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In the previous episode, "The Bridge to Nowhere: Part One, " the author has marched into the wilderness to find the mythical Bridge to Nowhere. Blind with fear, he leaps off the bridge and finds it remarkably like upgrading his operating system
The Bridge to Nowhere: Part Two
by Del Miller
October 5, 2000
...I Jump
Physics buffs will note that, in a vacuum, a body will only take about three seconds to fall from this particular bridge. But, said buffs might not entirely savvy just how long three seconds can be when factoring in the peculiar time dilation effects of abject, eye-bugging horror. Three seconds is quite a long time actually, when measured by the anguish that my disjointed consciousness encounters on the way down.
There is, for instance, plenty of time for the denial process, which is the phase where I eventually admit that, yes, I am indeed falling at high velocity, head first into a boulder strewn canyon and, no, there isn't a rewind button. That out of the way, I can now leisurely reflect on various philosophical issues surrounding bungie cord; such as the life-cycle effects of normal wear and tear, the potential for ozone degradation, the possible existence of bungie weevils, the sensitivity to improper maintenance and a veritable encyclopedia of concerns regarding measurement error. A brief endgame consideration of bounce versus crunch versus splatter scenarios smoothly segues into a remote viewing phase involving elaborate visualization of knots unraveling back on the bridge.
The wind is buffeting past my ears and I'm astonished at just how fast I'm falling, for some reason I never fully imagined the sheer velocity involved in falling off a bridge. My eyelids are flapping like wounded quail, yielding the visual effect of a video camera knocked off its tripod -- just a whirling image of light and dark with not a whit of meaningful data on just how close to the ground I am at any given millisecond. This does absolutely nothing to lower the nearly manic level of distress and, in fact, merely hones my awareness of a rocky, medium sized planet hurtling towards me at roughly ninety miles per hour.
Bungie rope is remarkably stretchy stuff that elongates forever, making the moment where it actually begins to slow my descent nearly undetectable. So I'm becoming pretty certain that the rope has parted and is now fluttering pathetically behind me like the tail of some doomed kite. But suddenly I feel a catch, the resistance builds like a freight train, and one-hundred and ninety pounds of bone and protoplasm attempt a remarkably abrupt, high pressure exit through my eye sockets. It appears that I've arrived.
---
First off, I'll need a new computer. The old 9500 has served me well for the last few years, so well in fact that I've never been able to justify a glitzy G3 or G4 just for the sake of having the latest Macintosh. But Apple has made it abundantly clear that OS X will not be supported on such archaic iron as mine and, despite web reports that the new system can be futzed onto older hardware, I'm not the guy for that sort of derring-do. Not only do I lack both the courage and skill to attempt such a feat, but at best, the result would dash me into the rocks of unacceptable performance.
Assuming that I've made the decision to buy a new Macintosh I now need to figure out which one. A nice, inexpensive iMac would be handy, but I've grown so accustomed to my twenty-one inch monitor that using a fifteen inch screen would be like diving through a keyhole.
How about a nifty new Cube?
But wait, how do I transfer my data. In the past I've always just plugged my old hard drive onto the SCSI chain and copied the files over, but a Cube holds only one internal hard drive and has no SCSI bus at all. I could maybe find a SCSI to Firewire PCI card for the 9500, but the idea of spending even more money for my old system galls me. Perhaps there is a tape backup unit that works with both SCSI and Firewire or maybe I'd be better off with a G4 Tower. But, come to think of it, I'm not sure that the G4 can even accept my current hard drive. I just don't know.
What about my peripherals? Maybe I could get a USB to SCSI adapter for my scanner and Zip drive and some sort of USB to serial converter for my LaserWriter. But what sort of problems would I be setting myself up for then? What about driver compatibility and performance issues. I suppose I'd be better off just buying everything new. Gosh, there's so much to learn and learning is so costly.
Wait, what about my applications? Classic mode might work, but why even bother upgrading to the new OS if I still run my applications on the old one? No, I'll have to upgrade or replace half a dozen applications that I use constantly and there are at least a dozen more that I use often enough that I'll really want to upgrade to their Cocoa updates, or their Carbonized versions at least.
Let's see now, if I add up all the dollars to acquire the hardware and applications to make the transition to MacOS X, that will come to...gulp...we're talking thousands of dollars here! Ohmigod, this is a lot of money to spend for an upgrade that replaces an operating system that I already love.
