and play with others across the globe. They can get really, really good and win a lot of money. I guess the money has to be there, actually, as the "getting laid" incentive is nowhere in site for those who excell only at computer games. Perhaps because they don't get to wear uniforms with the tight pants.

With events such as the "Gateway Country Challenge" and the "CPL Pentium 4 Summer Championship," the whole thing is just a joke to me. Know what, though? Professional baseball is a joke to me as well, but I can appreciate its importance. It gives children something about which to dream. If they have natural athletic skills and hone them well, they might get filthy stinking rich and develop cocaine habits. For those out there without natural athletic skills, or who aren't willing to hone them, the Cyberathlete Professional League now offers them a chance to get...well, perhaps not filthy stinking rich, but at least rich enough to develop their cocaine habit.

More importantly, though, it gives us another ball. It gives us another game to play, and another venue for that game. It unites people and countries in sport, and allows them to play together. So long as that's going on, life on our planet just may be okay.

.