Cool Mac Gear

"When thinking differently just isn't different enough."

The Apple Channel
By Kirk Hiner
March 3, 2002

People need to start doing more drugs.

Actually, that's not true. It's just that I promised Bill Stiteler I'd start my article out with that line.

A more appropriate intro would be this; I don't watch much TV anymore.

I'm not being haughty, so please don't take it that way. I don't think people who spend five hours a night watching television are throwing their lives away. That's five hours of exposure to people, places and events you wouldn't get by teaching your dog how to catch a frisbee. However, dogs that catch frisbees usually impress the ladies, so keep that in mind gentlemen.

I've also grown tired of those who complain that their cable service gives them 150 channels and, "There's never anything on." On the contrary, there are always 150 things on, they just may not interest you. My father-in-law was complaining because the cable service in Ashland, Ohio just picked up a Spanish station. Sure, this is odd, considering the nearly complete lack of Spanish speaking citizens in the service area, but whatever. If it were up to me, there'd also be four or five Japanese TV channels. I don't know what it is about Japanese television, but I can watch it for hours despite not being able to understand a single word. Sometimes, I guess, it's all about presentation...and amphigouri.

No, I don't watch much TV for only two reasons. First, I'm still boycotting TV for the cancellation of The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. Second, there's no Apple Channel.

Absolutely, Apple should have its own TV channel. Not just a show here or there, but it's own 16-hour channel (infomercials for ab machines can fill in the other eight hours). After all, not all of us like to go online to get our Apple news, and why bother with the Apple store when we could just order our Macs through the iVC or iSN. Just think, Apple reps could be online hawking iMacs like those dorks on the other shopping channels peddle PCs.

"Now, I don't know about you, but when I first got my first computer, it took me fifteen minutes to even turn it on. I knew all about surfing the information world wide super web highway, but what good is that if you can't even turn it on, am I right, Bob? So, this computer, it...just look at this...look at this device, which the techies are calling a keyboard. I'm not a techie, it takes me half an hour to turn on the bedroom light, right Bob? Bob, and I, our producer, were just talking about how hard it is to turn on computer and lights these days, what with recessed buttons and color matching, but I feel comfortable calling it a keyboard because this computer is just that easy to use. Some machines, you have to pay extra for the keyboard. Some don't even give you the option to use a keyboard or they make you paint the letters on the keys yourself. The competition makes you paint the letters, and they don't even...correct me if I'm wrong, Bob, but most don't even give you stencils, right? Well, with this PC, you won't need stencils because not only are the letters already painted on the keyboard, but they're also already attached! All you have to do is attach the keyboard to the computer, and even that's color coded, so unless you're color-blind...which some of you may be, I know I am in the morning, in which case...Bob, do we have special instructions for those who are color blind, because if you are, this is the computer for you. It's custom built for the color blind, so you..."

Did I carry that joke out too far? I sometimes do that.

Shopping and news aside, I think the focus of the Apple Channel should be entertainment. After all, Apple has always excelled at their advertising, entertaining while informing. Filling sixteen hours of television seven days a week may seem a daunting task, but that's why I'm offering my services as program director. I may have to cut back on Applelinks reviews to tackle the job, but I can probably write an Applescript to shoot out reviews automatically.

My first suggestion for the Apple Channel would be for one of those fighting robot shows. The people, they love those fighting robots, I guess because we all grew up on Rock'm Sock'm Robots and Spectreman. Well, that and cock fighting's still illegal. Curse you, ASPCA, you have seen neither the last of me nor my mighty rooster, Gene!

So, we let all the bored college students build their fighting robots, only they have to be built out of old Macintoshes. Come on, who wouldn't want to see an LCII take on Performa 6400? And hey, I'd pay good to money to watch an eMate kick the ass of a 10th Anniversary Mac. Actually, I'd just pay good money for an eMate. Actually, I'd just pay good money to kick the ass of a 10th Anniversary Mac. Now that I think about, I'll pay good money for just about anything, apparently.

Are medical shows still popular? I never really got into them too much, not since Veterinarians Hospital on the The Muppet Show, anyway, but I'm thinking the viewing public would love a drama based on an Apple repair center. People could rush in their computers with dead hard drives or systems that went to sleep and can't wake up. And think of the tears that'll be shed when a man realizes his Cube has developed a crack. Very special episode, indeed. I guess Noah Wyle would pretty much have to star, right? And we'll call it...I don't know...Terminal: UNIX Memorial.