Rubber Band Man
I can tell I've stopped falling because I'm face to face with a bubbling mountain stream. The transition from screaming descent to pastoral calm is so abrupt it's as if the last three seconds never even happened. It is so quiet and peaceful here, water striders skate upon the still waters behind the mica-flecked boulders and little standing waves ripple in front of me. Wildflowers nod in the breeze. I can hear the buzzing of insects around me and the tall grasses rubbing against each other. Sunlight warms me. I'm dimly aware that I'm dangling spiderlike from an immense thread, but memory of the bridge and the flight down have fled, and I'm now in another galaxy, an alltogether peaceful place. Panic is forgotten, replaced by soothing calm. The world turns slowly on its axis. I'm safe. I'm happy.
But this break in all the excitement has inclined me to forget that a bungie rope is basically a giant rubber band, and slingshot aficionados will instantly recognize the role I'm about to play. With truly impressive authority and an element of surprise that is literally breathtaking, I'm plucked from my reverie and hurled skyward. I make a belated and completely futile grab at the ground, but I am now a surface-to-air human, closing rapidly on the underside of the bridge.
Interestingly, this is even worse than the trip down -- at least falling down is natural, falling up requires a whole set of coping mechanisms that I have just spilled out across the bottom of the canyon along with the rest of my wits. The structure above grows at an alarming rate and to my untrained eye it seems that the odds of a high velocity kiss with the bottom of the bridge deck are an even bet. I consider flailing about and screaming out loud, but immediately realize that I wouldn't feel even a teeny bit better for the effort. The rope goes slack.
Now, getting back to that little slingshot analogy: Just because the rubber band has quit moving, does not in any way mean that the pebble suddenly stops. As a matter of fact, the pebble just keeps on going and that is exactly what I do, heading straight toward the bridge with the rope coiling lazily in the air around me. It is hard to imagine that this rope, which only a fraction of a second ago was propelling me upward with such demonic force, could ever be thought of as a source of emotional security, but the instant it goes slack I find that I'm lofting, untethered through the air, rather wishing for the comforting tug of a rope. Again, I deal badly with this latest sensation until such time as I actually miss the bridge and begin to fall, starting the whole process all over again.
This bomb drop/missile launch/free fall cycle repeats four hundred and thirty seven times before I finally come to a slow, twisting pendulum beneath the bridge.
---
Calm down, I say to myself, I'm a smart guy with years of Macintosh experience and I can do this. I can abuse my credit card and buy the stuff. I can make this all work.
But I know that even then, there will be problems. No sooner than I exult after getting my new OS up and running than I'll find that my internet setup will have complications. I'll work through my connection problems only to find that there are no printer drivers for my printer. When I finally get that resolved I'll find that I can't read some obscure file that has lounged around on my hard drive for years waiting for me to have an incompatible OS to make itself extremely interesting to the IRS.
Each new question will mean a frustrating cycle of trial and error and I'm certain that I'll be bouncing from vexing problem to expensive solution for ages. In the end it will all work out and things will settle down to some equilibrium, but I'm not looking forward to the ordeal. Why do I even consider jumping from my tried and true solution into a valley of unknown troubles?
Because it's the future, that's why. Over time, parts and software for the old regime will become scarcer and scarcer. The rest of the Macintosh world will be making the transition and if I chose not to I would find myself increasingly isolated from the march of progress. Besides, I still have faith that Apple's investment in the new system will ultimately offer the finest computing experience in the world and the ups and downs of the transition will ultimately be worth it.
Nowhere Man
The crew on the bridge haul me up and, as I climb over the rail, I realize that I am a brand new sort of creature. I'm no longer the frightened weasel quivering atop the precipice, I am a valiant soul with a story to tell. I stride proudly down the mountain in the broad swagger of a man with cajones the size of cantelopes.
I'm glad I did it, the world is somehow different after you've jumped off a bridge. The Bridge to Nowhere actually leads to a pretty wonderful place.
---
I'll do it! I'll buy the new hardware, acquire the upgraded software, fight the connectivity issues and ever so slowly tweak the new system to my liking. When I do, I'll be a better man for it and I'll have a computer system of such elegance and power that I'll never understand how I could be satisfied with what I have today.
MacOS X will be a bridge to somewhere special, I'm sure of it.
Copyright 2000, Del Miller. All rights reserved.
Del also writes the "Difference Engine" column at www.macopinion.com
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