I was going to suggest The Real World: Cupertino Apple Campus would make a good show, but I'm sick of that crap. And if the Lord really is a kind and loving God of the New Testament, the rest of the world soon will be, too. if He's the vengeful God of the Old Testament, I think it's time He came back and started giving people limps again. Line up, MTV execs.

There could be a cop drama called Norton, a law drama called Conflict Catcher, and a detective drama called Sherlock. The masses are certain to tune each night for America's Funniest iMovies. We'll make it more worldly, however. We'll also have shows called France's Strangest iMovies, Germany's Most Confusing iMovies, and Hong Kong's Most Wildly Inaccurate English Translations of Cantonese iMovies. Celebrity iMovies is also sure to be a hit, but not to worry; the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee episode will only air after dark.

Every channel needs its flagship program, and I've got just the show...

Wait a minute. I didn't mean to imply at the beginning of this article that Bill Stiteler does drugs, nor that he condones the use of drugs. As far as I know, Bill has never done any drugs. He never shot horse or popped bennies or tripped acid or ate finger-paint or drank vanilla extract or hung out at gas stations or butted his head into refrigerators until he lost consciousness. We, at Applelinks, have a strict anti-drug policy, which requires all of us writers to e-mail urine samples to Joe, our managing director, at least once a month. Remember, winners don't use drugs. Just ask our Olympic athletes.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

All TV stations need a flagship program, and the Apple Channel has a doozy. We'll bring back the greatest variety program ever to grace the airwaves, and, with a slight alteration of cast, we'll call it Pink Lady and Jeff Goldblum. Why not? We'll get two Japanese women who speak no English, maybe even the original Mie and Kei (and hey, the site's made with a Macintosh!) are still available. Only instead of relying on Jeff Altman to carry the show, this time around we'll use seasoned actor and funnyman Jeff Goldblum, who's certainly no stranger to the Apple camp.

The premise of the original Pink Lady and Jeff was to get a couple of talented Japanese pop artists to sing songs in a language they didn't understand, perform skits in a language they didn't understand, talk to guests they didn't know in a language they didn't understand, and then get in a hot tub at the end of it all. Television gold, made even more precious by the comic stylings of Jeff Altman (who I'm quite certain understood the language).

In my version, things will be different. Mie and Kei still need not speak English as they'll mostly just be sitting at Macintoshes playing games and rip-mix-burning their CDs for those in the audience. All the while, Jeff Goldblum will be dancing around in the background, tossing out family-friendly jokes in that affable, stream-of-thought way of his. The guests (all of the originals are welcome back, save for those who are dead and Jerry Lewis) will take the girls on in Unreal Tournament death matches and discuss how the Macintosh was used to develop their fan sites. Mie and Kei will then perform a song and dance number in which old Village People songs are bastardized to be about Pink Lady themselves (this isn't a joke, they really did this), and everyone will end up in a hot tub.

And this is just the beginning! All your favorite Applelinks celebrities will be there. John Farr will get a Macintosh travel show, Charles Moore will get a Mac - Countermac show on Sunday mornings to debate Macintosh theology with anyone who dares to take him on, Paul Shields won't get a show (but he will get to take over 1/3 to 1/2 of the screen with annoying news tickers about Apple's business status), and Bill Stiteler host a children's educational program that uses the Macintosh to explain the illiteracy program amongst kids these days, called Kidz Korner. We'll go outside of Applelinks, too. David Pogue will host a weekly self-help program, and Shawn King will rule late-night with his in-your-face talk show that's sure to be a hit with the college kids. Or at least the ones who aren't drunk all the time. Or maybe only the one who are drunk all the time.

Which brings me back to Bill's message about substance abuse. Kids, just say no. Say no to drugs, but yes to Macintosh related entertainment on the Apple Channel! Although our programming may be addictive, you at least won't be tempted to sell the TV to support it.

Well, I can hear the National Anthem, so it's time to sign off. Until programming resumes at 6:00 a.m. with the Contour Design Ergonomic Exercise Hour, why not pay a visit to our sponsor?

Cool Mac Gear